If You Build It, They Will Come.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Tonight I am alone. As opposed to the other hundreds of nights that I am alone, tonight it hurts. Tonight is one of those nights. Actually it's been one of those days. Those days where I can't shake this feeling. Why tonight, who knows. Tonight is one of those nights where I would love to have someone to lay with, someone to smile at, someone to hold or to hold me. And tonight is one of those nights where I reflect back on all those people who could do this and make me feel so much better than I do right now. And tonight I realize they are all somewhere else, with somebody else. Tonight I feel unaffective, unnoticed, tonight I feel small, unimportant. I've been feeling the way I do tonight off and on over the last few weeks. I hate this. I hate waking up feeling like this, knowing it will stick with me all day. I feel exhausted, frustrated. I feel stored, shelved out of the way. I've lived my life behind the emergency glass. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel important. I want someone to be giddy because they get to see me again. Someone asked me how I know I don't make people feel like this. How do I know it isn't happening. I couldn't give her a straight answer. Now I can. You know. You know when you mean something to someone. You know when you are important to someone. You can tell by the way they talk to you, the way they talk about you. If they talk about you. I've never made anyone feel that happy, because I've never been that important to anyone. Tonight I feel looked over. Tonight I feel worthless. Tonight I feel quiet. Tonight I am alone. Tonight it hurts.

But hey, I still lace up my skates. I still play when it truly matters. I still keep my chin up and try to ignore the thought. And even though I got traded to Columbus who has no freaking chance of making the playoffs this year, I guess I can always hope for next year. Or another trade. Tonight, it doesn't seem likely. It's getting harder and harder to get back on the ice. Or to even rationalize playing.


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