Here we go again. It's the end of the semester and grades have just been released. I've once again put myself in this position waiting for the fire to reign down. This was my fault. No one else. I'm not blaming anything for my terrible performance this semester but myself. I had problems with school this semester. I missed a bio lab test in november because I was three minutes late to class and they started without me, and wouldn't let me in. I couldn't find a place to park before class and ended up having to park way further away than I did every other time, and then having to run to class. I still missed it. That would've easily put me over in my bio lab, seeing as we have three tests. That is it though. That's the only one I can point to one moment that turned it all around. I gave up this semester. I just didn't care. I don't really know why, but I knew then and now that I should've cared. I just couldn't get into it. I hated school. I thought to myself, I'm busting my ass for a career that I am going to hate. I thought this would be something I would eventually become passionate about, but it hasn't gone that way. I've been faking it. To my parents and to my family to my friends and to myself. I have been studying psychology for 3 years now, all the while hoping eventually this would catch on to me. I mean hell, I love people, and helping people, and kids, and giving advice. It was one aspect of life that I truly felt passionate about. Then I got into it. At WMU the only psychology you learn is behavioral, not clinical. There is a big difference. Behavioral psychology has nothing to do with schizophrenia, or any actual mental disorders whatsoever. It's more based on contingencies. Prompt yields behavior yields consequence. Then suddenly it occured to me this semester that I've spent three years learning to train a dog. Say fetch yields dog fetching, yields treat. That is what I have learned. Of course this can be put to use in humans too. Say stop yields child stopping yields saying thank you. This is practical only with people with low brain fuctions. Children with autism, dogs, infants, etc. This is not practical for real people. These realizations have been coming to me slowly, and I realized that all I'm going to do for the next 30 years of my life is sit in a booth with a child saying "Put same with same... good job putting same with same. Put same with same... stop... this is putting same with same." This is where my psychology has taken me. And I've tried to keep interest in it. I've tried so hard to say, "It's school, this is the sucky part. When you get out there, that's when you'll feel good about it again." For the last two years, I've been saying I want to work with children with autism. This semester I did. This semester I learned that it isn't what I want. But I faked it anyway. I faked it because I hate being this far and still not knowing where I'm headed. I hate for my parents to think that too. So I said that I can get a job in California, straight out of school, to work with autistic kids. I can. This is very true, and very possible. The truth is I want to work in film. I want to write screenplays, I want to direct, I want to be creative. There isn't a stable market for creativity. So California, namely Los Angeles is where I wanted to go to work in schools for autistic kids. That way, I'd have a stable job, while working for what I really wanted in life on the side. That was my plan. Get to LA, find a stable job so I don't fall under the starving artist category, and work for my dream, what I really want in life. I am still a psychology major, now with a declared creative writing minor. I'm writing a screenplay now. I'm working with a few friends, one who is studying film, to develop this. It's going ahead well. I'm a ways into it, and I like it so far. But I can't get there like this. They won't take me in LA if I get grades like I got this semester. I've said this to myself, and to my parents and family numerous times. But this time I am serious. I'm not just saying this to make anyone feel better. I'm not lying. I am being held to this. Next semester, I am four pointing. I know I can do it. I'm going to take out a student loan to pay for school, and I am going to four point every class. It seems I say this at the end of every semester, but somewhere along the line, I lose sight because I find something, a flaw, which dismantles my entire theory on school. It can be as easy as the teacher making us learn a fact that is obviously false propaganda, that makes me question everything I've learned. This time, I have a goal. This time I'm not looking at this coming semester and being part of the whole college experience, I'm not looking at it as just another step. I'm changing my paradigm. This time it is the only step. This time it's all a test. It's all a game. My game ends in April. The score is tallied up then, not at graduation. If I learn a false fact, it will not dishearten me this time. It's a rule. And in this game, there may be stupid rules, like four pitches to walk a batter. But if you want to play the game, you have to play by the rules, no matter how stupid they may seem. God, even in writing this I'm getting fired up. This is for me. For as long as I can remember, my grades have been for my parents. I'm proving this to myself. I can four point, and I'm going to prove it. I've never done it before, as far as I know, in my life. But I've always in the back of my mind, known I could. Now, I'm going to prove it. To me, to my dad, to my mom, to my family and to everyone. This was it. This is my wake up call. This is my instant, dad, where it all hits me. This is what you were talking about. I know what you were talking about. I can do this, I can take care of myself for myself. I can put in this effort to do it. I will put in this effort to do it. I'm done floating, I'm done sitting on the fence being pampered. I have the will now to do this for me. I have the will to make a good life for myself. To work for myself. To strive to make the best life for me that I can have. I'm done just hoping things wil work out for the best. I'm ready to make them work out for the best. And now that I've gotten going, just watch me.