If You Build It, They Will Come.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Ninja in the Killing Fields

If you know me, you know I love really bad movies. I was a big fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 when I was a kid, and it was tradition at 1530K to go out to the Olde Peninsula on thursday night, then head over to Video Hits Plus, find the most terrible looking Sci-Fi, Kung Fu, Horror, or otherwise bad film we could, bring it home, and put it in, and Marcy, John, Adam and I would proceed to enjoy it while adding our own little clever remarks. (That was a run on sentence.) This became so fun, that christmas was filled with terrible gifts on DVD. One of which that was either given to me, or was purchased for said bad movie night, was a pile called "Ninja in the Killing Fields."

As I tried to fall asleep last night (unsuccessfully until nearly 9am), I thought maybe if I put on a movie, I'd crash out. I wanted something I didn't really need to pay attention to, and figured NITKF would do just fine.

It didn't work. I got really into it. In a very comedic way. (That was a sentence fragment.)




I had to turn it off, as it wasn't helping, but I decided to finish watching it today. This film has one of the greatest most inexplicable endings that would make even Stanley Kubrick confused. The basic story leading up to it is that there's these evil drug dealing ninjas headed by this caucasian ninja who looks a lot like Graham Chapman of Monty Python fame, who for some reason dresses all in bright red ninja attire, which as red is the easiest color for the eye to see, seems to defeat the purpose. The japanese enlist the help of a "streetsmart American cop" named Richard Jones and he is also a ninja, but he wears all bright yellow. There's fighter jets, and traitor ninjas, and a really dorky looking ninja informant, and a japanese cop who looks like Tony Clifton, and tanks, and a gas station robbery. All this is unimportant. What is pure awesome is the ending.

Richard and the red ninja square off at the end. Apparently these nijas can bury themselves quickly and attack from underground, because that's how red ninja starts the battle. Then they fight a bit, and Richard chops off red ninja's hand which lands on the ground and then inexplicably flies off the ground and explodes once it hits a tree. Then Red ninja throws something at Richard, who dodges cleanly, and shoots ninja darts or something out of a wrist gun. Red ninja explodes. Richard waves his hand around, his yellow costume explodes, and his street clothes are on him.
Then, as he walks away, he hears a frog. He looks shocked, and approaches the frog. Then he says, "Huh? A frog!" and tries to grab it. It disappears, and turns into two frogs. He grabs at one of those, and it disappears, and suddenly there are four frogs. He stands up, visually upset, and says "Shit, who needs you!?" He turns, and as the victory music plays (which sounds like it came from a cheap casio keyboard) he pulls out his walkie talkie and says (verbatum), "I'm Richard. Our enemy Marshall Sears is eliminated. I here announce the case is over." Cut to red, and in big words: The End.

Totally awesome.

Also, there's a sweet line where a guy is talking to a girl ninja, and their romantic dialogue makes George Lucas look like Shakespeare.

Girl: Love making shouldn't be by force, why not just say the word?
They start kissing.
Boy: Didn't know a woman with your fighting skills was such a good kisser!
Girl: You're not bad yourself. I never expected that one such as you... from the underworld... could be so gentile.
Boy: Did your ninja training camps also teach you love-making?

Now that's what I call smooth....

-j

4 Comments:

  • Interestingly enough, I do believe I have actually seen that. I'm sorry to say, however, that I am not fortunate enough to own it :)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Mon Sep 05, 01:29:00 AM EDT  

  • I wonder if they give lessons in being that suave :)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Mon Sep 05, 03:52:00 AM EDT  

  • ah yes the always popular "like WTF" ending. I miss bad movie night.

    By Blogger John, at Mon Sep 05, 07:22:00 AM EDT  

  • John, I don't have your phone number. I think you emailed it to me, but I seem to have lost it. You should call me, or email it to me again.

    Bad Movie Night could still live on. We just need to find another person or two.

    Marcy and Adam have abandoned us.

    -j

    By Blogger Joseph, at Mon Sep 05, 03:36:00 PM EDT  

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