If You Build It, They Will Come.

Monday, April 29, 2002

Back to the original title.

I want to be a superhero. I have a super power. I can make myself invisible. Sometimes it happens when I don't want it to. I don't have complete control of my power yet, but I'm getting there. Someday I will fight crime as "See-Thru Guy." My costume will be... well it won't really matter what my costume is, because you won't see it. You won't see me. My arch-enemy would have no regard for me at all. We would fight and he wouldn't be the kind of enemy that feels any pity. Just attacks ruthlessly and destroys blindly. Like that clown guy from the Boogie Woogie Feng Shway episode of Cowboy Bebop. The mind of a child, just killing because it doesn't matter to him and he's powerful enough to push a guys head through a metal fence. And I would use my invisible powers and sneak up on him when, like all good comic books, it is revealed that my arch-enemy used to be my closest friend. And in that moment of hesitation, he will get away and kill a child or something. And that will be my baggage. I will never forgive myself for letting him kill little Billy. And I swear to myself that the next time we meet I will not hesitate, but I'm never sure, because he used to be my best friend. I can't kill him, can I? A great internal conflict, with a sweet external conflict filled with explosions as my enemy thoughtlessly destroys all that is good. There will be many battles, an I usually lose until my powers become more developed then the battles become more even. But the war is never won.

Take care, true believers.

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Today isn't shaping up to be any better. I try to be happy. I'm trying to do better. Ever since the day I wrote that long blog. Sometimes it just doesn't work. I feel stuck, like nothing is ever going to change, becuase I'm stagnant. I can't stir anything up because I'm not moving. I'd like to move, but I think I've forgotten how. Or maybe I've never known. I feel like a pitcher of water. Everyone dumps their stuff onto me, but I can't move unless someone picks me up. Is this just me not trying to change my situation? I don't think so, but I'm missing something. I don't know what it is. I need something big. Something drastic. I've got something in mind.

Saturday, April 27, 2002

I want to smile, but it's 1:19pm, and it's already a bad day. And it's about to get worse.

Friday, April 26, 2002

I hate it when people take potshots at me just to make themselves feel more powerful. Some people can hurt me much easier than others. Some people abuse that to make themselves feel better. I wish they'd stop. But they haven't yet.

I'm in a house. It's kind of run down, although it could be elegant with a little TLC. My parents are here too. As a matter of fact so is my entire family. It's surprisingly dark in here for how light it is outside. My grandma is in the kitchen making fruit salad. My uncle Ed is out on the back porch with my dad, the entire family is scattered all around the house when suddenly there is a scream.

Everyone rushes back to the foyer to see my great grandmother crushed under a fallen chandiler. We stare in silence not knowing what to do when my dad is knocked through the air and back into the wall. He falls hitting the ground completely limp. We don't have to check, we know he's dead too. It hits Ed too. Ed is gone. There's something here, but we cannot see it. It's attacking my family. I see it swipe out my aunt Stacy when it grabs me.

I feel a hand grab me around my torso, my arms are stuck down. It starts squeezing and I feel the blood rush to my head. I can't breathe, my eyes are watering so I close them. I try to scream but nothing happens. Suddenly the pressure is gone. I open my eyes, and I see my dad. He's shaking me. I look around and there's Ed, Stacy, and my grandma. We're all dead, but we're still in the house. In the attic. We're ghosts. My brother Brent fades into the room screaming. He's dead too. Through the attic door we hear people yelling, crying. There's a giant bottomless hole in front of the door. Ed jumps it to get out, but when he opens the door, an overpowering gust blows him back into the hole. We feel defeated.

More and more people are fading into the room, and we realize whatever this thing is, it's killing everyone. I jump the hole and go for the door. I hold onto the wall tightly and open the door. The gust is intense but isn't hard to get past if you're expecting it. I get through the door and yell back to the rest of the ghosts that we can get through. I run downstairs and from the stairway overlooking the Foyer, I can see it.

It's huge. A giant black mixture of arms and teeth floating around the room while the remaining living members of my family run around terrified and blind. They can't see it, or us. It can see us though, when we reach the foyer, it comes after us again. It hits just as hard even though we're already dead. Brent and I find these ninja weapons, a bo and a kitana. The creature grows a head and feet, it looks somewhat human now as it chases the ghosts around the house. It's seemed to leave the living people alone and focused only on us. The alive people still cannot see us or it and think it has left. They all wander around saddened and frightened looking at all our bodies. My mom is still alive and she's crying like crazy. Brent and I see the creature walks down the stairs, it sees me.

We both step out onto the back porch by walking through the kitchen wall. Brent stands behind the door, hiding just out of sight, I stand in plain view, baiting the creature with the kitana hidden behind my back. It comes running towards me. I am very scared. It comes through the door and Brent drops the bo in front of its feet tripping it, and in one swift motion, turns around and with the other end of the bo, strikes the creature under its jaw, tipping its head up into the air. I take one quick shot at its exposed throat with the kitana and take its head off. It hits the ground in two pieces, both of which simply disappear. I go out to investigate where it went when my dad comes out of the house onto the porch with us. I look at the grass when my dad looks at me and says, "Joseph... you're outside."

I pause and look back up, he is right. If I was a ghost, I shouldn't be able to go outside. Brent follows me, and the rest of the ghosts eventually come outside with me. I see a soccer ball on the ground and kick it straight into my dad's leg. It stops. I kicked it, and it hit him. Overjoyed, we run out of the back yard around the house towards the street out front. I see someone driving around slowly and start obnoxiously yelling to him. He turns his head and waves.

He saw me.

"We're alive!" I scream turning away from him back to my family who are all just as excited as I was. We all smile, and laugh as we hea back into the house to let everyone know that we are all okay.

When you mix two whiskey sours, a chocolate shake, french fries, Pepsi, and cold pizza within two hours before bed, these are the kinds of dreams you wake up remembering. At least it ended happy.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Zaphnath-paaneah... that's my name too.....

my friend told me not to worry. she doesn't realize this is not an option for those who truly care about her. sorry kiddo.

Saturday, April 20, 2002

Inside My Mind.

Being cheery all the time is hard work. I want to argue with an athiest. I got new pants. Chicken Parmesean is pretty good, but hardly filling when it is a TV dinner. Laura's phone is busy. Marcy is busy tonight. I have nothing to do. I hope my tax refund gets here soon. I'd like to go out tonight. I'd wear my new pants. Finals are next week. I'm going to finish school as with a BA in Behavioral Science, and a minor in Computer Science. Two things that couldn't be further apart on the spectrum. I hate behavioral science. It is so stupid. It's so hard to major in something you don't believe. Something you can sit in class and listen to the teacher while realizing how wrong they are. It's like taking classes that make you explain why you think the world is flat. Then I think about other classes I've taken. My class on how to catagorize fairy tales in 155 different categories. When you sit in class and are told things that you don't believe, it turns you off to the class. I had an ecology class that I took that told how bad pollution was and everything, and yeah it's bad, but even facts can be skewed to make them seem so much more detrimental and high impact. And when a teacher tells you that 800,000 dump trucks can circle the earth 5 times, and you think that a dump truck is about 25 feet long means that 800,000 dump trucks in a row would make a line 20,000,000 feet long. 20,000,000 feet is 3787 miles, and if that is five times around the world, than once around the world is 757 miles. I live in Kalamazoo Michigan. It is 780 miles from here to Atlanta. Far short from the circumference of the planet. This was however on the midterm. And I had to write an answer that was so obviously false just to get a grade. And as I sit in behavioral science classes and hold my tounge, it gets very difficult to swallow my pride, and I find myself disillusioned. I've taken classes that have completely captured my interest, like Greek Mythology. You don't have to believe in Greek Mythology to enjoy it, to understand it.

Oh well. I am one of many. Or am I? Am I alone?

Friday, April 12, 2002

What a day yesterday. I'm so glad I was there for it.

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Happy Birthday, although you'll never read this. For some reason I don't think I'll ever forget that today is your day. I'm sure it will never matter. It doesn't really matter now. I just thought I'd say something. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder what you're doing. Hell right now, I wonder if you're still alive. No exaggeration, you could be dead and I wouldn't know. I haven't seen you in years. Haven't heard from you in years. Sometimes I still think about it, about you. Never like I used to. I can't believe how I used to think about you. Well, no, I believe it, I just can't believe how long it lasted. Oh well. It's over now. You meant everything to me, I couldn't imagine living like I am now. I couldn't imagine not having you here. But you know what, you were really never there were you? So I guess I couldn't imagine going through life living how I was living. I was sure you'd come around. I was sure that today I'd be celebrating with you. But for whatever reason, it never happened. For whatever reason you took me for granted, and you figured that I'd always come back. You thought you could kick me around like a dog, and I'd still always come back for more. And for the most part you were right, until I found out how much easier it was to just forget you. I always thought it was my fault. Like there was something wrong with me that made you not love me. But you know, it really wasn't my fault at all. You blew it. You screwed up. And although you may never realize it, or it may never mean anything to you, it means something to me. It means that I didn't mess up. You missed out. You're still missing out. I would've thrown you a nice little party today. I would've done everything I could to make your life happy. I don't regret a thing. I am happy. I'm still beaming from the "Don't Sweat It" post. I'm still beaming because I don't feel at fault for us going wrong anymore. My whole life is so much happier today. So happy birthday Krissy. I'm a good kisser, and you'll never know.

Monday, April 08, 2002

Last night I was reminded of something that will always make me smile...

Laura: "I know that guy... I think he's on the Flight Team."
Joe: "Flight Team? Ha. What do they do... fly?"
Laura: "...yeah."
Joe: (internal monologue) "Shit...."

Don't Sweat It....

Today is the gloomiest day I've seen in quite some time. But I had to sit down and write today. I feel like I forget things. Not like I need a grocery list or anything, I forget emotions. I forget the way I used to feel. I remember the bad stuff and forget the good stuff, or I remember the good stuff and forget the bad stuff. Either way it's not good. Sometimes I feel like no one has ever liked me, because nobody likes me now. Sometimes I remember being happy, but forget all the crap that came with it. Today something hit me as I looked into the mirror, and I really don't want to forget it, so I want to write it here. I am seeing clearly, Future Joseph, so don't re-read this thinking, "What a dumbass I used to be." I am not ignoring anything. I am not just forcing this. For some reason or another, I cannot stop smiling today. I realized something. I am nowhere near as bad as I always think I am. Re-read that, Future Joseph. I, Joseph Parcell, being of sound mind and body, have today realized that I'm pretty damn cool. I'm no Fonz, but who is? I can run with the big dogs. I can do what I want. There is nothing, nor has there ever been anything holding me back from total happiness but myself. Now I've had some shitty things happen in my life. Things that bummed me out for way longer than they should've. That has all stopped today. Today, I feel the best I've felt in a long time. You know how everyone tells you when you're hurt by someone else, "You don't need others to be happy." It's true. It's very true. Today I am happy. And I'm sitting alone on a rainy monday in a messy apartment.

Let me tell you a discovery I've made. This is for Future Joseph, in case his dumbass forgets it, or actually for anyone out there who may need to hear it. One man in particular I am thinking of. When you meet someone for the first time, they don't just see your face, or your shirt, they can see you. And only you can define what that is. If you're cute it doesn't hurt, but if you're not it isn't damning. To go back to the Five and Under theories, if you think you're a 2, she'll see it and think you're a 2 as well. If you think you're a 7, she'll see it and think you're a 7 too. If you think you're a 10, you better damn well a 10 or she'll see it and think you're a dick.

See I used to think that this meant lying to yourself. As in "Well, I'm not that attractive, but if I pretend to be once, maybe she'll fall for it, and then I can believe that I really might be attractive... or she's stoned." No, no, no. An epiphany today. You don't have to lie to yourself. You just have to believe it. If you believe it, it's not a lie. Someone can be hot and alone because they are an asshole. Someone else can be average, but the life of the party because they are fun. Beauty fades, personality doesn't.

"So," says Future Joe, and anyone else reading, "That's all well and good. I realize that, but girls don't." Future Joey, Other Guy... that is so bullshit. People are not nearly as judgemental as you think they are. Not even close. But you two blow it before you even start. You look at the hot girl and say, "She's so cute, I don't stand a chance. God, I'd go over there, and she'd totally blow me off. Why are girls like that, they never realize that nice guys aren't always the hot guys. It's not fair. I hate feeling like this, I hate seeing these girls with their jerk boyfriends because they won't even look at a guy like me." How many millions of times has that thought gone through your head? Now of those times when it went through your head, how many times did you actually get up out of the chair and try to talk to her to see if you were right? Once? Twice? You're so sure you'll fail that you never even try. I think it was Michael Jordan who said "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you never take." Future Joe, Other Guy, get up and try it. You are not nearly as bad as you guys make yourselves out to be. If you try and miss, at least you tried, instead of sitting there pissing and moaning, thinking that you don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever being happy.

Now, both of you have had your share of crap. You've both had your times when the first and last kiss happen on the same night, and then the next day it's like "Can we just forget this ever happened?" That hurts, I know. Believe me, I know. It's happened to me, Present Joseph, too. But it doesn't bother me today. Because what is the point in holding on to it? What, just to make yourself upset? To make you feel like it's not your fault? To act as proof that you're a loser and no one really want's to be with you, so why try? To make you feel justified in pouting? No. Horseshit. Let it go. It doesn't prove anything, except that maybe the other person had second thoughts. Remember that they are "second" thoughts. Remember what the first thoughts were, and there goes your proof right there. So yeah, it sucks, but don't dwell on it, or it will poison you and your character. You'll let it consume you and make yourself think false thoughts that you're some kind of loser, and then you'll end up all sad and insecure and worried that you can't talk to girls that are at all attractive. So drop that crap, and realize the truth. You are both kick ass guys. Just because nobody else realizes it at the moment doesn't mean it's not true, it just means that perhaps, you guys need to let more people know.

Also remember that you're in your early 20's. You can take that as bad because it means you have to wait, which is what you usually do. But instead, today, take it like this. How do you feel when you see a 16 year old girl complain that she has never found true love, and how her whole life is crap because of it. Yeah, that's you. Just give it time. Does that mean you'll have to wait? Yes it does. But guess what. You can spend that time complaining that you aren't there yet, or you can enjoy the ride.

But, Christ, cheer up, both of you. The only guy who has ever gotten chicks by being sad is Adam Duritz, and that still baffles me. Just relax. There have been happy times, they're just hard to remember when you want to be sad. Don't be so caustic, cut yourself some slack. You both are good guys. Here's a little proof of how easy it really is, as opposed to how hard you and I make it out to be.

The other day Jonny and I were talking about girls at the OP and it blew up into a huge conversation about who had it easier talking to members of the opposite sex. Now I realize it's a conversation starter when you're cute, and most gilrs are. But cute gets your foot in the door. After that, you better have something to say. Anyways, that day I walked over to the cute girl at the table hoping to get shot down so I could show the girls how "bad" we have it. But here's the reveal of the big secret. I cheated. I walked over to her and started talking to Polka Chris who was sitting next to her, which got my foot in the door. She so would've talked to me. I however didn't want to lose this little bet, so I said to her, "Can you do me a favor?" To which she said yes. I said, "I've got a little bet going with my friends, so can you just kind of blow me off?" She laughed. I got her to laugh, Jesus, I was so in. Smiling at me she said sure, and turned away and cuddled up to her friend, Rob, who I knew through BA. The girl I had honestly never met, but I really could've talked to her if I kept going and wasn't so eager to prove a point that I really believed at the time but now realize to be completely false. So here it is. I'm admitting it. I lied. Jen, Jack, Laura, you guys were right. Although you may have a bit of an edge in that traditionally it's us who has to make the first move so when you do it, it's much more meaningful. For the most part it's just as easy for us to talk to you as it is for you to talk to us. Not as hard, as easy. We look at you and think, it's so easy for you to talk to us, but it's just as easy for us. You just have to do it. You just have to show a bit of confidence, don't come off like you're trying to dive straight into their pants, (as much as guys will say this is the ultimate conversation starter, it isn't. If a girl offers me sex in the first five minutes of our first conversation, it's quite frightening.) Just get game. That's all it takes. Don't be so damn nervous and don't doom yourself to failure before you even start. If you don't think you're cool enough to talk to her, why would she think you are?

So Future Joey, Other Guy... Shit happens. It happens to everyone. How you take it is a true testiment to your character. Do you lie there when you fall, or do you get up and brush yourself off, take enough time to bandage your scraped knee, and then keep going? Most importantly, try to remember. If you fail once, you're not a failure, unless you never try again. You're only a failure if you fail on your last attempt. So if you fail, make sure it's not your last attempt. It's as simple as that. And again, cheer up. No one falls in love with a pouter, unless, again, that pouter is Adam Duritz. Be happy, because you've been happy before, no matter how much you don't want to remember it.

Anything can happen today. Everytime something wonderful happens, you remember that you woke up that morning thinking it was just going to be another day. All the best days of your life, you never really expected. That's part of what made them so damn cool. Anyday could be another one of those days. So don't wake up all pissy, thinking that life is terrible because you've got nothing to do, or you've got too much to do, or you woke up with your arm around a pillow instead of a girl that you're totally crazy about. You never know what today brings. Today could be the best day of your life, but only if you let it be. So smile. It all starts there.

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Mike Cardinal found it. I'm impressed.

Yesterday I saw something that made me smile. A car pulled into JC with Wisconsin plates. A girl got out with a few bags, and a guy came running up to her. In the middle of the cold rain they hugged for about thirty seconds, before they let go and kissed. He grabbed her bags and they walked up to the building. It was so nice. It made me smile.