If You Build It, They Will Come.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

On yet another note... I have now seen every available View Askew movie. I'll probably leave this post on here temporarily, as it could be the first thing I post at Ellicit Behavior. Here are my short reviews (it is 3:30am) of all seven and a half View Askew ventures.

Clerks: If you've ever worked in retail or any customer service postion, you absolutely love this movie. All black and white, all low budget, and for the most part, all shot in the Quick Stop in Leonardo, New Jersey. Starring Brian O' Halloran and Jeff Anderson as Dante and Randall, two kids running a convienence store who have to deal with surprisingly deep issues reminding those who don't realize it that people behind the counter are people too. Unfortunately, some of the customers at Babbages have never seen Clerks.

Best quote: "Ya know there's a million fine looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

Mallrats Starring then unknowns Ben Affleck and Jason Lee, along with Jeremy London and the love of my life, Claire Forlani, this may have been the dumbest of the VA flicks. Which is not to say it wasn't good, au contraire, I love this movie, but Miss Ivana the three nippled topless psychic...? Kevin Smith was stoned out of his pants. The movie did cameo Stan Lee, which was cool, and introduced us to Walt and Steve-Dave. And of course, Walt Flannigans dog. Basically, Lee and London are dumped and they go to the mall, hi-jinks ensue, and everything gets resolved. If you want to see something cool though, get it on DVD and check out the deleted stuff, the movie was supposed to be completely different.

Best quote: "That's criminal! That kid is back on the escalator again!"

Drawing Flies: Another B&W, but this one wasn't written or directed by Kevin Smith. Though it had Renee Humphrey, Jason Lee, Scott Mosier, Joey Adams, Ethan Suplee, Kevin Smith as Silent Bob, and Jay Mewes as a character named "Az" but just as well could've been called Jay, it lacked.... something. It actually looked like something I could've written and directed. Which isn't to say it was bad, it was just very freshman. Five kids (Lee, Mewes, Humphrey, Friend 4 and Friend 5) all live in British Columbia. They are all on welfare, until one day they're not. They then decide to go camping. Lee becomes obsessed with Bigfoot, and in a Blair Witch-esque, kids lost in the woods, looking for a legendary creature way, the film wanders aimlessly until Mewes breaks his leg and he and friend 5 have to leave. Friend 4 and Humphrey follow shortly thereafter as Lee is now Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters obsessed, and the film ends quite predictably. But honestly, it's really not all that bad.

Best quote: "Look at you. You bitch. You faggy bitch. What's the matter you fag? Bitch fag..." (Said the way only Jay Mewes can.)

Chasing Amy: Great movie. Very powerful. Affleck is a comic book artist, and he falls in love with a lesbian. Of all the VA movies, this was, until yesterday, the hardest one for me to watch, because it isn't really a comedy, it's quite serious and dramatic, and really in the star-cross'd lovers type of way, a deep tragedy. Some of the best acting Affleck and Joey Adams I think have ever done.

Best quote: "And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. "

Dogma: This is in my humble opinion, one of the best movies ever made. Minus the actor that played Bethany, everything in this movie was excellent. It had scores of people, from VA alumni Jay Mewes, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Walt and Steve-Dave, to new faces Chris Rock, Alan Rickman, Selma Hyeck, and the incredibly Canadian Alanis Morrissette. This movie came out to a huge protest by the Catholic Church and Bill Donohue. The best thing I've ever heard is that most of them never even saw the movie. Most of them didn't even know what they were protesting. So much so that Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier snuck in to a protest group outside a theater and actually got news air time protesting their own movie. None of the protesters knew who they were, they thought they were just more uppity, ignorant, holier-than-thou Catholics protesting an evil, evil movie. Bethany is a decendant of Christ, (one of his brothers or sisters, of whom I've heard are actually mentioned in the Bible) who has to stop two banished angels (Affleck and Damon) from getting to New Jersey and back into heaven, and thus erasing all of existance. The movie hits on all the flaws of organized religion, and really relays quite a positive message. But you ignorant protesters had to go and be all dumb...

Best quote: "Mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.... I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier."

Clerks: The Animated Series. Two episodes. Only two got on stupid ABC. They released six total on VHS and DVD. The animated series is only a half a production, in that they had the ideas for like four more episodes that never got done. Basically it was Dante and Randall again, only this time in cartoon color. The show spoofed Looney Tunes, the Matrix, Temple of Doom, Outbreak, it was really funny. ABC didn't get it.

Best quote: "Coach Dante, this bottle has a message in it." "Then throw it out!!"

"Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Again, a plethera of talent including Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, James Van Der Beek, Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Sean William Scott, Will Ferrell, Jon Stewart, Jason Lee (as his characters from Mallrats, and Amy), Ben Affleck (as his character from Amy, and as himself), Matt Damon, George Carlin, Judd Nelson, Walt and Steve-Dave again, Chris Rock, Jamie Kennedy, cameos by Joey Adams, Renee Humphrey, Scott Mosier and Morris Day and the Time to name a few. Jay and Silent Bob go to Hollywood to stop a movie about the comic book they are the basis for. Hi-Jinks. The end. Good movie, but dumb again, like Mallrats. Not intellegent like Dogma. But still very good. Good.

Best quote: "Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms."

Vulgar: Recently I've discovered how to say a movie was really good, but I didn't like it. I learned this after watching Vulgar. Let's just say I was unprepared for Vulgar. The movie is based on the clown at the beginning of Clerks. It was really good, in that if I watched it knowing what it was about, I'd probably.... no, ok, if I was in the right mood, Vulgar would be good, but yet not. Okay, I really can't explain this well. Think of Justin Timberlake. He's a great dancer, but I don't like him. Sort of like that, except on the other end of the spectrum from bubblegum pop. Vulgar was disturbing to put it nicely. Ok, remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where the rednecks are raping Marsellus Wallace, and you catch a quick glimpse of it in the background that makes you kind of cringe? Take that quick glimpse, add a third redneck, stretch it out about four or five minutes longer, make it the main focus, and then instead of Ving Rhames, get a clown in fishnet stockings, and you've basically got the scene from Vulgar. This movie had no Jay and Silent Bob, and was not written by Kevin Smith. It was actually written, directed and starred Brian O' Halloran (Dante from Clerks). Vulgar is not by any stretch of the imagination a comedy. It was about a clown who couldn't make ends meet, was beat up, attacked and raped by three guys, and then saved a girls life, and gets famous. Then apparently the three guys taped the whole incedent, and threatened to go public with it. I guess I still can't decide if liked it or not. It did have Jay Mewes as a guy that we might as well call "Jay," Keven Smith sans beard as the agent that signs Flappy the Clown, Ethan Suplee as one of the three guys (a father and two sons) and Steve-Dave as Flappy's best friend. If you see this movie, be prepared for it, I'm warning you.

Best quote: "F*ck you!!" (You gotta see it to understand I guess)

So there you have it. It's 4:30am. I open tomorrow. What the hell am I doing??

G'night Y'all.


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