If You Build It, They Will Come.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

I can't help thinking of a fish market tonight.

On a completely different topic, I feel strange. I was telling TW all about this feeling, and it still hasn't gone away. But I think I figured out what it is. Acceptance. Have you ever seen Natural Born Killers? In the final scene when Mickey and Mallory are about to kill Wayne, and he runs away before he realizes he can't escape. So he comes back and says, "Alright, let's just get it over with." Acceptance. It's definately a new feeling. It's hopeless for a while. And I think that's what I've accepted. It would usually bug the living hell out of me, but last night I just didn't seem to care, leaving me with a very uneasy feeling. It's like getting extremely drunk and twisting your ankle. You look at it swollen and blue, and you think to yourself, "God that really should hurt... but right now it doesn't." Because usually it hurts like hell. I feel like I heard the shot, and am waiting for the bullet, but at this point the bullet hasn't hit, and it really should have by now, making me wonder if it ever will. I mean if it was going to hit, it would've hit by now. The whole experience leaves me very very confused. I mean I feel lucky that the bullet never hit, but I also feel like I shouldn't celebrate my luck just yet, because something very bizarre is going on. I can't analyze my own emotions without a distraction that I'm not sure I'm consciously causing. It's like my thoughts avoid me like those little eye fuzzies that move out of sight the moment you try to look at them. I honestly don't know what I feel right now. And after repeated attempts today to actually figure it out, I'm still nowhere.

On another note; my address next month will be 1530 Kickapoo Kourt. Yes, Kickapoo. Kick a poo. And yes Kourt with a K. When I tell people I live on Kickapoo Kourt in Kalamazoo, they're going to make me spend the night in the drunk tank.


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