If You Build It, They Will Come.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Something has gone terribly wrong.

Did I call it or what. I have friends that rely on me to relieve them of their stress tomorrow. I could be anybody. Other than that, I see no reason for me to get out of bed in the morning. I have no direction, I am going nowhere. I should go somewhere else, but it's not worth it. I've already been there. Everywhere it's all the same. I bounce around aimlessly, pointlessly until I finally sink into the muck on the bottom. It's hopeless. All of it. I have seen the rest of my life, I live it everyday. The same thing all the time. What's the point? I am worthless, one in six billion, to the whole I am nothing.

Someone did a tarot card reading of me tonight, and while it has nothing to do with why I feel this way, I found it fitting. Before, I was confused, and now I am seeking direction. The future is of course filled with struggle. And while I don't buy tarot cards done by some drunk girl at a halloween party, it did make me realize something. I'm not up for more struggle. My whole life has been struggles that never end up falling in my favor. All I know of struggle is that they are hard, they are long and painful, and at the end they hurt even more. But worse, they are inevitable. I'm worn out. I can't do this anymore. You can only lose so many times before you don't want to play anymore.

I've hit that limit. I don't want to play anymore.


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