If You Build It, They Will Come.

Friday, November 30, 2001

Brace yourselves, I've posted again.

I have this other friend named Jen. She is the roommate of my crack whore girlfriend, and is now an official crack whore herself. These are terms of endearment though. Anyway, she wrote something recently on her blog about a relationship where the love is unbalanced.

She said, "My great-grandma once told me that in any relationship one person is going to love the other more, don't let it be you. I didn't have a clue what she was talking about then but I get it now. I heeded her advice, I'm in a relationship where although I love the guy with all of my heart and would do anything for him, I think he loves me more. I think this is worse then being on the other side of the stick, I would rather love him more because then I would know I was not hurting him."

If your quote from your grandmother is taken correctly, she's telling you not to be the one to love him more. And I have to tell you I agree with her totally. An unbalanced relationship is hard, either way, but it's MUCH harder when you feel more strongly than the other person. It's a noble thing, what you said, Jen. That you want to know you aren't hurting him. But I gotta say, if that thought passes through your mind, then you are really well off. If you are worried about him and how he feels, then it's alright, you more than likely aren't hurting him. What your grandmother was probably saying, because I've gone through this a few times, is that it is hell to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I can verify. It is.

But you are concerned. You care. You said you love him too. So you aren't stupid, you aren't messing up.

But now onto something else. I've decided to change the opera thing. I couldn't decide on how I wanted it to end, so I'm making a second version. The first I'll call the Lover Version. This is the one below. The second I'm calling the Stalker Version. This one is so much more dark. It starts off the same, except "Doubt" is moved into the first act. The song for "Heartbreak is changed to a more desperate song and begins the second act. Also "Insanity" is only in the Stalker Version, and the song is replaced in the lover version by "Dementia" which is a lighter song, but still has Pit killing Maru. For the Stalker Version, the songs for "Lucidity" and "Lament" are replaced with new songs called "Blame" and "Explanation."

In this version, Pit and Maru break up at the beginning of the first act. The second act is to take place three years later. Pit is still heartbroken and depressed about Maru. Pit in this version is basically insane from the beginning. The Stalker Version is more like inside the head of a lunatic. Pit has all these fantasies about Maru, even though he hasn't seen her in three years. He finds out where she lives and drives by a lot. She never notices him. He breaks into her apartment while she's gone (to "Obsession"). Then one day she sees him on the street somewhere. She comes up and says hello. They talk for less than a minute, and all his feelings rush back. Talking to her brings everything back and he just kind of loses it from there on. She has a different boyfriend, and Pit is convinced that Maru is supposed to be his. The song for "Rage" isn't an argument between them now, its Pit sitting in his car outside looking up at her window while her and her new guy are together. Then comes "Insanity," he waits until the new guy leaves and bursts in on her, kidnapps her, and kills her. He really feels numb to what he's done. He believes that all the pain he's felt for three years was her fault. ("Blame"). The story ends with a song from Pit to the audience or listeners, trying to justify how he feels. Telling us that we don't know how he's felt, we can't understand. He knows he's done what we think is an awful thing, but he doesn't care. He blames her. She deserved it.

Much darker. And maybe I think I like it better that way. But, I'm going to keep the Lover Version too. The one where he feels awful and horrible for what he's done. I like the idea of him being temporarily insane in a fit of rage and suddenly coming to his senses, realizing what he's done. I also like the idea of him being permanently insane and feeling justified in something that has no justification. I couldn't make up my mind. So I'll do them both.

Yo, diggety.

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

So I have this friend. He has to get his tonsils out. He talks about it a whole hell of a lot. In fact like thats all he writes about on his blog anymore. But that's ok, becuase it is a pretty big deal. I know when I did it I had a hard time thinking about anything else. I just want to tell him it's not that bad if you push through it. I was out for like a week. I think. As far as eating ice cream... forget it. Nothing seems more nauseating.

Anyway I did something creative yesterday and I thought I would share it with everyone who care to read. I put together an opera. Kind of like Tommy, its a rock opera. I called it "Morte di Amore" and it's pretty good if I do say so myself. I actually got the idea from Tommy. I was listening to Sally Simpson, and I thought, "They just put together some songs they wrote and made a story from start to finish. There's a song out there for like every emotion and situation. I'll bet I could make a rock opera of my own using existing songs by various artists." So I did. It's made up into three acts and an epilogue. There are 17 tracks and I gave each one a one word title instead of the actual name of the song. This is kind of a synopsis of the entire story.

Act I: Longing, Introduction, Infatuation, Love.
There is a guy named Pit. He's a sheltered kid, growing up in a extremely protected, conservative environment. He's never been in love or even dated before. He's never been allowed. Now he's on his own and he wants love. He wants someone, he believes he's doing everything right, but he's getting nowhere. Then he meets Maru. He's taken aback by how he feels about her upon meeting her. They talk occasionally, and more and more he finds himself falling completely in love with her. They end up together, and he's never been happier to just be alive.

Act II: Doubt, Heartbreak, Misery, Obsession, Hope, Reunion.
Pit and Maru's relationship is starting to falter, when one day it ends. Pit cannot get over it, he is devistated, miserable. She is all he ever thinks about. He tries to change himself to please her, to try to win back her affection, and it starts to work. It starts to look like she likes him again. They get back together, but it's different. For Pit, this is an unhealthy obsession being fulfilled.

Act III: Futility, Pain, Desperation, Rage, Insanity, Lucidity.
Maru doesn't know how much this means to Pit. Pit doesn't know how little this means to Maru. He finds she still doesn't care. He feels ineffectual. He finds out how Maru really feels, and it hurts him in a way he's never felt before. In an attempt to salvage the relationship, he changes himself again. His personality is completely different. He basically begs her to stay with him. This time it doesn't work. He's getting angrier and angrier, and when this doesn't work he explodes. He unleashes, and blows up at her, and after this screaming match, he walks out. A few days later, he comes back only to find her with another man. Pit loses it and in a fit of madness, he kills her. And as she lies there silent, he realizes what he has done. He realizes whatever he does, he cannot take this back. The thought that he is now and forever a murderer, over something as meaningless as a broken heart, consumes him.

Epilogue: Lament.
Pit regrets it. All of it. He regrets killing her. He regrets getting upset that she didn't love him. He regrets getting back together with her. He regrets even meeting her. He just wishes more than anything that he could go back. Back to when love wasn't so complicated, back to when he wanted love, to when he was innocent. Now his life is scarred.

This entire project took me about five hours, I put a lot of thought into it. There are always male singers, until the parts when Pit tried to change himself, then there are female singers. I used Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Queen, No Doubt, Garbage, U2, Eric Clapton, REM and a few more. I think it really turned it out well. JDuke liked it, my pal Erin Cain didn't hear it, but I layed it all down and she seemed to like it. So I guess I'm creative.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001