Superman Represents.

I'm kind of excited about the new Superman movie coming out next wednesday, and I've been really getting into Smallville in the last couple weeks. So I looked around online to see if critics are liking the new movie (which they are) and I've come across all of these articles about Superman being gay, or Superman being Jesus. Religious groups are claiming Clark Kent represents Jesus Christ, because he is a man sent to earth from the sky by his father to save mankind. Gay groups are claiming that Superman represents gays because he is a man who is forced to live a double life, one that is his public persona, acceptable to the world, and the real him that he keeps hidden away from society.

Rather than point out how completely lame and stupid this is, Jon and I decided that we could find out more groups that Kal-El represents.

Readers of my blog, kneel before Zod.

Latinos. Just as Superman was forced to cross the universe to get to America, Mexicans have to cross the border. The blue suit obviously represents the Rio Grande.

Inner City Youth. Lex Luthor, the big head of Luthor Corp, an old, angry, bald white man tries to keep Superman down. Lex is the Man. Superman is forced to represent Krypton, and smack his honky ass around a bit.

PETA. Both stand up for the weaker creatures on earth.

The NRA. Neither are opposed to bullets. Both claim to protect through threat of violence. Both claim to stand for the "American Way."

The RIAA. Both have more power than they should. Both hate pirates.

Clowns. Both dress ridiculously to please the people selflessly.

Greenpeace. A superhero that fights the head of a major evil corporation (LuthorCorp.) with violence when necessary.

The Tobacco Industry. Both multifaceted (Phillip Morris also owns Kraft Foods) both living a double life. Also, both were started on a farm.

The Fast Food Industry. Both are really fast. Also, both fast food and Superman can serve as a crutch to society, offering them easy solutions to problems that could be solved with a little of their own effort. Getting a cat out of a tree, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

Keith Richards. Both men are seemingly indestructible.

The Green Party / Ralph Nader. While Superman fights a war against evil, a war that cannot possibly be won, Nader fights a battle to win the White House, another insurmountable feat. Also, both are unsafe at any speed.

Eskimos. Is it any wonder that the Fortress of Solitude lies in the arctic?

The FFA. The Future Farmers of America come from Kansas, are niave to the world, they grew up on a farm, and had their first sexual exprience with a sheep.

Young Republicans. See Above.

Paris Hilton. Both are youth with more gifts than they can handle. Both have a father named Jor-El... I think.

Saddham Hussein. Both Superman and Saddham are powerful men, who use their power until a crusty old white man (Luthor/Bush) interferes. Both have shirts sporting a large 'S'.

Shaquille O'Neal. C'mon, Shaq even HAS a Superman symbol permanently scarred into his flesh. An amazing athlete who can win championships, set records for rebounds, but that freethrow line is his own personal Kryptonite.

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. A child is born to fantastical parents who take her away from a harsh world of paparazzi and reporters to be born in a far away land. Kal-El is born to fantastical parents who send him to another world to grow up. Also I'm pretty sure that Shiloh can fly.

Men Against Pornography Both are entirely made up.


Anything I forgot? Leave a comment.

-j