I have a friend who is getting married. She's also graduating in the next few days. While that may be scary for her, I think it's gotta be at least a little comforting. I wish I had a start on my life. It would be nice. But I guess at the same time, things are pretty simple now. And when I do get to that point where school is over and I am getting my "real" life, I'll probably wish I was back in this crummy apartment staring out my window at a beautiful May sunset, cranking up my MP3 player and upsetting all my neighbors.
I think I'm in too much of a hurry to grow up. I mean if your whole life you're looking forward to tomorrow, it makes it hard to enjoy today. All I'm really looking forward to right now is being 21. I'm a college kid, and all my friends are older than me. They're all 21 and can go to bars and clubs and stuff. I always have to stay home on friday and saturday nights playing Nintendo because I'm too young to do anything really fun. It's always been like that. I've always been the youngest. (Well, Lesley is now. So we're both too little.) I've never dated anyone younger than me. In fact the youngest (relatively) I've ever dated was about 8 months older than me.
This whole project is called "Joe's Diary of Love (or lack thereof)" for a reason. I'm single right now. Have been for about a year and a quarter. And right now I think I'm okay with it. It's weird, because I've really never felt "okay" with being single. I mean ever since 7th grade I've been crazy about somebody. Now I'm not. I think it's because ever since 7th grade I've had my heart broken left and right, and I guess I'm just not in a huge rush to do it again. But hey, that's life. I used to think it only happened to me. But I've dished it out and I've recieved it. It happens to everyone. It's never fair. Sometimes people marry their first love, sometimes people die alone, and most of us end up somewhere in between.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I doubt it. I can tell you that I've never experienced a better feeling than love. Nor have I experienced a worse feeling. Love is heroin for poets. When you're on it, you feel the best you've ever felt. Everything is beautiful. You see other people in love and it just makes you happier. But then it's gone. And you're coming down. The buzz is dying quickly. And you realize that this thing you never had before, you now cannot live without. You're addicted. You see other people in love and you want to run over and strangle them. You lose the will to leave the house, to even get out of bed. It's all you can think of, is getting this love (heroin) back. You beg, you degrade yourself, just for a shot. You kid yourself into thinking that she still wants you. You lie to yourself when she smiles at you, telling yourself she still loves you, just so you feel balanced again. It makes you do things you never thought yourself capable of, just to get it back. Funny that the word "rebound" is associated with both love and drug addiction, and in both cases mean just about the same thing. You don't care where she came from, as long as she makes you feel loved. And one of two things happen. 1.) The craving drives you to suicide 2.) You beat it and move on. That third thing that you just thought could also happen, never does. She never takes you back. Not after you're this far gone. Not after you've begged and pleaded, because then it's awkward. I can't say I blame her. Not now anyway.
Thats the only real difference. Heroin will always take you back. Until of course it kills you.
Me, I'm clean. Out of re-hab, and living a good life again. It was rough going for a while, but it always is. I've been alright for quite some time now, about five months. I'm just not looking to let myself fall off the wagon anytime soon. So I'm playing it safe, concentrating on work right now. The friends I have, stuff like that.
Plus I'm at Western Michigan University in May, and all the girls have gone home.
And I think in my case, the heroin reference was a bit overdramatic. I never really had a problem.
Stage one: Denial.
I think I'm in too much of a hurry to grow up. I mean if your whole life you're looking forward to tomorrow, it makes it hard to enjoy today. All I'm really looking forward to right now is being 21. I'm a college kid, and all my friends are older than me. They're all 21 and can go to bars and clubs and stuff. I always have to stay home on friday and saturday nights playing Nintendo because I'm too young to do anything really fun. It's always been like that. I've always been the youngest. (Well, Lesley is now. So we're both too little.) I've never dated anyone younger than me. In fact the youngest (relatively) I've ever dated was about 8 months older than me.
This whole project is called "Joe's Diary of Love (or lack thereof)" for a reason. I'm single right now. Have been for about a year and a quarter. And right now I think I'm okay with it. It's weird, because I've really never felt "okay" with being single. I mean ever since 7th grade I've been crazy about somebody. Now I'm not. I think it's because ever since 7th grade I've had my heart broken left and right, and I guess I'm just not in a huge rush to do it again. But hey, that's life. I used to think it only happened to me. But I've dished it out and I've recieved it. It happens to everyone. It's never fair. Sometimes people marry their first love, sometimes people die alone, and most of us end up somewhere in between.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I doubt it. I can tell you that I've never experienced a better feeling than love. Nor have I experienced a worse feeling. Love is heroin for poets. When you're on it, you feel the best you've ever felt. Everything is beautiful. You see other people in love and it just makes you happier. But then it's gone. And you're coming down. The buzz is dying quickly. And you realize that this thing you never had before, you now cannot live without. You're addicted. You see other people in love and you want to run over and strangle them. You lose the will to leave the house, to even get out of bed. It's all you can think of, is getting this love (heroin) back. You beg, you degrade yourself, just for a shot. You kid yourself into thinking that she still wants you. You lie to yourself when she smiles at you, telling yourself she still loves you, just so you feel balanced again. It makes you do things you never thought yourself capable of, just to get it back. Funny that the word "rebound" is associated with both love and drug addiction, and in both cases mean just about the same thing. You don't care where she came from, as long as she makes you feel loved. And one of two things happen. 1.) The craving drives you to suicide 2.) You beat it and move on. That third thing that you just thought could also happen, never does. She never takes you back. Not after you're this far gone. Not after you've begged and pleaded, because then it's awkward. I can't say I blame her. Not now anyway.
Thats the only real difference. Heroin will always take you back. Until of course it kills you.
Me, I'm clean. Out of re-hab, and living a good life again. It was rough going for a while, but it always is. I've been alright for quite some time now, about five months. I'm just not looking to let myself fall off the wagon anytime soon. So I'm playing it safe, concentrating on work right now. The friends I have, stuff like that.
Plus I'm at Western Michigan University in May, and all the girls have gone home.
And I think in my case, the heroin reference was a bit overdramatic. I never really had a problem.
Stage one: Denial.
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