If You Build It, They Will Come.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

9:43pm

I have so much I need to do, and I'm ready to do all of it, but now it's 9:43pm and I can't do anything. I can't go to the post office, I can't sell my nintendo, I can't do anything.

I'm in such a funk right now. I should have never moved back to Kalamazoo. It was a stupid choice to make. I forgot why it was that I left in the first place. I thought that maybe this place would be better now. I was wrong.

I've been here for a month and a half, and haven't found a job. Granted, I didn't start looking right away, I gave myself about a week and a half before I filled out my first application. All the jobs I wanted were dependent on my reel, and my reel was lost when I lost my hard drive so I had to redo that. So I've just now turned it in to all the places that would take it.

Jamie Flynn quit her job, and now I may not have a place to live. I was pretty sure I wanted to pack everything up and move to Denver, but I don't have the money to move to Denver. I can find a place to crash here if need be, I'm sure, at least until I get my own place. I might not even have to move out of here.

I really want to go to Denver though. It's such a better environment. Much more indy film, much more job opportunities.

I'm afraid of getting stuck in Kalamazoo. I'm afraid that the only job I'll ever land here is the one that I can barely survive on, and I'll never be able to afford to leave.

I already feel stuck. I've got intense writer's block, and no job.

Why am I falling apart all of a sudden? I busted my ass through school. Now I just feel like I'm collapsing.

I'm so frustrated. I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying to focus on what's important, and getting through that.

I'm either staying in Kalamazoo, or moving to Denver, or moving back in with mom and dad until I figure out just what the hell my next step is.

I think overall, I need to breathe. I think I'm just getting overwhelmed. I generally don't get overwhelmed.

I think I'm starting to lose my cool.

I'm not going to get trapped in Kalamazoo. That won't happen.

I just feel like I've not been able to get started, to get going.

Tomorrow is monday. Maybe I'll get a call from Absolute Video, and find out that I can keep my room. Then I'll be all set. At any rate, I think I just need to calm down. I'm convinced that stressing out does nothing but complicate a situation, and therefore is completely useless. By freaking out a little, I'm not doing anything but making it worse. Usually that's enough to chill me out.

It's not working tonight.

What the freaking crap is going on... in my life.

-j

3 Comments:

  • Why don't you make a movie about this?

    By Blogger Jack, at Mon Aug 01, 09:47:00 AM EDT  

  • It'd be harder to follow than Mullholland Drive. Hell, I'm living it, and I don't even understand what's going on.

    By Blogger Joseph, at Mon Aug 01, 12:51:00 PM EDT  

  • Adaptation meets High Fidelity

    make a movie about wanting to make a movie and not being able to think of the perfect idea. There are both sensational and boring events in your life that lead you to make a film about making a film. That's the perfect idea.

    During the film, you go through this emotional struggle. The "perfect idea" is a story line that masks the underlying disbelief that you, as a person in general, can dramatically change while your physical, social, political (etc) setting remains the same. That notion is what is causing you writer's block. However, that same notion also causes you inspiration.

    I hope that wasn't too confusing.

    By Blogger Jack, at Mon Aug 01, 01:56:00 PM EDT  

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