If You Build It, They Will Come.

Monday, February 14, 2005

I wish I was special... but I'm a creep...


I hate Valentine's Day. I went through a depressing spot in my life (spot = two years) where all I did was bitch about not having a girlfriend on my blog, and to my friends, and to bartenders, and strangers on the bus, and goldfish, and anyone that would listen. Since then, I've gotten a lot better. I'm over it and it's not something I think about that often. I have friends who are married, and I'm happy for them. Everything is all good.

Today marks the 5th straight year I've not had a date on Valentine's Day. The last date I had on Feb 14, was in 1999, just over a week after I started dating Laura Barb. Everyone's buying flowers and going on dates and to dinner and to movies and having a great time with someone it seems, and I'm going to sit at home all night and watch 24, then flip over to Raw, then flip over to the Daily Show. My dates tonight are Jack Bauer, Triple H, and Jon Stewart. Lame, my friends, lame.

Now it's not so much Valentine's Day, as it is remembering how long I've been single. I dated Jackie for like a month and change before she left for christmas, she came back a few weeks later, and we broke up. With the exception of what ended up being a short relationship, I've not had a girlfriend in five years. That's the part that's getting me. For a while it was like putting on weight. A pound or two every week, you don't really notice, but then one day you wake up and realize you're like 350lbs. That's how this feels. I'm not 350lbs.

This isn't like a "pity me" post, it's more just me typing out what is in my head. Just recently this realization has popped into my head, and today especially, I was really f*#kin' depressed. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything, so a bunch of comments saying "But you are really funny and nice, and someday a girl will see that," or "There's someone out there, and all the other ones were just not meant to be," or "You are the hottest guy in the world, and I'd give my left arm for one night with you," aren't really necessary.

All this seems to be magnified by the fact that there's someone I know that I'm terribly interested in, that is not really interested in me. I see this girl a lot too, in fact, she's the one I was dreaming about. I find myself getting terribly jealous, which admittedly is completely ridiculous. Even as I feel jealous, I realize it's ridiculous. I just feel like I'm being overlooked, passed off. I feel like once again, there's this girl that I'm very attracted to, and I'm forced to be her friend and hear about (or in some cases, see) her happy relationship with someone else. The best though is whe I get in those positions where they ask ME for advice on their lovelife. And I always help, and from then on I get the feeling that the misery I feel at watching her relationship work out is now entirely my own fault. Which I guess it always is anyway.

I guess I'm just down because it's been so long, and on days like today, I feel very alone. Especially out here, where I don't know anyone. It seems most my friends are married or engaged or at least spending today with someone they love. My roommates just recently got engaged, so they're all lovey-dovey today, getting flowers and going out and stuff. It's just everywhere today.

I try not to bitch about this stuff. I really do, believe it or not. I just feel so alone sometimes.

Happy Valentine's Day.
<3 -j

Addendum: After writing this, I went back to check what I posted last Valentine's Day... and the one before that... and the one before that. There's a post, just like this one, within a week of Valentine's day every year. Check out the archives. It's comical, in a depressing sort of way.


  • Hi there,

    I won't ask you put on some rose-colored glasses so you'd cheer up a bit, especially since romance *is* dead and "love" is really just an illusion hence doesn't actually exist. But um...

    If it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat with you. In fact, I go through every day as though it's fucking Valentine's Day so that I can sub-consciously remind (and pity) myself that I'm gonna die alone at the age of 283 (that's how long God wants to torture me for) in some dingy, old, nursing home with an orange next to my bed because it's my least favorite fruit and my retarded nurse doesn't know any better.

    Surely there should be something else we can live for? Like some really good lesbian porn or a fab night out with your favorite friends.

    Take care.

    Chrissy the Self-degrading Specialist

    By Blogger Chrissy, at Mon Feb 14, 10:41:00 PM EST  

  • The only consalation I can provide is to say I'm also in the same boat...and so are millions of others.

    What we three should do is post when we are out of this boat, helping the other to get themselves out.

    If this girl doesn't wanna know, it's her lose. Easy to say, even to myself, but hey, it's probably right.

    Anyway, nice reading your blog and good luck.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Mon Feb 14, 10:56:00 PM EST  

  • Chicks are for Fags

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Tue Feb 22, 11:02:00 PM EST  

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