Video games suck.
Odd that I work at Babbages, a video game store, but still, video games suck. Let me tell you why. There is nothing truly original out there anymore that is selling, so the industries don't make original games. They recycle the same over-used mindless garbage that for some reason is really popular. For example...
1PS (First Person Shooter)
This genre started with Wolfenstein, and continued through Wolfenstein 2, Wolfenstein 3, 4, 5.....93, 94, and finally has come to Return to Castle Wolfenstein. All the games along the way have had different sub-nambes. Wolfenstein 2 I believe was called "Doom" and Wolfenstein 3 was "Doom 2." Then came "Wolfenstein 7: Quake 2" and "Wolfenstein 12: Unreal" One of my favorites was "Woflenstein 48: Halflife" or it's later, just as expensive version of "Wolfenstein 82: Halflife Blue-Shift." My favorite, of course, used to be "Wolfenstein 23: Duke Nukem" but since getting my hands on "Wolfenstein 44: Quake 3 Arena" (Not to be confused with "Wolfenstein 49: Quake 3 Team Arena") I've just sort of lost interest in it. That and "Wolfenstein 67: Perfect Dark," or "Wolfenstein 37: Goldeneye." My friend told me I should try "Wolfenstein 91: Deus Ex." What's the differece? Kill Nazis, aliens, zombies, or other people, you've changed the look of the enemy. You've changed the map, you've changed the look of the guns. Does anybody else out there realize they are the EXACT SAME GAMES?!?! It's like buying two boxes of Milk Duds because one has a yellow box, and the other has a yellow box with a red stripe. It's still just Milk Duds!!
3PS (Third Person Shooter.)
These are your Tomb Raiders, your Max Payne's, your Alices and I'll admit they are more interesting. Why? Because you can jump! You can actually see your guy jump! That's about it. Run around and shoot things. Why? Who knows, but did you see the blood splatter out of that demon when I fired the BFG10K at him? That was AWESOME!!!!
Sporting Games
Not Sports games, Sporting games. Real Fishin', Sega Bass Classic, Real Fishin' 2, Deer Hunter 1-5, Wild Turkey Shoot. The only thing lazier than playing video games, USED to be getting in a canoe, going out on the lake, dropping your line in the water and waiting for hours. Now? You don't even have to make THAT effort. You can sit in your chair and play a video game by doing nothing but staring at the screen, waiting for a tug. If I ever buy one of these games, I must be in a coma, and please, somebody pull the plug.
Racing Games
Racing Games ALMOST fall into the Sporting Games category, because a lot of these games are for hicks. NASCAR Thunder and such. But I realize that there are games out there that are more popular for the city folk too. Gran Turismo 3 comes to mind. Oh Gran Turismo 3, the best racing game! Oh Gran Turismo 3, it looks so real! Oh oh. AH HORSE SHIT!! What the hell is so entertaining about a game where you sit and drive? I do that all the time on the way to campus, and you know what? That drive is as mindless as GT3. Racing games are SO boring. I once got the silver cup in F-Zero X. I didn't even realize I was playing. The entire time I was thinking about going home for Thanksgiving, and how my classes were going, and does my car need gas, who am I working with tonight, I wonder what Fred Savage is doing right now? Or that kid from Saved By The Bell. The nerdy guy, Screech. You know the Zack kid is now on NYPD Blue? That's pretty cool. That fat bald guy is still on that show, I thought he got shot in the pilot. Oh look, I beat the game. You know who I miss, that one girl from Saved By The Bell, the one from Showgirls. I always liked her.
Role Playing Games
Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior, these games are actually good. Why? They have something that makes you want to keep playing. Plot. A story. Twists, turns. These are things that make me pick up a controller and say, "I wonder what will happen next." Unlike Quake, where I bet what happens next is I kill something with a really big gun, or GT3, where I bet I turn left. The only problem I have with them is the fighting. That is TOO slow. If only we could have a game about an elf kid who needs to save a princess and he fights this evil guy, but along the way theres a story that changes and a plot gets developed and the fighting is quick and more realistic than HP and MP. We could call this game, "The Legend of Susan" or whatever the princesses name would be. That would be cool.
Sports Games
Electronic Arts can make a sports game like it's nobodies business. EA is responsible for NHL 2002, NBA 2002, FIFA 2002, MLB 2002, and the most realistic of them all Madden 2002. John Madden actually sounds like the annoying moronic announcer we've all come to know and mute. Sports games are fun, but in portions. I can sit here and play an entire hockey game, and if I'm into it enough, I can play the playoffs over a few days. But man, after a while, I'll bet it would look more realistic if I strapped on a pair of skates and actually went outside with a tennis ball and a hockey stick. That's the thing, why play a game on a tv you can play in real life? I mean yeah its cool to be Steve Yzerman, or Joe Sakic, or Theo Fleury. It's cool to be coming to you "live" from Madison Square Garden or the Kiel Center. But man, get up and go play hockey, or football, or basketball. If you want to, play baseball, but I suggest something more strenuous and physically exhausting in baseballs case. Try EA's MLB 2002. Or maybe fishing.
Online Communities
Tired of Ultima or Everquest? Waiting for the next big community thing? Well here it is! It's called EARTH!! MEET REAL PEOPLE! Everquest boasts 700,000 occupants. Here's news for you. Earth boasts 6,000,000,000 occupants. That's not counting animals or nothing either. That's just in people!! Real people look more realistic, there's no monthly fee, no waiting to log on, no getting booted off! It's amazing! Just listen to these satisfied customers.
"I was online for 20 hours a day, and then one day it happened. My curtain collapsed and I saw the real world. I was like 'Whoa, you can't see the end of it!'" -Derrick S., 24 years old.
"My mom broke my computer, and she made me take my brother outside. Well naturally I was nervous, I mean, outside, come on. But one I got there, I wasn't sitting in a putrid fog of my own tearjerking body odor anymore. I heard noises and they were in surround sound. I heard a bird, and it sounded like it was behind me! Thanks mom!" -Kyle M., 20 years old.
You don't need to be afraid of shampoo or showers, toothbrushes or sunlight anymore! So go outside and get Earth today!!
Platform
I'll admit, mindless as well. But these are good for sentimental reasons. These are the games that most of us grew up playing. These are the ones where we got real excited when they came out. These are Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Metroid, Ninja Gaiden, etc. These are classics on the old NES and Sega Genesis. And if anyone born near 1980 got ahold of one now, we'd still know about the warp zone behind the pipe in level 1-2.
Fighting
Tekken, Mortal Kombat, Soul Calibur, Street Fighter. Fun, in doses. And only if you aren't playing against a dork. I use that term with a smile, because it isn't derogatory. But the dork is one who spends countless hours learning every combo for every character, and then proceeds to flawlessly destroy you everytime you touch the controller before your guy even blinks. And my god is that fun. Sarcasm. And after that dork beats you over and over, gloating about it, thinking that the fact that Scorpion just ripped of Johnny Cage's head is really going to hurt your feelings, along comes another dork, who mops the floor with the inferior dorks candy ass. To the first dork, this is a personal attack. His dorkhood has just been taken to the cleaners, and he isn't happy. So he challenges superior dork again. And once again his ass is handed to him. Inferior dork is now angry, livid, blaming the controller ("NO FAIR, MY BUTTON STUCK!!"), the game ("I HIT HIM, I HIT HIM! THIS FREAKING GAME CHEATS!!"), or some other random factor that has nothing to do with it (DAMMIT, I COULD BEAT YOU IF I HADN'T EATEN ALL THAT SPAGHETTI!!!). Then he proceeds to make sure everybody who witnessed his demise at the hands of Super Dork understands that this is the excuse he is going with. ("Man, I can't believe the button stuck. Can you? Look at it. Try it, I bet it sticks. Oh sure it doesn't stick for you. Of course. Man did you see that though, I had him, then the button stuck. It stuck, I swear. Why else wouldn't I have hit you? You were open for the kill shot. It stuck. The button. The button stuck.") Sometimes watching people play video games is more entertaining than the games themselves.
Adventure
These are it. The best games. The games no one comes out with anymore, because people are somehoiw satisfied with Real Fishin'. Adventure games. Games with a plot, a story that you are in. The 7th Guest, Phantasmagoria, Tex Murphy, Myst, Riven, The Longest Journey. These games require too much thought for some. They'd rather turn left for hours. Me? I need a game with an inventory or puzzles and a plot with characters that talk and there's twists and turns and you don't know what will happen next, and the soundtrack is cool and you can talk to other characters and pick what you're saying, and you have to be smart to figure stuff out. You have to go back and see where you've been to see where you're going. Of course, this doesn't fit in with the kill everything motif, and these games aren't around anymore.
Original new ideas never catch on because no one lets them. Tender Loving Care pretty much flopped, though it was given the title of Best DVD Game for the year it came out. Majestic is one I've gotten into, a video game that calls you at home, emails you, IM's you. That's never been done before, and may never be done again. I don't think we've sold a single copy.
But man, Wolfenstein 138: Return to Castle Wolfenstein?? We can't keep that on the shelves.
Odd that I work at Babbages, a video game store, but still, video games suck. Let me tell you why. There is nothing truly original out there anymore that is selling, so the industries don't make original games. They recycle the same over-used mindless garbage that for some reason is really popular. For example...
1PS (First Person Shooter)
This genre started with Wolfenstein, and continued through Wolfenstein 2, Wolfenstein 3, 4, 5.....93, 94, and finally has come to Return to Castle Wolfenstein. All the games along the way have had different sub-nambes. Wolfenstein 2 I believe was called "Doom" and Wolfenstein 3 was "Doom 2." Then came "Wolfenstein 7: Quake 2" and "Wolfenstein 12: Unreal" One of my favorites was "Woflenstein 48: Halflife" or it's later, just as expensive version of "Wolfenstein 82: Halflife Blue-Shift." My favorite, of course, used to be "Wolfenstein 23: Duke Nukem" but since getting my hands on "Wolfenstein 44: Quake 3 Arena" (Not to be confused with "Wolfenstein 49: Quake 3 Team Arena") I've just sort of lost interest in it. That and "Wolfenstein 67: Perfect Dark," or "Wolfenstein 37: Goldeneye." My friend told me I should try "Wolfenstein 91: Deus Ex." What's the differece? Kill Nazis, aliens, zombies, or other people, you've changed the look of the enemy. You've changed the map, you've changed the look of the guns. Does anybody else out there realize they are the EXACT SAME GAMES?!?! It's like buying two boxes of Milk Duds because one has a yellow box, and the other has a yellow box with a red stripe. It's still just Milk Duds!!
3PS (Third Person Shooter.)
These are your Tomb Raiders, your Max Payne's, your Alices and I'll admit they are more interesting. Why? Because you can jump! You can actually see your guy jump! That's about it. Run around and shoot things. Why? Who knows, but did you see the blood splatter out of that demon when I fired the BFG10K at him? That was AWESOME!!!!
Sporting Games
Not Sports games, Sporting games. Real Fishin', Sega Bass Classic, Real Fishin' 2, Deer Hunter 1-5, Wild Turkey Shoot. The only thing lazier than playing video games, USED to be getting in a canoe, going out on the lake, dropping your line in the water and waiting for hours. Now? You don't even have to make THAT effort. You can sit in your chair and play a video game by doing nothing but staring at the screen, waiting for a tug. If I ever buy one of these games, I must be in a coma, and please, somebody pull the plug.
Racing Games
Racing Games ALMOST fall into the Sporting Games category, because a lot of these games are for hicks. NASCAR Thunder and such. But I realize that there are games out there that are more popular for the city folk too. Gran Turismo 3 comes to mind. Oh Gran Turismo 3, the best racing game! Oh Gran Turismo 3, it looks so real! Oh oh. AH HORSE SHIT!! What the hell is so entertaining about a game where you sit and drive? I do that all the time on the way to campus, and you know what? That drive is as mindless as GT3. Racing games are SO boring. I once got the silver cup in F-Zero X. I didn't even realize I was playing. The entire time I was thinking about going home for Thanksgiving, and how my classes were going, and does my car need gas, who am I working with tonight, I wonder what Fred Savage is doing right now? Or that kid from Saved By The Bell. The nerdy guy, Screech. You know the Zack kid is now on NYPD Blue? That's pretty cool. That fat bald guy is still on that show, I thought he got shot in the pilot. Oh look, I beat the game. You know who I miss, that one girl from Saved By The Bell, the one from Showgirls. I always liked her.
Role Playing Games
Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior, these games are actually good. Why? They have something that makes you want to keep playing. Plot. A story. Twists, turns. These are things that make me pick up a controller and say, "I wonder what will happen next." Unlike Quake, where I bet what happens next is I kill something with a really big gun, or GT3, where I bet I turn left. The only problem I have with them is the fighting. That is TOO slow. If only we could have a game about an elf kid who needs to save a princess and he fights this evil guy, but along the way theres a story that changes and a plot gets developed and the fighting is quick and more realistic than HP and MP. We could call this game, "The Legend of Susan" or whatever the princesses name would be. That would be cool.
Sports Games
Electronic Arts can make a sports game like it's nobodies business. EA is responsible for NHL 2002, NBA 2002, FIFA 2002, MLB 2002, and the most realistic of them all Madden 2002. John Madden actually sounds like the annoying moronic announcer we've all come to know and mute. Sports games are fun, but in portions. I can sit here and play an entire hockey game, and if I'm into it enough, I can play the playoffs over a few days. But man, after a while, I'll bet it would look more realistic if I strapped on a pair of skates and actually went outside with a tennis ball and a hockey stick. That's the thing, why play a game on a tv you can play in real life? I mean yeah its cool to be Steve Yzerman, or Joe Sakic, or Theo Fleury. It's cool to be coming to you "live" from Madison Square Garden or the Kiel Center. But man, get up and go play hockey, or football, or basketball. If you want to, play baseball, but I suggest something more strenuous and physically exhausting in baseballs case. Try EA's MLB 2002. Or maybe fishing.
Online Communities
Tired of Ultima or Everquest? Waiting for the next big community thing? Well here it is! It's called EARTH!! MEET REAL PEOPLE! Everquest boasts 700,000 occupants. Here's news for you. Earth boasts 6,000,000,000 occupants. That's not counting animals or nothing either. That's just in people!! Real people look more realistic, there's no monthly fee, no waiting to log on, no getting booted off! It's amazing! Just listen to these satisfied customers.
"I was online for 20 hours a day, and then one day it happened. My curtain collapsed and I saw the real world. I was like 'Whoa, you can't see the end of it!'" -Derrick S., 24 years old.
"My mom broke my computer, and she made me take my brother outside. Well naturally I was nervous, I mean, outside, come on. But one I got there, I wasn't sitting in a putrid fog of my own tearjerking body odor anymore. I heard noises and they were in surround sound. I heard a bird, and it sounded like it was behind me! Thanks mom!" -Kyle M., 20 years old.
You don't need to be afraid of shampoo or showers, toothbrushes or sunlight anymore! So go outside and get Earth today!!
Platform
I'll admit, mindless as well. But these are good for sentimental reasons. These are the games that most of us grew up playing. These are the ones where we got real excited when they came out. These are Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Metroid, Ninja Gaiden, etc. These are classics on the old NES and Sega Genesis. And if anyone born near 1980 got ahold of one now, we'd still know about the warp zone behind the pipe in level 1-2.
Fighting
Tekken, Mortal Kombat, Soul Calibur, Street Fighter. Fun, in doses. And only if you aren't playing against a dork. I use that term with a smile, because it isn't derogatory. But the dork is one who spends countless hours learning every combo for every character, and then proceeds to flawlessly destroy you everytime you touch the controller before your guy even blinks. And my god is that fun. Sarcasm. And after that dork beats you over and over, gloating about it, thinking that the fact that Scorpion just ripped of Johnny Cage's head is really going to hurt your feelings, along comes another dork, who mops the floor with the inferior dorks candy ass. To the first dork, this is a personal attack. His dorkhood has just been taken to the cleaners, and he isn't happy. So he challenges superior dork again. And once again his ass is handed to him. Inferior dork is now angry, livid, blaming the controller ("NO FAIR, MY BUTTON STUCK!!"), the game ("I HIT HIM, I HIT HIM! THIS FREAKING GAME CHEATS!!"), or some other random factor that has nothing to do with it (DAMMIT, I COULD BEAT YOU IF I HADN'T EATEN ALL THAT SPAGHETTI!!!). Then he proceeds to make sure everybody who witnessed his demise at the hands of Super Dork understands that this is the excuse he is going with. ("Man, I can't believe the button stuck. Can you? Look at it. Try it, I bet it sticks. Oh sure it doesn't stick for you. Of course. Man did you see that though, I had him, then the button stuck. It stuck, I swear. Why else wouldn't I have hit you? You were open for the kill shot. It stuck. The button. The button stuck.") Sometimes watching people play video games is more entertaining than the games themselves.
Adventure
These are it. The best games. The games no one comes out with anymore, because people are somehoiw satisfied with Real Fishin'. Adventure games. Games with a plot, a story that you are in. The 7th Guest, Phantasmagoria, Tex Murphy, Myst, Riven, The Longest Journey. These games require too much thought for some. They'd rather turn left for hours. Me? I need a game with an inventory or puzzles and a plot with characters that talk and there's twists and turns and you don't know what will happen next, and the soundtrack is cool and you can talk to other characters and pick what you're saying, and you have to be smart to figure stuff out. You have to go back and see where you've been to see where you're going. Of course, this doesn't fit in with the kill everything motif, and these games aren't around anymore.
Original new ideas never catch on because no one lets them. Tender Loving Care pretty much flopped, though it was given the title of Best DVD Game for the year it came out. Majestic is one I've gotten into, a video game that calls you at home, emails you, IM's you. That's never been done before, and may never be done again. I don't think we've sold a single copy.
But man, Wolfenstein 138: Return to Castle Wolfenstein?? We can't keep that on the shelves.
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