It's Monday, August 6, 2001.
I think I finally snapped. Again. I think I finally realized that it's ok to get mad. That being upset doesn't mean you aren't thankful for the good things, so it's ok to be mad. And so I am mad. Very very mad. And it really feels good. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in "Anger Management":
"There are two kinds of angry people. There are those who are externally angry, the man who screams at the cashier because they can't take his coupons. Then there are those who are internally angry, the cashier, who sits there and takes it day after day with a smile on her face until one day she brings an AK-47 to work."
Yesterday I did some stream of consciousness writing, because I haven't known how I felt in a long time. I thought maybe it would help. It did. I realized I am a really angry person. And I suppress all my negative feelings immediately, so the only time I don't smile is when I'm really sad and I can't figure out why. This is why. I take this all the time and I'm like a doormat for whoever wants to use me, and now I realize that I'm really not happy. I haven't been happy in four years. So I wrote this stuff and it was pages of suppressed rage just coming out of me and I don't even know where it all came from, and it kind of opened up a floodgate and I'm starting to feel a lot better, and I'm sure I'm going to be a bitch to be around for the next few days, but bear with me, because I'm cleaning out my closet.
I think I finally snapped. Again. I think I finally realized that it's ok to get mad. That being upset doesn't mean you aren't thankful for the good things, so it's ok to be mad. And so I am mad. Very very mad. And it really feels good. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in "Anger Management":
"There are two kinds of angry people. There are those who are externally angry, the man who screams at the cashier because they can't take his coupons. Then there are those who are internally angry, the cashier, who sits there and takes it day after day with a smile on her face until one day she brings an AK-47 to work."
Yesterday I did some stream of consciousness writing, because I haven't known how I felt in a long time. I thought maybe it would help. It did. I realized I am a really angry person. And I suppress all my negative feelings immediately, so the only time I don't smile is when I'm really sad and I can't figure out why. This is why. I take this all the time and I'm like a doormat for whoever wants to use me, and now I realize that I'm really not happy. I haven't been happy in four years. So I wrote this stuff and it was pages of suppressed rage just coming out of me and I don't even know where it all came from, and it kind of opened up a floodgate and I'm starting to feel a lot better, and I'm sure I'm going to be a bitch to be around for the next few days, but bear with me, because I'm cleaning out my closet.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home