I've hit that breaking point. Finally. I need a new definition, and I think tonight I've found it. I'm no longer satisfied. I can spew out advice until I'm blue in the face, and I never take any of it for myself. Well tonight that's going to change. I'm 22. All this kid stuff is done for me. I'm focusing now. I'm dedicated. I'm grown up, and I'm going to start acting like it. I'm tired of loafing around, I'm tired of being stagnant. I'm frustrated and sick of waiting around, hoping. If anything in my life is going to happen, I need to make it happen. And so now, I'm going to make it happen. Instead of wishing for the last step, I'm going to take the first one. The best part is that I've got nothing but time.
I'm probably going to piss a few people off along the way. I'm sorry. But it can't be helped. I've got a goal, and if you get in my way, I'm going to run you down. If you kindly object, I'm going to kindly ignore you.
I'm better than this. Much better than this. I'm wasting away here, and now I'm done. No one makes it without risk. Only those bold enough to chase their dreams ever catch them. Anyone who has ever made it, at one time or another, put all of their eggs in one basket. They've bet it all on black, and they got lucky. Well now I'm ready. Now I'm ready to put everything on the line. And if I don't win, at least I won't look back in fifty years and say it was because I never took the chance.
So now, it's on. I'm tired of telling other people what to do. I'm tired of trying to help other people figure out their lives and not looking at my own.
Most of the people who read this have no idea about me. A couple do. Most of the people who have seen me recently, hell, anyone who has met me after I was six, have no idea of what I'm capable of. I've been quiet. I've been watching. I hope my family hasn't lost faith in me, I wouldn't blame them if they have. It doesn't really matter anymore. I'll show them again. I've been brooding, I've been dancing, I've been doing the motions. I've been bored. I've been doing what I've been told. I've fit in, I've conformed. I've bent, I've twisted. I've played by the rules, because I had to. Done my homework.... sometimes. Studied... sometimes. Never chewed gum in class. Worked for teachers approval to get a letter on a piece of paper. I've studied the "bi-labial stop," I've studied Romeo and Juliet until it was coming out of my ears. I wrote an eight page paper in 12th grade with each individual thought written on a separate notecard. Never because I wanted to, never because I thought it was of any redeeming value whatsoever. Because I had to.
But I'm 22 now. I'm not in school, I'm separate from my parents, I am completely independant. Now there are no more rules. I'm free. And what have I done with this freedom? I've been squandering it. I've been content with standing on a path leading to a meaningless life of serving coffee, or working the A-Mod. All that is over now. It's a power trip, it really is, to realize you answer to no one anymore. No one but yourself. I can do anything. Anything. And I'll never settle again. I know what I'm capable of, and few others do, because they've never seen me want anything. They've never seen me attack something with everything I have. But it's in me. It's shuddering in anticipation. I've felt it before, twice that I can think of. And both times I came up short. But it doesn't matter, because as much as I'd like to have won, I stopped only when I was in checkmate. And I don't feel an ounce of regret in either case. I did my best. And I'm proud of myself. And sure there are nay-sayers everywhere who say it was a fools quest. People who said it was stupid to even try. Jonny, if you're reading this, you'll enjoy my next positive message. To all of those people, fuck you. I don't have a bit of remorse, I'd do it the same again. Say nay to me again this time. Tell me I'm being stupid. Illogical. Tell me I should be sensible, and give this up. You can't touch me, you can't move me. You won't phase me, you won't divert me. The rest of my life is mine. And when I make it, you'll all say you're proud of me, like you were patting my back the entire time. And I'll get a small chuckle from it. I'm good. I'm going to show you all that I'm good. I'm done wishing. I'm done imagining. It's time to act. Time to move. Hell, it's past time, I got to make up some space. I'm done lounging, I'm done being the burned out college student. It's time for a redefinition of myself. I've found something to latch onto, I've found something to be passionate about.
I'm going to be unstoppable. It all starts with a first step. I've taken a lot of first steps. I promise you, and myself, that this time, I'm going to take the last step as well.
I'm probably going to piss a few people off along the way. I'm sorry. But it can't be helped. I've got a goal, and if you get in my way, I'm going to run you down. If you kindly object, I'm going to kindly ignore you.
I'm better than this. Much better than this. I'm wasting away here, and now I'm done. No one makes it without risk. Only those bold enough to chase their dreams ever catch them. Anyone who has ever made it, at one time or another, put all of their eggs in one basket. They've bet it all on black, and they got lucky. Well now I'm ready. Now I'm ready to put everything on the line. And if I don't win, at least I won't look back in fifty years and say it was because I never took the chance.
So now, it's on. I'm tired of telling other people what to do. I'm tired of trying to help other people figure out their lives and not looking at my own.
Most of the people who read this have no idea about me. A couple do. Most of the people who have seen me recently, hell, anyone who has met me after I was six, have no idea of what I'm capable of. I've been quiet. I've been watching. I hope my family hasn't lost faith in me, I wouldn't blame them if they have. It doesn't really matter anymore. I'll show them again. I've been brooding, I've been dancing, I've been doing the motions. I've been bored. I've been doing what I've been told. I've fit in, I've conformed. I've bent, I've twisted. I've played by the rules, because I had to. Done my homework.... sometimes. Studied... sometimes. Never chewed gum in class. Worked for teachers approval to get a letter on a piece of paper. I've studied the "bi-labial stop," I've studied Romeo and Juliet until it was coming out of my ears. I wrote an eight page paper in 12th grade with each individual thought written on a separate notecard. Never because I wanted to, never because I thought it was of any redeeming value whatsoever. Because I had to.
But I'm 22 now. I'm not in school, I'm separate from my parents, I am completely independant. Now there are no more rules. I'm free. And what have I done with this freedom? I've been squandering it. I've been content with standing on a path leading to a meaningless life of serving coffee, or working the A-Mod. All that is over now. It's a power trip, it really is, to realize you answer to no one anymore. No one but yourself. I can do anything. Anything. And I'll never settle again. I know what I'm capable of, and few others do, because they've never seen me want anything. They've never seen me attack something with everything I have. But it's in me. It's shuddering in anticipation. I've felt it before, twice that I can think of. And both times I came up short. But it doesn't matter, because as much as I'd like to have won, I stopped only when I was in checkmate. And I don't feel an ounce of regret in either case. I did my best. And I'm proud of myself. And sure there are nay-sayers everywhere who say it was a fools quest. People who said it was stupid to even try. Jonny, if you're reading this, you'll enjoy my next positive message. To all of those people, fuck you. I don't have a bit of remorse, I'd do it the same again. Say nay to me again this time. Tell me I'm being stupid. Illogical. Tell me I should be sensible, and give this up. You can't touch me, you can't move me. You won't phase me, you won't divert me. The rest of my life is mine. And when I make it, you'll all say you're proud of me, like you were patting my back the entire time. And I'll get a small chuckle from it. I'm good. I'm going to show you all that I'm good. I'm done wishing. I'm done imagining. It's time to act. Time to move. Hell, it's past time, I got to make up some space. I'm done lounging, I'm done being the burned out college student. It's time for a redefinition of myself. I've found something to latch onto, I've found something to be passionate about.
I'm going to be unstoppable. It all starts with a first step. I've taken a lot of first steps. I promise you, and myself, that this time, I'm going to take the last step as well.
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