If You Build It, They Will Come.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Hmm, I had an extremely long post here, and now it's gone. Weird.

I'm nervous... today was way too good of a day. Something is bound to go terribly wrong now.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

On yet another note... I have now seen every available View Askew movie. I'll probably leave this post on here temporarily, as it could be the first thing I post at Ellicit Behavior. Here are my short reviews (it is 3:30am) of all seven and a half View Askew ventures.

Clerks: If you've ever worked in retail or any customer service postion, you absolutely love this movie. All black and white, all low budget, and for the most part, all shot in the Quick Stop in Leonardo, New Jersey. Starring Brian O' Halloran and Jeff Anderson as Dante and Randall, two kids running a convienence store who have to deal with surprisingly deep issues reminding those who don't realize it that people behind the counter are people too. Unfortunately, some of the customers at Babbages have never seen Clerks.

Best quote: "Ya know there's a million fine looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

Mallrats Starring then unknowns Ben Affleck and Jason Lee, along with Jeremy London and the love of my life, Claire Forlani, this may have been the dumbest of the VA flicks. Which is not to say it wasn't good, au contraire, I love this movie, but Miss Ivana the three nippled topless psychic...? Kevin Smith was stoned out of his pants. The movie did cameo Stan Lee, which was cool, and introduced us to Walt and Steve-Dave. And of course, Walt Flannigans dog. Basically, Lee and London are dumped and they go to the mall, hi-jinks ensue, and everything gets resolved. If you want to see something cool though, get it on DVD and check out the deleted stuff, the movie was supposed to be completely different.

Best quote: "That's criminal! That kid is back on the escalator again!"

Drawing Flies: Another B&W, but this one wasn't written or directed by Kevin Smith. Though it had Renee Humphrey, Jason Lee, Scott Mosier, Joey Adams, Ethan Suplee, Kevin Smith as Silent Bob, and Jay Mewes as a character named "Az" but just as well could've been called Jay, it lacked.... something. It actually looked like something I could've written and directed. Which isn't to say it was bad, it was just very freshman. Five kids (Lee, Mewes, Humphrey, Friend 4 and Friend 5) all live in British Columbia. They are all on welfare, until one day they're not. They then decide to go camping. Lee becomes obsessed with Bigfoot, and in a Blair Witch-esque, kids lost in the woods, looking for a legendary creature way, the film wanders aimlessly until Mewes breaks his leg and he and friend 5 have to leave. Friend 4 and Humphrey follow shortly thereafter as Lee is now Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters obsessed, and the film ends quite predictably. But honestly, it's really not all that bad.

Best quote: "Look at you. You bitch. You faggy bitch. What's the matter you fag? Bitch fag..." (Said the way only Jay Mewes can.)

Chasing Amy: Great movie. Very powerful. Affleck is a comic book artist, and he falls in love with a lesbian. Of all the VA movies, this was, until yesterday, the hardest one for me to watch, because it isn't really a comedy, it's quite serious and dramatic, and really in the star-cross'd lovers type of way, a deep tragedy. Some of the best acting Affleck and Joey Adams I think have ever done.

Best quote: "And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. "

Dogma: This is in my humble opinion, one of the best movies ever made. Minus the actor that played Bethany, everything in this movie was excellent. It had scores of people, from VA alumni Jay Mewes, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Walt and Steve-Dave, to new faces Chris Rock, Alan Rickman, Selma Hyeck, and the incredibly Canadian Alanis Morrissette. This movie came out to a huge protest by the Catholic Church and Bill Donohue. The best thing I've ever heard is that most of them never even saw the movie. Most of them didn't even know what they were protesting. So much so that Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier snuck in to a protest group outside a theater and actually got news air time protesting their own movie. None of the protesters knew who they were, they thought they were just more uppity, ignorant, holier-than-thou Catholics protesting an evil, evil movie. Bethany is a decendant of Christ, (one of his brothers or sisters, of whom I've heard are actually mentioned in the Bible) who has to stop two banished angels (Affleck and Damon) from getting to New Jersey and back into heaven, and thus erasing all of existance. The movie hits on all the flaws of organized religion, and really relays quite a positive message. But you ignorant protesters had to go and be all dumb...

Best quote: "Mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.... I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier."

Clerks: The Animated Series. Two episodes. Only two got on stupid ABC. They released six total on VHS and DVD. The animated series is only a half a production, in that they had the ideas for like four more episodes that never got done. Basically it was Dante and Randall again, only this time in cartoon color. The show spoofed Looney Tunes, the Matrix, Temple of Doom, Outbreak, it was really funny. ABC didn't get it.

Best quote: "Coach Dante, this bottle has a message in it." "Then throw it out!!"

"Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Again, a plethera of talent including Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, James Van Der Beek, Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Sean William Scott, Will Ferrell, Jon Stewart, Jason Lee (as his characters from Mallrats, and Amy), Ben Affleck (as his character from Amy, and as himself), Matt Damon, George Carlin, Judd Nelson, Walt and Steve-Dave again, Chris Rock, Jamie Kennedy, cameos by Joey Adams, Renee Humphrey, Scott Mosier and Morris Day and the Time to name a few. Jay and Silent Bob go to Hollywood to stop a movie about the comic book they are the basis for. Hi-Jinks. The end. Good movie, but dumb again, like Mallrats. Not intellegent like Dogma. But still very good. Good.

Best quote: "Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms."

Vulgar: Recently I've discovered how to say a movie was really good, but I didn't like it. I learned this after watching Vulgar. Let's just say I was unprepared for Vulgar. The movie is based on the clown at the beginning of Clerks. It was really good, in that if I watched it knowing what it was about, I'd probably.... no, ok, if I was in the right mood, Vulgar would be good, but yet not. Okay, I really can't explain this well. Think of Justin Timberlake. He's a great dancer, but I don't like him. Sort of like that, except on the other end of the spectrum from bubblegum pop. Vulgar was disturbing to put it nicely. Ok, remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where the rednecks are raping Marsellus Wallace, and you catch a quick glimpse of it in the background that makes you kind of cringe? Take that quick glimpse, add a third redneck, stretch it out about four or five minutes longer, make it the main focus, and then instead of Ving Rhames, get a clown in fishnet stockings, and you've basically got the scene from Vulgar. This movie had no Jay and Silent Bob, and was not written by Kevin Smith. It was actually written, directed and starred Brian O' Halloran (Dante from Clerks). Vulgar is not by any stretch of the imagination a comedy. It was about a clown who couldn't make ends meet, was beat up, attacked and raped by three guys, and then saved a girls life, and gets famous. Then apparently the three guys taped the whole incedent, and threatened to go public with it. I guess I still can't decide if liked it or not. It did have Jay Mewes as a guy that we might as well call "Jay," Keven Smith sans beard as the agent that signs Flappy the Clown, Ethan Suplee as one of the three guys (a father and two sons) and Steve-Dave as Flappy's best friend. If you see this movie, be prepared for it, I'm warning you.

Best quote: "F*ck you!!" (You gotta see it to understand I guess)

So there you have it. It's 4:30am. I open tomorrow. What the hell am I doing??

G'night Y'all.

One more thing. Jackie... the real quote was more like this....

Joe: "You guys are so easily entertained, if I ever had to babysit you, I'd put you in a room alone together with a cardboard box."

Jack, very excitedly: "We could play Spongebob Squarepants!!!"

This was just on SNL.

"Saddham, America is pissed off. Maybe not at you... but you'll do."

Now enjoy this metaphor....

Once upon a time there was this man. This man's name was Bill. Bill was a smoker. He wanted to quit. So he threw away his pack and decided he was done. But then he started getting antsy. He wanted a cigarette. But he didn't want it that badly, he was just bored. But then he saw a news report about how smoking cigarettes becomes addictive, and it's very hard to quit. He hears this and decides, "I went for two weeks without a cigarette, and because it's addictive, and very hard to quit, I think half-assing my quitting is still respectable, because of how hard it is." So then he gets lung cancer and dies.

Then there was Ralph. Ralph was a smoker too. He heard the same report while he was trying to quit. And he knew this guy, Bill, from work who tried to quit, and couldn't do it because it was too hard. But Ralph decided not to believe the hype that was self destructing all those who believed it. He decided that a chemical addiction to nicotine only lasts three days, and once you've gone without a cigarette for three days, you are no longer physically addicted. After that, it's all in your mind. Ralph beats his cigarette habit and lives a long healthy life.

MORAL: Everyone has problems. Everyone has hardships. And cruelest of all, everyone has hype. Everyone is told they can't do something because of how hard it is for someone like them to do it. Someone has tried something, failed, and told someone else that they can't do it because they are too old, too young, too tall, too short, too white, too black, too whatever. But Spud Webb played in the NBA, Eminem is a famous rapper, Tiger Woods plays in the PGA. I'm sure people told Spud he was too short. I'm sure people ignored Eminem and Tiger because of their skin color. There's always hype, and too many people choose to buy it, not enough choose to beat it. Too many people think, "Well, I guess I did a respectable job, considering I'm...."

I just read something that says people are not responsible for their economic status. Look at me. I went to a white trash high school in BFE Ohio. I work at a mall, I'm not taking classes currently. I'm about $1200 in credit card debt, I get paid, but all my money goes to bills. I haven't bought groceries in a month. I always spend the last four days before pay day strecthing $12, budgeting myself $3 a day. I took classes at WMU, but I failed a ton of them, and decided to take some time off to reconsider my life. I live off popcorn, leftover pizza, and dollar store Ritz Bitz crackers. Do I blame the fact that I'm a college student for my economic misfortune? Do I blame the government? Do I blame the crap ass high school? Do I blame my job? Do I blame it on the fact that I'm a white 22 year old male? Do I blame it on the fact that I'm not the biggest ball of beauty or talent that ever existed? No, I blame it on me. I blame it on the fact that I decided to go out to Friday's last night, or to buy that video game last week. I blame it on the fact that I've settled in to working at a video game store, and I've accepted what they gave me. I blame it on my choices. Other people can influence you. Your parents can get divorced, and you can be a little upset about it, and then you hear how it's completely screwed up someone elses life, and you say, "Here's my excuse." So you cut class, and you decide "I don't want to go along anymore, because my parents split up." And you use it to your adavantage so that you don't have to try anymore. OR you can say, "I'm not going to let this thing destroy my life. I'm not going to let the fact that my parents are divorced, or that I'm latino or that I'm gay or that I'm rich or poor or fat or old or short or white or black or quitting smoking is hard or I'm sick or I don't have a leg be my excuse for not giving my life everything I have to give it." I'm a 22 year old white male. Will I ever be a famous rapper? I pretty much have the deck stacked against me don't I? So I have an idea, why don't I just give up. Because I believe the deck is stacked against me, because other bad white rappers have said it's too hard. I want to be a famous actor. So does a lot of people. A lot of people say, "Oh it's too hard." That's because they suck at acting. That's because they tried out and lost once. That's because it helps them sleep better at night if they say, "It's not my fault, it's Hollywood." Or "it's society." Or "it's the man." I'm not doubting at all that there are some hardcore ignorant ass racist bastards out there. But some people believe there is racism where there isn't. I work at Babbages. There is one black guy there. Charles. Charles is awesome. All the rest of us are dorky white guys. Some could call this racist. It isn't. Charles also works at Marshall Fields. He dresses nice, he's polite, courteous, knows the products we sell, is great with customers, and is a very fun guy. The other day, a black kid came in dressed in huge baggy clothes, reeking of weed, and while I was with a customer interrupted me by yelling, "Hey!" and I'm like, "yes?" He says, "Is y'all hiring?" I gave him an application, he took it, filled it out, gave it back. We won't hire him. Is it because he was black? No. It's because he was rude, smelled like pot, and didn't have the notion to try to make a good first impression by dressing up or taking a shower. I don't care what color you are, if you want to work retail, you don't do that. Now is that all black people? No. Not by a long shot. This was one black person. Actually in all the time I've been taking applications, it's been about seven. Do I judge people based on their skin color, no. Hell, I don't even see skin color anymore. I see smart, and I see dumb. But if that kid goes home and says, "Well, at least I got the app turned in and they took it, that's pretty good considering I'm black trying to work at a store with all white guys." then he's only adding to the problem. Like Bill.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

"The reason old men use Viagra is not because they are impotent, it's because old women are so very ugly." --Jimmy Carr. (I feel guilty for laughing, yet I laugh.)

Monday, October 07, 2002

Happiness Lies In Your Smile.

I gotta wonder, and if you don't understand why, you've got more issues than I realize. But what in the blue hell is your deal?

First off let me explain that I hate drama. Unneeded drama is why there is so much turmoil in the world. This is nothing more than unneeded drama. I'm going to explain this thing from start to finish, in hopes that either 1.) I'll see where I went so horribly wrong, or 2.) If you ever read this, you can see what a huge megabitch you're being.

I have this friend. We'll call her Ann. Ann and I have known each other since high school. During this time Ann liked me, but she never told me, nor made any indication as such. So then after high school, there were three of us, me, Ann, and our friend who we'll call Michelle. Ann, Michelle, and I were best of friends. But then, one day, Ann started dating this guy named Chris, (his name has not been changed, he's an asshole.) Once Ann and Chris started dating, and eventually became engaged, Ann stopped talking to Michelle and I. Why? Because Chris didn't want her to. Chris didn't want Ann to talk to her own brother. And even though they were all best friends, Ann turned her back on Michelle and I. Ann had issues with us, and these issues blew way the hell up. Then came the summer of 2000. This is where the story is going tostart being explained in the third person. Michelle was newly single, Ann was newly single, Joe was newly single, and all hell broke loose. They all hung out all the time, but now, they all were friends a little differently. Ann and Michelle were both pursuing Joe, and Joe was interested in both of them. Ann kissed Joe, Joe kissed Ann. Then it was determined that it wouldn't work between them. Then one day, Michelle kissed Joe, and Joe kissed Michelle. Then it was determined that it wouldn't work between them either. Much drama ensued. Joe saw how Ann and Michelle were beginning to not be friends anymore, and he decided that he better back up off of the whole situation. So Joe kissed Jenni, and Jenni kissed Joe, and then Jenni didn't call Joe anymore, but that's a different story. Eventually Joe, Michelle, and Ann all got over their crazy summer, and were all friends again. Michelle got married to Nick (his name has not been changed, he's a cool guy.) Joe and Michelle remained single. Michelle drove to see Joe in Michigan a few times, Joe never went to her house, but did go to meet her in Ypsilanti to go to a Red Wings game he got tickets for. The reason for this is simple, and I'll get to it shortly. One of these times Ann was in Michigan, they were at a party in a haunted house in Paw Paw. Ann and I were playing pool when a fight broke out, and I went to help break it up, when I got back, Ann was upset. Out of nowhere she had attacked me for "breaking her heart" in the summer of 2000. I talked to her, apologized as much as someone guilty of breaking someones heart could, and she made out with one of my friends. Fine.

The next time we saw each other, it started off all happy once again, but then Ann was upset. She continued to call me a jerk and an ass for hurting her, and she got upset with Michelle because she was still jealous of the whole thing, on top of all her unnecessary jealousy of Michelle in the first place. Then the next time Ann and I saw each other, we were all buddy buddy again. In fact we were buddy buddy enough that we kissed again. Then she left the next day and didn't call me. We didn't talk until the next time we saw each other on line, and we were talking about the last time we were together, and by the end of the conversation, she decided she'd come back to Michigan that night. We kissed a little more. This happened a couple times. She'd come to my apartment, and we'd hang out, and then we'd make out. I didn't go down to Ohio, she lived with her parents, who don't like me as it is, because I hurt her in the summer of 2000. So then one day, in the summer of 2002, Joe and Ann were in Michigan and Joe wanted to just be friends for this trip, to prove to himself and to her that they were still friends, not just a consistant string of one night stands. Ann tried to get Joe to kiss her, but he didn't, she tried, he didn't, she tried, and, well, Joe just isn't that strong. Joe was hoping to show her that he still valued her friendship and her person, not just her body. Joe had planned to watch movies together, get dinner, hang out like buds. It didn't happen that way. This was the last time that Ann ever talked to Joe.

Ann didn't call Joe, Ann didn't reply to Joe's emails, Ann didn't reply to Joe's IM's. That night in the summer of 2002, Joe and Ann stopped kissing because she felt guilty about this guy she liked. They stopped, and Joe actually encouraged her to pursue this new guy. Well she did. Ann got a new boyfriend, and suddenly didn't need to see Joe anymore. See Joe wanted to prove that them getting together was more than just a make out relationship, but apparently to Ann, that's all it was, because the second she's got a boyfriend, she doesn't need Joe anymore.

And you know what. As I write this, I realize I have been in this situation before, from her end. I acted almost the same way. So Ann, I'm sorry. I know how you feel. And I hope you realize just how extremely bad you're over-reacting in a shorter amount of time than I did. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I can only say it so many times. I want to be your friend, and if you want out of my life, then it's your choice. I feel bad, because I know how you feel. I was there and I blamed her, but it was totally not her fault. It just felt better to say it was.

I hope to see you in two weeks, in Ohio. Just me, you and Michelle again in Lexington. If not, it's your choice. I just hope you realize what you're doing.

Friday, October 04, 2002

Windows Update can bite me. My computer was dead for a week and a half, but thanks to John, it now lives again.

Laura W. said nothing good came from the eighties except the Breakfast Club. Jon disagreed, apparently naming many things that came from the eighties he thinks worthy of mention. I can't read his response, because I can't see his archives and he writes like twenty five posts a day, but apparently he stuck a chord with the A-Team. Laura then remembered MacGyver.

Now in my opinion, I could do without the Breakfast Club. I could even do without the A-Team. MacGyver is definately a keeper though. But while all the music was annoying as hell, I think the best album ever came out of the eighties. Of course I mean U2's "The Joshua Tree." Then of course there was Showbiz Pizza, later called Chuck E. Cheese. The thing was, Showbiz's main characters were the animatronic band members. They were the ones who walked around and played with the kids, whilst simultaniously being on stage singing songs. Chuck E. Cheese was only a bit player, he was mentioned at best, he occasionally walked around while I was playing TMNT2 the Arcade Game or Skeeball. Then one day it was all Chuck E. Cheese. Like overnight the mouse threw a coup de tat and stormed the Showbiz Pizza castle. The old players were overthrown in the bloody battle and faded into oblivion. It was a terrible fight of teenagers in big costumes with giant heads duking it out, and when all the dust settled, Chuck E. Cheese stood tall and victorious. More than likely the CEO's just decided to take the company in a slightly different direction, and changed the name, but to tell you the truth, I like my version better.

Other than that and the fall of the Berlin Wall, I think the eighties were pretty pointless. I know Jon's upset because I'm leaving out Back to the Future. Good films. I like how 2015 is going to look like 1985 on even more crack. But... well... Back to the Future was pretty cool. But if I mention that then I have to mention Ghostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Other than that... and of course the Miracle On Ice. And that's it.