Monday ended sucessfully. Now it is tuesday. I am in a completely different mood.
I am calm.
I am quiet.
I am slow.
I am open.
It's hard to describe how I am feeling at this moment. I just put on my shoes and walked around my apartment complex. I went left towards the offices and realized I grabbed the wrong shoes. These hurt my feet. My complex is shaped like a figure eight, I live on the left of the bottom loop. .8 About where that dot is. I got to about here (8.) when I realized how badly my feet were starting to hurt. Not very far. I got to the intersection and thought to myself, I could take go left and only lap the smaller circle or right and take the big loop around like I had intended. I stood at that intersection for at least a half an hour. No joke. Because suddenly I started thinking about my life. I started thinking about how many times I've sold myself short because my feet hurt, and decided to take the short cut home. I started thinking about love, how it hurts sometimes, but how if you want it to work out, you have to play through the pain and take the long road to get where you've always wanted to end up. I looked around me and wondered how I had gotten to where I was. Not the intersection, but to this moment in time. How chances in my life have brought me to where I was. I looked at my shadow, cast in front of me by the streetlight at the intersection, and realized how tall I've gotten. I remember when I was so excited to break 5 feet. I remembered a picture of me and a stuffed lamb I got when I was like four, and how happy I looked in that picture. How small I was in that picture. That picture was taken almost eighteen years ago. I wondered if back then I ever thought I'd be standing at a street corner at 1am in January in Kalamazoo Michigan, reflecting on how I had gotten there. I wondered if when I was forty I'd wonder the same thing. I wondered where I was going, where I would end up. I wondered if I knew now the people who would be in my life in twenty years. I wondered if I knew my future wife yet. If I'd have a future wife. If I hadn't met her, I wondered who she is. What she was doing at this very moment. I looked up at the moon and wondered what people I knew from my past were doing right now. People I hadn't spoken to in years, people I talked to earlier today. If they could see the moon too. I wondered how drastically my life would change in ten years. How my paradigm of life would be different. If it would be different. I wondered if anyone else ever had a moment of clarity as I was having at that intersection.
I believe all good things are worth pain. Pain makes you appreciate achieveing whatever it is that makes you shed that pain even more. I thought about my friends who get married to their first love and have never experienced heartbreak. Do they appreciate what they have as much as I would? Does walking this longer road with sore feet make coming home to a warm apartment, kicking off your shoes and relaxing that much more rewarding? Is it better because as I walked out of my apartment I had planned on doing the full lap?
I stood there for a half an hour. I felt as if I were on TV or in front of a crowd who were all waiting for me to make my decision. I felt as if someone, somewhere was watching me, as a proud parent would watch their son, hidden in the darkness, waiting to see if he'd do the right thing. It's times like these that make me believe in something, God, fate, karma, something. A higher awareness. At any rate, tonight I had a long lasting moment of clarity, and I feel a calmness that I haven't felt in longer than I can remember.
Tuesday started off at 1am with me taking the long way around Jefferson Commons with aching feet. It's been a good day so far. I hope it keeps up.
I am calm.
I am quiet.
I am slow.
I am open.
It's hard to describe how I am feeling at this moment. I just put on my shoes and walked around my apartment complex. I went left towards the offices and realized I grabbed the wrong shoes. These hurt my feet. My complex is shaped like a figure eight, I live on the left of the bottom loop. .8 About where that dot is. I got to about here (8.) when I realized how badly my feet were starting to hurt. Not very far. I got to the intersection and thought to myself, I could take go left and only lap the smaller circle or right and take the big loop around like I had intended. I stood at that intersection for at least a half an hour. No joke. Because suddenly I started thinking about my life. I started thinking about how many times I've sold myself short because my feet hurt, and decided to take the short cut home. I started thinking about love, how it hurts sometimes, but how if you want it to work out, you have to play through the pain and take the long road to get where you've always wanted to end up. I looked around me and wondered how I had gotten to where I was. Not the intersection, but to this moment in time. How chances in my life have brought me to where I was. I looked at my shadow, cast in front of me by the streetlight at the intersection, and realized how tall I've gotten. I remember when I was so excited to break 5 feet. I remembered a picture of me and a stuffed lamb I got when I was like four, and how happy I looked in that picture. How small I was in that picture. That picture was taken almost eighteen years ago. I wondered if back then I ever thought I'd be standing at a street corner at 1am in January in Kalamazoo Michigan, reflecting on how I had gotten there. I wondered if when I was forty I'd wonder the same thing. I wondered where I was going, where I would end up. I wondered if I knew now the people who would be in my life in twenty years. I wondered if I knew my future wife yet. If I'd have a future wife. If I hadn't met her, I wondered who she is. What she was doing at this very moment. I looked up at the moon and wondered what people I knew from my past were doing right now. People I hadn't spoken to in years, people I talked to earlier today. If they could see the moon too. I wondered how drastically my life would change in ten years. How my paradigm of life would be different. If it would be different. I wondered if anyone else ever had a moment of clarity as I was having at that intersection.
I believe all good things are worth pain. Pain makes you appreciate achieveing whatever it is that makes you shed that pain even more. I thought about my friends who get married to their first love and have never experienced heartbreak. Do they appreciate what they have as much as I would? Does walking this longer road with sore feet make coming home to a warm apartment, kicking off your shoes and relaxing that much more rewarding? Is it better because as I walked out of my apartment I had planned on doing the full lap?
I stood there for a half an hour. I felt as if I were on TV or in front of a crowd who were all waiting for me to make my decision. I felt as if someone, somewhere was watching me, as a proud parent would watch their son, hidden in the darkness, waiting to see if he'd do the right thing. It's times like these that make me believe in something, God, fate, karma, something. A higher awareness. At any rate, tonight I had a long lasting moment of clarity, and I feel a calmness that I haven't felt in longer than I can remember.
Tuesday started off at 1am with me taking the long way around Jefferson Commons with aching feet. It's been a good day so far. I hope it keeps up.
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