If You Build It, They Will Come.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Secret of the Uwe

Uwe Boll. Where to begin.

Uwe Boll (pronounced U-E-Bowl) is a german movie director, responsible for such movies as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. He's also someone that Nopa and I have talked a bit about recently. Jon posted a link on his site which goes to a videogame lovers site asking the public to help stop Uwe Boll from making more movies. (The rights that Dr. Uwe Boll gets are to videogames, which he then turns into bad films.) And I, like the hero that I am, am riding in, white stallion and all, to come to Boll's aid.

WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS MAY BE A VERY DORKY POST. CONTINUE READING AT YOUR OWN RISK.

First of all, the people at Loading Ready Run are the last people who should criticize someone for making terrible movies. I digress.

So far, Boll has done two videogame films. Both were bad. I don't disagree with that. (However, as I said and was mentioned in that video, House of the Dead did make it's money back, meaning every copy sold from that point on is a profit.) I'm sure none of the future videogame movies he makes will be that spectacular either.

I'd like to point out though that he isn't the only director to have attempted the videogame movie. He likewise, is not the only director to fail. In fact, when was the last good videogame movie? Can you think of one? I can wait....

No? Me either.

Sure House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark sucked. So did Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider 2, Resident Evil, Resident Evil 2, Wing Commander, Alien Vs. Predator, and Super Mario Bros., and so probably will Doom and Silent Hill.

The best "videogame" movie I can think of was Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, which doesn't count. It doesn't count because the only thing relating it to a videogame was the title. If I took The Great Outdoors with Dan Akroyd and John Candy and named it "Tetris" it wouldn't be a videogame movie either.

Uwe Boll fills a niche. He makes bad movies that you don't really have to think about. Is he the only director guilty of this? Two words: Rob Cohen. Director of such turdy films as xXx, The Skulls, Stealth, and The Fast and the Furious.

The same can be said of Kevin Smith. Don't get me wrong, I really like Smith and his films, but that's not an opinion shared by everyone. There are people out there who hate Smith's work and would love to get a petition going to ban him from directing as well. My directing teacher at NYFA, for example, would be the first person on that list.

Not to make it personal, but I'd be the first guy on the ban Aaron Sorkin list. I think he's a terrible writer. But Jon doesn't. The guy has fans. Who am I to take that away?

All this is really trivial, and I'm making a point through Uwe Boll. Personally, I think he's a terrible director. But instead of trying to take him down, I just chose to not watch his movies. (Which isn't true really because I've seen Alone in the Dark, and I own House of the Dead.) People get way too pissed off about this stuff. Is Uwe Boll ruining videogame movies? No, they've always sucked.

What it boils down to is there are videogame fanboys who spent countless hours playing Bloodrayne and Hunter: The Reckoning in their parents basement, and think that they would make awesome movies, and then they get turned into movies and they suck, and then they get all pissed off at the director. House of the Dead, the videogame, was a game where you walk around and shoot zombies and bats with a gun. Super Mario Bros, the videogame is about two plumber brothers who run around for 32 levels and break block with their head, Tomb Raider is about a big breasted woman who jumps around in caves picking up treasures and fighting with bears, Doom the videogame is a game where you shoot demons with rocket launchers. There's barely enough plot in them to make a commercial, let alone a 100 minute film.

Resident Evil could've made a good movie, because the videogame had a great story. But the only reason the story seemed so long was because it took you forever to run from room to room killing zombies to get the next part. If the movie started out with Jill Valentine running into the mansion with Wesker and the other dude, and then they were like scared, and then it was 45 minutes of her running from room to room, not speaking, shooting zombies, and collecting ammo and green herbs until she finally finds The Sword Key so she can unlock a door and run around some more until we see a five minute clip of the story advancing, then she runs around for 45 more minutes, it would've been terrible.

Story gaps need to be filled, which is why they add so many more plot elements that weren't in the game, which angers fanboys, and usually isn't any good because no respectable writer will go near the failure ridden videogame movie genre.

These fanboys are the same people who get mad at the tiny details that are wrong in comic book movies.

People need to relax, and realize that just because the Space Invaders movie sucks it's not the end of the world. People's heads need not roll, people need not be fired, nor castrated, nor done any bodily harm whatsoever.

Uwe Boll is not a good director. Neither is Rob Cohen. Neither is the guy who made Blood Gnome. If you don't like Uwe Boll movies, don't go see them.

Personally, I like House of the Dead. Not because it's good, but because it's so bad. I want Uwe Boll to keep making movies. I enjoy them. I'll see Bloodrayne in the theater. I'm sure it'll be god-awful. But it'll be fun. Plus it's got Michael Madsen in it. Here's the plot outline from IMDb: "In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother's rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires." How can you go wrong with that?

Didn't the videogame take place in Nazi Germany? The fanboys are gonna be PISSED!

-j

6 Comments:

  • I agree with you mostly. If you wanted to watch a real video game movie you could just watch someone play a game. Wing Commander was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen at the theater. House of the Deads DVD menu was even funny. But(fanboy alert) it still erks me a little when I see stuff that realy would be much better left alone dumbed down for a wider audience thats not going to go to these movies anyway. I guess that goes for alot more than just video game movies. Then again maybe thats why Final Fantasy did so bad...

    By Blogger John, at Mon Oct 03, 03:32:00 AM EDT  

  • Oh did you see the Lions game today? Does anyone else hate how calls are only important at the end of the game? Im not saying this just because our team got screwed this time, when its the other way I still think its pretty lame. It just takes alot of flow and spontaniousness(probibly not a word) out of the game in my opinion.

    By Blogger John, at Mon Oct 03, 03:42:00 AM EDT  

  • Agreed, and agreed. I still think he was in-bounds, but whatever. That was a wonderful last chance, 4th down, 6 seconds left throw by Joey Harrington, wasn't it? Like ten feet out of bounds? He should've just taken a knee.

    By Blogger Joseph, at Mon Oct 03, 05:13:00 AM EDT  

  • ...and the word is spontaneity.

    By Blogger Joseph, at Mon Oct 03, 06:42:00 PM EDT  

  • Although I just looked it up, and "spontaneousness" is a word too.

    By Blogger Joseph, at Mon Oct 03, 06:44:00 PM EDT  

  • wolverine is too freakin tall! that is unforgivable!



    DERRRRRRR

    By Blogger M R C, at Mon Oct 03, 09:04:00 PM EDT  

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