If You Build It, They Will Come.

Thursday, March 28, 2002

Pardigm Shift.

Everytime I discover something new about life, it makes me believe that life is that much worse. Let me not say life, let me say reality. Life implies "my life." My life is alright.

I need air, but air is outside.
I need water, but water is downstairs.
I need sunlight, but sunlight is behind the clouds.

If it's a test, I'll pass.
If it's a trial, I'll get to the end.
If it's reality, I'm tired of it all already.

So much of life is dependent on the flip of a coin. I watched Ed last night, this idea was the main theme of last nights show. You can work really hard and get nowhere. You can sit on your couch and become famous. Born rich, born poor, born short, born tall. I feel that if there is such a thing as fate, it's kicked my ass for long enough. I'm tired of hero's trials. I'm tired of rationalizing everything as a hero's trial. I remember being happy. I remember putting my trust and faith into something larger than myself. I remember honestly believing it too. I could do it again, I know I could. I'm just stung. I'm just apprehensive. Maybe it's time.

I know what you think I'm talking about. I assure you you're wrong. Something larger than myself is not love. That's a very small part of it. I can't describe what it is. Comfort? Maybe. I don't need anyone else to be happy. That is very far from what I believe, no matter how much you don't believe me. I used to think that. I long time ago. But it should be apparent now that I don't think that. If you don't believe me, read scene 12.5 in my screenplay. I created Steve for that scene. I've believed that for a long time.

Do I have to low of an opinion of myself? Maybe. See, I don't need other people to be happy, but other people can bring me down really fast. Our whole argument last night over who had it easier whilst meeting people, guys or girls, spawned from personal experience. I showed you guys. I talked to the girl at the table. I got three words out of her before she turned away from me. Meanwhile I know if a girl came up and talked to me out of nowhere, I would do my best to keep it going. It would be my lucky day, as it would for a lot of guys. You said you didn't want to talk to guys because you'd be afraid of leading them on. I tried to prove my point on that statement, but I couldn't say it right last night. So here it is. Of course you'd be afraid of leading them on, leading them on implies they're interested in you. You know that before even going over there. We aren't concerned with leading on the girls, we're concerned about being embarrassingly ignored or blown off. I've seen the way you react to random people talking to you. I've heard you say "oh my god what a freak." I remember thinking what he said to you wasn't all that freaky. (You meaning girls, not a specific girl.)

When a girl randomly talks to a guy, the first thing that goes through our mind is: "Wow, this girl wants to talk to me, this must be my lucky day, because I didn't even do anything. I'm going to go play the lotto when I leave. I am king!"

When a guy randomly talks to a girl, the first thing that goes though her mind is: "He might be nice, but he might also be a pervert rapist. Watch my drink, make sure he doesn't slip anything in it. Look around to find a potential guy who is my "boyfriend" and when he gets done talking.... wait a minute... I've seen this guy... he works at the video game store in the mall... this conversation is over."

Ok slight exaggerations. But ask any of us nice guys who aren't GQ, and guess what, we'll all tell you the same thing. You have some kind of blinders on when it comes to us. Jon was right. As far as looks go, guys want to date a 7, 8, 9 or 10. Girls will not date a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. And I'm a 5. Nina told me so.

I should explain that. I'm not saying girls are all shallow, it's just they don't give us on the lower end of the spectrum a fair shot at first. My friend Nina is like, majorly hot. I'd give her a 9.5. She's dating my suitemate for life Chris Szyzgiel, who on looks alone get maybe a 6 on a good day. She is so in love with him. But they knew each other before they started dating for like a year and a half. See, Chris is an awesome guy, but is not the kind of guy a girl would see unless he bumped into her. Then she would look around confused and feel for the invisible wall she just hit. Nina, BA, and I were at Wayside last September. We asked her what she'd rate us on a scale of 1-10. (This scale is being overused, sorry.) She gave BA an 8 and me a 5. It really was no surprise. BUT she said that was based on looks alone, just seeing us for the first time. She said because she knows me, she'd give me an 8. (Humorusly, because she knows BA, he dropped to a 7.5). See, and I love that. I have a lot of confidence in myself in that manner. I know I'm a good guy. I really don't sell myself short. It's just, the first thing that girls see is that I'm a 5. Once I get to know you... I'm an 8. But if I get blown off after three words, you never get to know me. Laura and I dated five months after we met. Erin knew of me for a few years before she expressed an interest in me. Jackie knew me for a while before we dated. No one likes me right off the bat. But that's a very tight filter to squeeze through, because not that many girls get to know me. Once you do, I'm a sweetheart. :)

But like I said, I don't need anyone else to make me happy. This was just a side note to last night's conversation. It's just tiring to see girls you want hook up with other guys. Like everyday at Babbages. We see a girl come into the store every few days. And we're like, "Wow, she's cute." Then one of two things happen. Her boyfrined comes up from behind her and she asks if they can leave, or two this scenario or some reasonable facsimile thereof: February 13, 2002, John Aitken and I are working. This girl, skinny, 5'10", gorgeous body, beautiful face, stunning eyes, comes into the store. Somewhere in the background I think a choir of angels starting singing. She walks up to the counter and I'm standing on the side. She looks at me and says, "Escuse me, do you verk here?" ACCENT! She has a beautiful voice and an accent! My misspelling of the words do not do it justice. "Yes," I manage to say. "I vant to buy a Playstation 2 and Gran Turismo and Devil May Cry." My jaw dropped. This girl was awesome! A sweet system, and two kick ass games. She was so hot, and she was about to spend over $400 dollars on vidoe games. Nothing is cooler than a girl who plays video games. (I wasn't kidding, Laura, I never wanted you more than the time we spent $9 playing CarnEvil in the Berhard Center.) So we ask if she needs anything else. "I don't know, vhat would you vant? It's for my boyfriend for Valentines Day." People, I've never wanted to die like I did that day. Not only was this girl visually stunning, she had the accent, and she dumped over $400 on her boyfriend, not for his birthday, not for christmas, for VALENTINE'S DAY!! If I spend $30 on Valentines Day, I feel pretty good about myself. I cried, I was inconsolable for the next hour or so. And you know her boyfriend was probably a dick too.

So hey, a memo to all the hottie girls out there. If you want a good realtionship, take off those blinders. There are a lot more guys in the room. And hey, we may not be GQ, but we're really up there when you talk to us. For the Five and Under Club, this is Joe Parcell.... goodnight. And goodnight Foriegn Hottie PS2 Girl... where ever you are....


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