If You Build It, They Will Come.

Saturday, February 09, 2002

How can someone feel so terrible in the morning, and by the end of the day, feel so good? Nothing special happened today. I was pretty unhappy this morning, but for me that happens sometimes. Sometimes I just get in these little ruts. Sometimes they last months, sometimes weeks, sometimes days. This one has been on and off since late december. I'm sure it's not over, I don't think so anyway. I took about four hours today and just walked around campus, by the end of it I felt really good.

I guess everyone has their days where they are basically unapproachable. Today started off like that. I think I've just been frustrated lately, with a lot of things. Things I shouldn't be frustrated with, things that I'm allowed to be frustrated with. But, being in a rut isn't fun. But you're in a different state of mind when you're there. At least I am. I could think of ways to be cheery, reasons to feel better, but I don't want to. I'm not exactly sure why. I think because when I'm down, I feel as if those things have failed me or aren't true, and I've been a fool to believe them for so long. I feel like I don't want to be stupid and make myself believe them again. I almost feel like when I'm down I'm seeing things clearly.

I realized today I've been in a rut for nearly ten straight years. A rut that I don't think anyone believed I was in, even me. If anyone caught that post that was up here a few days ago that I took off twelve hours later, I'll restate some of those things here, without all the F words.

Sometimes I feel let down. Sometimes I feel like no one cares. At least like no one cares as much as I do for them. Maybe that's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time. For the record I have not lived the pristine life. I'm not always happy. Some of you know this. Some of you don't. Some of you think you have to drop a bowling ball on my foot for me to feel the first ounce of pain I've felt in my life. Some of you think because my parents are well off, that I've never not gotten everything I've ever wanted. Some of you think that the things I've gone through are not that bad, but some of you don't realize how things stick to me. Some of you don't realize how my paradigm of life has been shaped throughout my upbringing by these same experiences. Some of you don't believe me when I say that I've felt depressed in my life. Some of you would only say "maybe." Some of you don't think I've grown up enough to feel the way I feel. I'd say I'm more grown up than a lot of you. Some of you don't take me seriously. Some of you won't listen to me until I'm not a little kid anymore. To some of you, I always will be. A little kid, with little kid ideas, little kid feelings that are not to be taken seriously, because they're not nearly as serious as you feel.

I'm a man, I'm not a child.

Here's the issue I'm having trouble dealing with right now. I cannot trust my own instincts. This causes an almost neurotic internal conflict. Experience is a teacher. It has taught me nothing. Maybe I'm not listening. Maybe I'm not getting it. I used to be good at people. Then suddenly someone came along who I fell for hardcore. I told her I loved her, she didn't. This lasted for a LONG time, and I tried to make something happen, I tried to show her how sweet I could be, it didn't work, I felt terrible, like I wasn't worth it. It was almost like it was simple for her to break my heart. I wondered how it could be so easy to cast me off, and know you were doing it, after all I had done. Then someone else came along, told me she loved me, made me believe it, then backed out of it. Broke my heart over the phone. Cast me off again. Seemingly quite easily. "Joe I want you to get over it." "Seriously?" "Yes. Now why don't you go watch your movie now..." Conversation over. Once again, easily thrown away. Along came another. She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her. We were happy. Then she started acting funny. And this is where my instincts got all messed up. She'd lie to me. I never caught it. I think she wanted to break up, but took the lazy way out of it by trying to just ignore the relationship until it went away. I'd come over, she'd be mad. She'd tell me it was because she was having a bad day. She'd never call me when I asked her to, she'd wait for me to call her, then when I'd be like, "Why didn't you call me?" She'd be like, "I was going to, why don't you believe me?" I'd ask her to go out and do something, and she'd say she wasn't feeling up for it, she'd rather just stay in all night alone. In hindsight, I feel like I should've seen our inevitable break up coming from these signs that she just wanted nothing to do with me. Any idiot could see this right? We broke up because she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. In hindsight I shouldn't have been so shocked. But that whole relationship trashed my instincts. Because my initial reaction was to trust her. I believed she had a bad day, or that she was about to call me, or she wasn't feeling up for it. Or maybe I just wanted to. But now when other people don't call, or don't feel like hanging out with me, I go through this paradox of thought in my head. My first reaction is to believe them, but then I think, "What if they're just trying to avoid me, like she did?" Am I being niave and ignoring the signs? Or am I being paranoid and she really is sick? Am I stupid again to just believe that she's telling me the truth, or am I stupid to believe she isn't? And then I usually go berserk with this inner conflict to the point where I just get angry with everything around me. I am trying. I am trying to trust people again, but man, she screwed me up. And yes, I am blaming her. Had she stood up and actually said anything to me about how she felt, I wouldn't have to guess if this was a sign or that was a sign that you want me or you don't. I put my heart out for her and she broke it because I was stupid enough to trust her with it. Now when I get that feeling, I hesitate, because I'm afraid of it happening again. I'm afraid to trust someone that much again. But God I want to. And I'm trying. I'm trying to realize that not everyone is like her. There are people out there who will tell me when they are upset, or when they don't want to hang out because they just don't want to. There are people out there who I can trust. People I can believe. But it's an uphill climb for me. It's hard to put yourself back out there once someone has stung you so deeply. There are some out there that I'm putting faith into now. And while the angel on my shoulder is telling me that I'm doing the right thing, the devil is calling me a dumbass for inviting the pain in again. After ten years, ten years now since the first one, ten years of learning this lesson over and over again, ten years of feeling like I'm as easy to throw out as an old newspaper, I'm stepping out and asking for it again. I'm closing my eyes and falling backwards again hoping someone will catch me, in full knowledge that I've been dropped three or four times now. And if I ask anyone if I'm doing the right thing, they say, "Oh sure Joe! You're making the right move to go out there again." But to me that just seems like the right thing for them to say. I mean it isn't them who gets hurt, right? What stock does anyone else have in this? I know people care, people want me to be happy. It'd make them feel a slight bit better about their day. But I'm the one who is in this lock, stock, and barrel. So it's up to me. I'd like to put myself out there again. I'd like to stop being attracted to people that I can't be with. That would be nice. At least this latest time it happened quickly. I mean I know she likes me, but not as much as she likes this other guy. That seems to be the theme with romance in my life. I'd like to say that you never know, and something may come of this latest girl, but I don't want to kid myself or give myself any false hope. If anything, I've learned that it'll only make it worse. Even if there were a glimmer of hope, I would put it out of my mind, just like counting on a snowday. I'm only setting myself up to be knocked down again. As always I'll hope I'm wrong, but that's where it will end this time. At "Golly gee, it'd sure be swell if..." not "oh please let this happen." It's hard though, it's hard to stay out of the latter sometimes. Maybe that's my problem. I never want to come off like I'm counting on something outside of myself to make me happy, because I don't think that I need it. I just take my past experiences of being tossed away like a Kleenex as a reflection on myself. This is where I think my paradigm of life has been skewed. People tell me it's not my fault, that they were dumb to pass me up. That they handled it all wrong. But again, it seems like the right thing for them to say. They aren't there. They've never dated me. Maybe I am someone who becomes worthless to people and therefore am easy to cast away. Ten years now of feeling that way. That's almost half my life. This is how I percieve relationships to be. And I wish I didn't. I wish I could believe the movies, and I wish I could believe other people who tell me how in love they are. I wish I could believe them when they tell me that it'll happen for me someday. I wish I could believe them when they say all relationships don't go like they've gone for me. I wish I could believe them when they say that someday I'll mean the world to someone, and them to me, and I'll finally feel like I'm good enough for someone who is so important to me. Good enough that they don't need anyone else. I wish I could believe that. I just don't.

This is why it's so hard for me to go back out onto the playing field. My past experiences in love have not been positive, and leaves me with this feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to ignore that and be confident and secure. Sometimes I feel like the only way to gain that confidence back is through someone else. That sounds needy and stuff, but I can't figure out how else to be confident that you can mean enough to a person you deeply care about for them to call dibs on you apart from actually doing it. And maybe my eagerness to fall in love stems from that. I don't think so though. I've had people say they love me before. People who I didn't love. That never makes me feel any better. In fact I feel worse about it. Then again, that means they wouldn't count. I just want that relationship that both people really really want. I want us both to feel happy we are together. I want us to both wake up and think how lucky we are to have found each other. Instead, for ten years, I've been the one they love like a brother that they can tell everything to, but it would be just weird to kiss. (That wasn't a stab at you, I know that's not really how you meant it. I really did take that as a compliment, after a little thought. Thank you.) The one girl that actually did publicly state that she had even kissed me, let alone dated me, never had the guts to tell me it was over. And maybe the reason I tried so hard and went through so much crap with her is because she was the first and only girl I felt so strongly about that actually called me her boyfriend. That felt so good after waiting for it for so long, that I went through an extra year and a half of being drug around through the mud just to try to get that back. And I'll admit that was me being niave. But again, you weren't there. You don't know how many times in that year and a half that we "got back together" and "broke up" again and again. You don't know how it felt for me, how it felt like maybe she really did want to be with me. How it felt like there was maybe some reason behind it all. You don't know how easy that is to believe when it's what you really want to believe. But now that's over. So are the other two, and for all intents and purposes, so is the newest one. There have been four girls now that I've really sat back and said, "Damn, I would really like to be with this girl." I mean yeah, there's the cuties who pass you in the restaurant that you say, "Damn, I would really like to be with that girl." but that's not what I mean. I mean be with this girl as in talk to her, listen to her, wake up with her, be there for her, kiss her gently without making out, open up to her, have her open up to you, someone you can be completely comfortable around, someone who can be comfortable around you. Someone who can be your home base. Soemone who you can tell anything to because you trust them with anything. Someone whos smile can make you feel happy. Someone who you want to make laugh or make happy without an alterior motive, just to make them laugh or happy because you want to. Someone who can know how you feel just by the way you look at them. Someone who knows just what to say. Someone you want to get to know because you are interested in everything that makes them who they are. Four. And I know, some people have never felt that way about anybody, and they say, "Jeez Joe, you're sure lucky to feel like that four times." But it's so very different when you want to do all that stuff, but can't because they don't like you enough. Then it hurts. It drags you down, weighs on you like an elephant on your back. You feel like, "Why am I not good enough?" I dated Laura officially for 14 months, 8 of which I was entirely happy with all of it, and 6 months of the relationship and a year and a half afterwards of wondering why I wasn't good enough. Right before Laura was Erin and right before that there was Krissy. It's been ten years since I met Krissy. Ten years of feeling wondering why I'm not good enough. You can tell me that it wasn't meant to be. You can tell me that it's better this way. You can tell me that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was their fault for handling it wrong. You can tell me whatever you want to tell me to try and make me feel better about it. Ten years of learning this is only going to be reversed by me. My paradigm of love is only going to be erased by me. And I'm trying. I'm trying to believe it won't always be like that. I'm trying to put myself out on what the devil on my shoulder is calling a hopeless cause. Experience is just hard to ignore. But I'm trying.

Maybe I should just say my prayers. I'll just light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again.

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