Well guess what. I had a long and interesting story on here about how my garbage disposal broke loose and spilled about a gallon of spaghetti flavored water on the floor at 2:30 in the morning last night, but it seems to have never been published. I could re-write it, but it has been brought to my attention that my pal Jackie has shot back at my rebutal on her site. So in the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, "Well, allow me to retort..."
Falling in love doesn't take strength or courage. Sometimes the weakest people can fall in love. That's never good, and I've seen it happen. It's been me once. See my view on love is not totally optimistic. In fact if you'd ask anyone who knew me well over the last year and a half, it's been pretty pessimistic. See, I'd say I've been in love twice, and once it was never good, and once it was good for a while before going really bad. My email quote links to this site promising a deeper look into my life, and now it's living up to its promise.
The first time there was this girl that I was crazy about. Her name was Kristine and I met her in 7th grade. Everyone said we'd make a good couple through out junior high, but I was a shy kid, especially around girls, and I never had the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. Then one day I was like, "C'mon Joseph. You can do this. Just ask, what's the worst that can happen, she'd say no?" Turns out that wasn't the worst that could happen. I rehearsed it all day, what I would say, what she could possibly say, and all my answers to her responses. We took the same bus home, that's when I'd ask.
I got on the bus and she was all smiles. I was ready to launch into my sales pitch, when I aborted to ask why she was so happy. Turns out she just hooked up with Kevin Segard. My best friend since 2nd grade.
The next year I moved to BFE Ohio, and Krissy and I wrote back and forth. But it was mostly me writing. Me calling. She'd move a few times and never tell me her new address until like four months later when she'd write me a letter saying "Sorry, I suck" and that would usually be all it would take for me to get over it. It was by this time that I thought I was in love. She really was cool, and we'd have a good time when we hung out and stuff. But those times were few and far between. And then she was gone.
For about six months during my senior year I didn't hear from her. Her number had been disconnected. I wrote letters but never got a reply. Then someone sent me a newspaper clipping (of which I recently discovered I still have) that said she was in a play in downtown Grand Rapids. I tried to call the theatre, but never got through to anyone. So discouraged, I gave up. Then my friends mom somehow figured it all out and got Krissy's number. I called and there she was. We ended up meeting in Grand Rapids and I saw her play. Then she came down to Ohio to see my band play. The first night she was there, we stayed up until 3:30am just talking, the whole while her hand on my head, playing in my hair. She was telling me how great of a guy I was, and how I'd make a teriffic husband someday, when she quietly drifted off and fell asleep, looking as beautiful as ever lying peacefully in the moonlight. The next night we had our show and her and I drove to a post-gig party. That's when I told her. This feeling I had for her, built up for so long, spilled out when I finally said those three little words.
And she knew. Like for a long time she had known how I felt. She kissed my cheek. She told me she didn't feel the same way, but she let me down really easy. She gave me a little hope though, that it didn't mean she would never feel that way. But then she went in and flirted with my friend Seth. I didn't care. I got six years of feelings out in three words.
I recently also found twelve pages of notebook paper on which I wrote how I felt about the whole event days after it happened. I would drive down to Clearfork Reservoir everyday after school for a week and write about that night. It's almost humorous to read it now.
February came around and I was on the phone with her one day. We were talking about Prom. I was like "I'm probably not going to go. There's no one I want to go with." And she said "I'll go with you." This was the first of February, I remember because it was my brothers birthday. Prom was May 9, but I was counting the days. We made all the plans, who was driving where, what dress she was wearing, I had dinner reservations, we were all set. And after three months of planning, she cancelled on me five days before Prom because she was going to start a new job that day. Of course she could've started the next week, but she didn't want to wait.
I knew then why they called it heartbreak. I felt it. It hurt like nothing I've felt before, this pain in my chest. I missed school the next day. My mom called me in sick. That was the only time in my life my mom said I was sick when I wasn't. I ended up going with my friend Erin, who had already graduated and I'm sure had to swallow a lot of pride to come back to a high school prom. I am sure I had a better time with her than I would've had with Krissy. Erin was so sweet. She knew how down I was about the whole thing and agreed to go with me with only four days notice. She really helped me out, not just there, but throughout my life. She's always been there for me and she's always backed me up. She's taught me more about myself than anyone else. For this and so may other reasons I am forever grateful to have her in my life. And in a much more powerful way than any of the relationships I've had in my life, I love her, because she is truly my best and closest friend.
Since that day, I had seen Krissy a few times. The earliest was two years later when I moved up to Kalamazoo and we ran into each other at a TGI Fridays. I saw her in another play after that. That was a good day. She introduced me to her boyfriend. I had never actually met any of her boyfriends before but I was sure if I did, I would probably flip out because of all the feelings I had for her. It was a good day because that was the day I realized I didn't have any feelings for her apart from friendship anymore. She was there when Laura and I broke up. I met her at a restaurant and we hung out. She came down to visit a few times and I went up there a few times. She moved out to Colorado for last summer (2000) to work at a ranch. She wrote me a letter from there, telling me how much she loved it.
That was the last time I ever heard from her.
I still think about her sometimes. Sometimes I find old pictures of us and remember how much fun we had together. Other times I find old pictures of us and remember the hell both her and I put me through. It wasn't all her fault. She wanted to be my friend, I wanted more. I was weak. I was always loyal and never dared give up on her, thinking that she'd come around and fall for me, and we'd live happily ever after. I kidded myself for six years. Six years. And then I finally gave up.
The reason I went into such a long story, other than the fact that I just got carried away, is to prove the "no pain, no gain" theory. That whole thing sucked. Completely. I've never felt as bad as I did May 4, 1998. But from it, I've taken away so much. I've learned a lot about me, and about love, and about girls, and long distance relationships, and faithfullness, and so on and so on. I've learned that sometimes a hopeless case is a hopeless case. I've learned not to force something that isn't there. I've learned to see the signs that it's not there. I've learned when I'm being strung along. I've learned that distance isn't always a killer, but you both have to want it, not just one of you. I've learned what it's like to be taken advantage of, and how to not have it happen in the future. I've learned that you aren't owed a fairy tale ending to a story that seems like it deserves one. I've learned how to get over someone (although it never has been nor ever will be easy).
And that is my outlook. No matter what terrrible thing happens to you, there's always a lesson. There's always something you can take away from it. It's sucks that experience is what you get after you already needed it, but it's always there for next time. I had a pessimistic outlook on love for a long time, (ask Jon, Jackie). I was sad that I had no one. I was alone and I hated it. But now it's not so bad. I mean I'd like to have a girlfriend of the same caliber of the 60" flatscreen digital TV, but I don't need it. I don't need anyone but myself. I've learned that. Before I couldn't stand being alone, because I thought it was a reflection on me. Like I wasn't worth a relationship, because no one liked me. But the truth is, I didn't like me either. That was my whole problem, and once I fixed that, once I realized that I am the first one who has to like me and then others would follow, I did some serious searching, some serious self evalution, and I realized that I'm a pretty cool guy. I mean, I remember birthdays and stuff. I'm nice, and I listen to people. I'm deep when I want to be, and other times I just love to sit down and watch WWF Monday Night Raw (speaking of which, what did I miss Jackie?) I'm good at reading people, understanding why people do what they do, and with that comes compassion. So as it turns out, I'm not a bad guy, no matter how worthless Krissy made me feel. And when you get to that point where you realize you're cool without needing people to tell you you're cool, it's very liberating, and everything else seems to fall into place (yes, Tera, that was for you).
So after that, it all boils down to this. Love can be the best thing in the world and it can be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes both at the same time. My good friend Crystal says it's "complicating. Amazing if it's good. Tragic if it's one sided." But it's not something to be afraid of. Once you're there it's the most intense feeling you've ever experinced. And even if it doesn't work out, there's always something you learn that helps you out the next time. No one gets through life without a little heartache. Very seldom are first-loves also only- and last-loves. But it all comes with life.
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -S. Morgenstern
"Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out." -Steve Martin
Falling in love doesn't take strength or courage. Sometimes the weakest people can fall in love. That's never good, and I've seen it happen. It's been me once. See my view on love is not totally optimistic. In fact if you'd ask anyone who knew me well over the last year and a half, it's been pretty pessimistic. See, I'd say I've been in love twice, and once it was never good, and once it was good for a while before going really bad. My email quote links to this site promising a deeper look into my life, and now it's living up to its promise.
The first time there was this girl that I was crazy about. Her name was Kristine and I met her in 7th grade. Everyone said we'd make a good couple through out junior high, but I was a shy kid, especially around girls, and I never had the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. Then one day I was like, "C'mon Joseph. You can do this. Just ask, what's the worst that can happen, she'd say no?" Turns out that wasn't the worst that could happen. I rehearsed it all day, what I would say, what she could possibly say, and all my answers to her responses. We took the same bus home, that's when I'd ask.
I got on the bus and she was all smiles. I was ready to launch into my sales pitch, when I aborted to ask why she was so happy. Turns out she just hooked up with Kevin Segard. My best friend since 2nd grade.
The next year I moved to BFE Ohio, and Krissy and I wrote back and forth. But it was mostly me writing. Me calling. She'd move a few times and never tell me her new address until like four months later when she'd write me a letter saying "Sorry, I suck" and that would usually be all it would take for me to get over it. It was by this time that I thought I was in love. She really was cool, and we'd have a good time when we hung out and stuff. But those times were few and far between. And then she was gone.
For about six months during my senior year I didn't hear from her. Her number had been disconnected. I wrote letters but never got a reply. Then someone sent me a newspaper clipping (of which I recently discovered I still have) that said she was in a play in downtown Grand Rapids. I tried to call the theatre, but never got through to anyone. So discouraged, I gave up. Then my friends mom somehow figured it all out and got Krissy's number. I called and there she was. We ended up meeting in Grand Rapids and I saw her play. Then she came down to Ohio to see my band play. The first night she was there, we stayed up until 3:30am just talking, the whole while her hand on my head, playing in my hair. She was telling me how great of a guy I was, and how I'd make a teriffic husband someday, when she quietly drifted off and fell asleep, looking as beautiful as ever lying peacefully in the moonlight. The next night we had our show and her and I drove to a post-gig party. That's when I told her. This feeling I had for her, built up for so long, spilled out when I finally said those three little words.
And she knew. Like for a long time she had known how I felt. She kissed my cheek. She told me she didn't feel the same way, but she let me down really easy. She gave me a little hope though, that it didn't mean she would never feel that way. But then she went in and flirted with my friend Seth. I didn't care. I got six years of feelings out in three words.
I recently also found twelve pages of notebook paper on which I wrote how I felt about the whole event days after it happened. I would drive down to Clearfork Reservoir everyday after school for a week and write about that night. It's almost humorous to read it now.
February came around and I was on the phone with her one day. We were talking about Prom. I was like "I'm probably not going to go. There's no one I want to go with." And she said "I'll go with you." This was the first of February, I remember because it was my brothers birthday. Prom was May 9, but I was counting the days. We made all the plans, who was driving where, what dress she was wearing, I had dinner reservations, we were all set. And after three months of planning, she cancelled on me five days before Prom because she was going to start a new job that day. Of course she could've started the next week, but she didn't want to wait.
I knew then why they called it heartbreak. I felt it. It hurt like nothing I've felt before, this pain in my chest. I missed school the next day. My mom called me in sick. That was the only time in my life my mom said I was sick when I wasn't. I ended up going with my friend Erin, who had already graduated and I'm sure had to swallow a lot of pride to come back to a high school prom. I am sure I had a better time with her than I would've had with Krissy. Erin was so sweet. She knew how down I was about the whole thing and agreed to go with me with only four days notice. She really helped me out, not just there, but throughout my life. She's always been there for me and she's always backed me up. She's taught me more about myself than anyone else. For this and so may other reasons I am forever grateful to have her in my life. And in a much more powerful way than any of the relationships I've had in my life, I love her, because she is truly my best and closest friend.
Since that day, I had seen Krissy a few times. The earliest was two years later when I moved up to Kalamazoo and we ran into each other at a TGI Fridays. I saw her in another play after that. That was a good day. She introduced me to her boyfriend. I had never actually met any of her boyfriends before but I was sure if I did, I would probably flip out because of all the feelings I had for her. It was a good day because that was the day I realized I didn't have any feelings for her apart from friendship anymore. She was there when Laura and I broke up. I met her at a restaurant and we hung out. She came down to visit a few times and I went up there a few times. She moved out to Colorado for last summer (2000) to work at a ranch. She wrote me a letter from there, telling me how much she loved it.
That was the last time I ever heard from her.
I still think about her sometimes. Sometimes I find old pictures of us and remember how much fun we had together. Other times I find old pictures of us and remember the hell both her and I put me through. It wasn't all her fault. She wanted to be my friend, I wanted more. I was weak. I was always loyal and never dared give up on her, thinking that she'd come around and fall for me, and we'd live happily ever after. I kidded myself for six years. Six years. And then I finally gave up.
The reason I went into such a long story, other than the fact that I just got carried away, is to prove the "no pain, no gain" theory. That whole thing sucked. Completely. I've never felt as bad as I did May 4, 1998. But from it, I've taken away so much. I've learned a lot about me, and about love, and about girls, and long distance relationships, and faithfullness, and so on and so on. I've learned that sometimes a hopeless case is a hopeless case. I've learned not to force something that isn't there. I've learned to see the signs that it's not there. I've learned when I'm being strung along. I've learned that distance isn't always a killer, but you both have to want it, not just one of you. I've learned what it's like to be taken advantage of, and how to not have it happen in the future. I've learned that you aren't owed a fairy tale ending to a story that seems like it deserves one. I've learned how to get over someone (although it never has been nor ever will be easy).
And that is my outlook. No matter what terrrible thing happens to you, there's always a lesson. There's always something you can take away from it. It's sucks that experience is what you get after you already needed it, but it's always there for next time. I had a pessimistic outlook on love for a long time, (ask Jon, Jackie). I was sad that I had no one. I was alone and I hated it. But now it's not so bad. I mean I'd like to have a girlfriend of the same caliber of the 60" flatscreen digital TV, but I don't need it. I don't need anyone but myself. I've learned that. Before I couldn't stand being alone, because I thought it was a reflection on me. Like I wasn't worth a relationship, because no one liked me. But the truth is, I didn't like me either. That was my whole problem, and once I fixed that, once I realized that I am the first one who has to like me and then others would follow, I did some serious searching, some serious self evalution, and I realized that I'm a pretty cool guy. I mean, I remember birthdays and stuff. I'm nice, and I listen to people. I'm deep when I want to be, and other times I just love to sit down and watch WWF Monday Night Raw (speaking of which, what did I miss Jackie?) I'm good at reading people, understanding why people do what they do, and with that comes compassion. So as it turns out, I'm not a bad guy, no matter how worthless Krissy made me feel. And when you get to that point where you realize you're cool without needing people to tell you you're cool, it's very liberating, and everything else seems to fall into place (yes, Tera, that was for you).
So after that, it all boils down to this. Love can be the best thing in the world and it can be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes both at the same time. My good friend Crystal says it's "complicating. Amazing if it's good. Tragic if it's one sided." But it's not something to be afraid of. Once you're there it's the most intense feeling you've ever experinced. And even if it doesn't work out, there's always something you learn that helps you out the next time. No one gets through life without a little heartache. Very seldom are first-loves also only- and last-loves. But it all comes with life.
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -S. Morgenstern
"Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out." -Steve Martin
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