If You Build It, They Will Come.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Movie Pitches, bitches!

Holy crap, that's brilliant. Thanks Lola. I'm going to send this link to everyone in class.

Get this pitch. We had a guy in class named Chris. He pitched his thesis to us, it went like this.

"It is the days of the ancient future. The age of steel. The queen has not produced an heir. A young knight takes her from the castle, to avoid her execution. The king sends three hunter killers after them."

Now it should be mentioned that I am paraphrasing. Originally the setup included fallen structures and dogs roaming the streets where the rotting corpses lie, or some other crap. Everything I quoted was actually said, but there's stuff I left out, because I forgot how it went. It should also be noted that that is all he had.

So we workshoped the premise a little. Someone asked, "So is it supposed to be like The Princess Bride?" He was almost insulted.

"No," he responded, "There isn't going to be any love story between the two."

"So, why is he saving her?" asked someone else.

"Because he's a noble and loyal kinght to the kingdom." replied Chris.

"But if he was loyal to the kingdom, why not be loyal to the king?" asked the writing instructor.

At this point, Chris sighed heavily as if he were stuck in a room filled with people all too stupid to comprehend his brilliant opus. For you to get this properly, you must understand a little about Chris. Chris was a very loose cannon. He'd come to class sometimes quite coked up. His eight week film was nothing more than some shots of the Day of the Dead parade in LA, and him making out with a girl at the beach. The girl was an actress at NYFA, and he cast himself, which we all found to be a little sketchy, as the movie had basically no point. One time he flipped out at his crew for not helping him produce his semester final. He wigged out saying that it's impossible to produce a film with the short time we had and no help. However, as all of us were a little too frightened to bring up, everyone else in the class had done it. His original semester one pitch consisted of him and his dog in his apartment. No casting needed, no location scouting needed. Just a script.

"So," asked the writing instructor, "do they get away and live happily ever after?"

"Not at all," replied Chris, "The hunter killers catch up to them, and kill the knight, and all take turns raping the queen before beheading her. I want it to be really dark."

"Ok," said the instructor, slightly less befuddled than the rest of us, "There's a producability issue, you're going to need to get gruff looking actors for the Hunter Killers."

"It won't be a problem, I'm casting myself." said Chris.

It was at this point that I realized that Chris was simply using the guise of "director" to get his rocks off, and I came to the conclusion I didn't really want to work with Chris ever again. And I didn't have to, as he was expelled for bringing a live gun to set.

So in conclusion kids, as I know at least two of my readers are actresses, some directors are good, some directors are respectful, some directors are coke headed sex criminals. Rule one, never audition at someone's house, rule two, always be weary of a project in which you are the love interest of the main character played by the writer and director. They aren't always bad, sometimes they're really good. But if it's just a violent sex scene after a violent sex scene, then a breakfast scene followed by a violent sex scene, you're either in a porno, or you're dealing with a pervert who just wants to get some "action."

No pun intended.

-j

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