If You Build It, They Will Come.

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

I am tired. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being upset. I want to stop, but I can't seem to let myself. I want to smile but it always seems forced. I have this one friend that one time she called me up crying. I tried to talk her through it, I tried to be compassionate. At the end of the conversation I think I made her feel a little better, but not completely better. I told her I wanted to just give her a hug. It was like 2am. We hung up and I drove over to her place and surprised her, just to give her that hug. Then I find that when I'm down, people ignore it. Not all people, but the majority of the people who I want help from. Maybe I'm down too much. I know I've been pissy the last few times at the OP. I don't really know how to ask for help. I just get quiet and hope someone will ask why. I try to spread as much compassion and go out of my way to drive over to someones house at 2am just to make them feel better. But sometimes I need a little coming my way too. Sometimes I need someone to talk to. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes I need to feel like someone is concerned. Like the way I feel is important enough for someone to go out of their way to try to make it better. Maybe I express that in the wrong ways. But in so many aspects I feel that I give more than I recieve. It doesn't take much. Last week a good friend called and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. That made my entire day. If someone asks what is wrong and I say nothing, that in and of itself makes me feel better because they are concerned. If you tell some sort of dumb joke to me like Jon always does, I may not smile, but I know you're trying to cheer me up, and that is great. I truly appreciate it. But sometimes I just feel like if I faded away no one would really notice. If I never called anyone, or put in any effort, I would end up sitting here alone everynight. I hate that thought. I told someone I just wanted to feel like how I felt was a big deal to someone else. They told me that no one's feelings are a big deal to anyone else. But the way other people feel IS a big deal to me. Otherwise I wouldn't have driven over at 2am to give my friend a hug. All I was asking for was one selfless thoughtful act. All I wanted was something to make me say, "Wow, that person didn't have to do that. That was so nice. And they did it just to try to make me feel better. How sweet." For all the times I've done it for other people, I just wanted one. When Kristine ditched me before prom, Erin drove all the way home on three days notice, got her old dress and swallowed some pride to go back to her old high school to go with me. It was way more than I could have ever expected from anyone, and I will always love her for it. Always. That is by far the best thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm not asking for anything that big. Let me tell you the second best thing anyone has done for me. Laura and I were at Mejer in December of 99. We passed a book stand that had "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." I said, "I love that book." Then came christmas, and she gave it to me. It was the fact that she remembered me saying that. It was a Dr. Seuss book, that's it. But she made a mental note. That still makes me smile. All I want is to feel like I'm worth a little effort. That's all I've really ever wanted to feel. Now I feel bad though, like I'm asking for it, so it kind of taints the entire endeavor. I just have been wishing for a long time that someone came to this conclusion on their own. Apart from Laura asking me to go out to dinner last week, I don't remember the last spontanious phone call I've gotten. It would just be nice to feel like somebody cares. That's all.


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