If You Build It, They Will Come.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Joseph's Analysis of Major Sports.

The following are my opinions on sports. The following views expressed are my views and do not express the opinions of Blogger.com, NBC, CBS, ESPN, MTV, the Home Shopping Network... ok, the joke has run stale.

Baseball. Oh my god I hate baseball. Hate it baseball. Hate it. The great American Pastime... shut up. Baseball is retarded. Never ever will the human race create a more boring long ass tired game. Unless ESPN starts showing Chess Tournaments by mail in real time, this is the end all be all of long sports. And as far as I am concerned, this is not a sport, this is a game. And it will never change. Never. You will never see the MLB drop the game to the 6 innings that it only deserves, you will never see them just walk a batter instead of throwing four unhittable pitches. Way overpaid. And by the way, of all the sports out there, including competitive cheer, (which I'll get to later) this is the sport where everyone is juiced up? You wonder why teams are getting dropped? It's not entertaining. Know why? Because even when you have someone like Barry Bonds, someone people go to see knock a few out of the park, what do they do? They walk him. Boring.

Boxing. Remember Godzilla? You know, the little lizard that, due to man's folly and arrogance with a nuclear bomb, turned into a monster that no one could stop. And he came and destroyed the people who made him, by wrecklessly and mindlessly tearing down Tokyo over and over again in an insane fury that the fleeing Japanese could never stop. Yeah, that's Tyson. We made him, and now he's turned against us, and we are powerless to stop him. The thing that I find funny is how people laugh at how stupid he is when he says things like "I wish you had kids so I could break their f*%#ing necks or stomp on their testicles, so you could know the pain I felt." Of course he's stupid, he makes his living getting punched in the head. Boxing as a whole though... I don't know. It's barbaric, it's brutal, often obscene. It's at least $54.95 to watch it. And once you pay the money, and there's a DQ 45 seconds in, and it's over, at least you can watch the riot footage.

Basketball. Almost cool. Almost. The thing that sucks about basketball is all in one word with three letters. "Ego." Shaq, get over yourself. The LA Lakers just three-peated like two hours ago. That's terrific. But I have never seen a group of higher paid, whiny, big-headed jerkwads than the NBA. Know why people like Jordan over Shaq? Humility. Jordan was the best ever. No doubt. But he wasn't full of himself. Which is why everyone loved him. Kobe Bryant, 23, three time NBA champ. Not full of himself. Kobe is cool. See, back when it was Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson, the Celtics/Lakers rivalry... that was completely awesome. There was respect. Now, you guys, for the most part, are dicks. And I personally, don't want to watch you.

By the way, Shaq. I got another word for you. Kazaam, dorkass.

Hockey. My favorite sport. You know why? The exact opposite of basketball. It's no secret, I'm a Wings Fan. But even if I wasn't, you have to look at this team. Look at Colorado too. Detroit's Roster includes Steve Yzerman, Brendan Shannahan, Brett Hull, Dominik Hasek, Luc Robitaille, Sergei Federov, Chris Chelios, Nickalus Lidstrom, not to mention a skilled rookie in Pavel Datsyuk. Notice something about this team? No "I'm better than him" crap. No butting heads. Everyone of those guys listed is going to the Hall of Fame, even Datsyuk, you can tell already. Hockey is fast, it's exciting, it's tense. My opinion, the best one out there.

Competitive Cheer. You're glorified dancers, not athletes. Move on.

Football. Football is cool. Again, big egos sometimes, then there's all the murdering they do off the field. It's exciting though, it's fun. Last years Superbowl was one of the best games I've ever seen. Football is #2 for me.

Soccer. Soccer has potential, though I doubt it will ever catch on in America. It's based on countries, so in Europe it's huge. Spain, France, England, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, they're all right next to each other. The competition between the fans is intense. Who can American fans compete with? Canada? Maybe soccer would be cooler if there were less players. It seems to have no flow to it. Maybe a bigger goal too. I don't think I've ever seen a pro soccer game that didn't end 1-0.

What the hell else....

NASCAR. Rednecks. All of you. Is it a sport to sit down and turn left for three hours? Am I an athlete when I drive to Detroit from KZoo? No. Shut up, y'all.

Indy Car. Less redneck somehow. Not sure how, but it is. Maybe it's because they don't only turn left. In Indy races, there's more turns. Maybe these confuse rednecks, and they are naturally turned away. Still sitting and driving.

Volleyball. I love volleyball. It's not too difficult, but still running in sand back and forth can get tiring. Usually played by hot girls in bikinis. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tennis. Tennis may just be the sport that requires the most conditioning of them all. The court is small, yes, but it takes concentration to play, it takes skill, and if you think about it, you're basically doing windsprints the entire game.

Lacrosse. Cool. Very cool. In fact, I wish I could watch more lacrosse. It's like hockey, but on grass with nets on the sticks, and slashing is legal. Unfortunately, usually played by yuppies. Hey, they gotta do something besides conversing at the country club.

Water Polo. Also very cool. At least I think so. Though I don't think I've ever seen a water polo game (sorry Jen) the concept is quite cool. I would like to see a water polo game.... someday.

Broom Ball. I still hear stories of the legendary Erin Stotts kicking ass and taking names.

Figure Skating. See Competitive Cheer.

That's all for tonight. By the way, I stand corrected. I'm watching the World Cup, and in the 12th minute, it's 2-0 Brazil over Costa Rica. Know what I do like about soccer though? The clock never stops. The Brazilian goalie was just laying there for a bit, the trainers were out, and the game went on. That's kind of cool. Better than the NBA, where the last 30 seconds of a tie game lasts around 10-15 minutes.

Peace out.


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