ok... so... i don't feel too good right now.

it's ok. it's not the usual crap, this time it's different. i can't get premiere to work right, and i need to cast this movie, and i don't feel any pressure anymore. i feel like this is all falling apart on me. ugh.

i had a date last night. it went pretty good i think. i think.

i wish i knew what you were trying to tell me. i get that i gotta do this all on my own. i can't keep coming to you everytime i want something, i get that. i don't want to think that sometimes there's just nothing you can do. i need you though. not to do things for me, but to let me know that this is going to be okay. there is always something in my way, and i can knock that down, but sometimes it doesn't feel like the thing to do. i guess that's when i later find out it wasn't to be done in the first place. so i get that. but i've found what i love. and i think that its something i need to go after. and i don't think that i need you to help me, i just wish there was a way that i could hear you say that i was going the right way. patience? is that it? i guess it could be. anything doing is worth waiting for. and there's always that thought that when you finish the race, you look back on it and think that it was really nothing, and that you'd do it again if you had to. you forget nights like tonight. you forget how lost you felt. i feel pretty lost right now. so this is the first time i've posted hoping you read this. it seems we don't talk enough anymore, and i'm sure that's my fault. i'm always listening though, and i hear you most of this time. at least i think i do. you speak quietly. but i've heard you. i know that was you telling me that some things are better left unsaid. maybe you're sitting this out intentionally. if my dad was rich he'd still make us earn our lives, instead of giving us everything, though it would be well within his means, because when you earn it, it tastes better. maybe that's what you're doing now. maybe you want me to follow my heart and let me find my own path so when i get there, i'll know it was because of me. so i can look back and smile and say i did it all on my own. i just hope you're watching, i'd hate to fall without someone there to catch me.

thanks

jgp