The Rookie's Dream.
a short story and clever analogy told over AIM
by Joseph Parcell

JoFish19: There's this kid...
JoFish19: and he's a hockey player
JoFish19: He gets drafted into the NHL in the first round.
JoFish19: the GM for Dallas picks him in the first round.
JoFish19: because he's heard nothing but good things about this kid.
JoFish19: From his high school coach and his college coach, they all tell him that this kid is simply awesome.
JoFish19: So on the strength of that, the Stars pick him up.
JoFish19: So he plays for Dallas.
JoFish19: Not the best team in the NHL but not the worst.
JoFish19: They'll make the playoffs.
JoFish19: So, the season starts up, and this kid goes out onto the ice.

JoFish19: And he sucks.

JoFish19: Not really, but he's nowhere near as good as his coaches built him up to be.
JoFish19: He's making bad passes, he stumbles.
JoFish19: He gets an assist every few games, he gets a few goals.
JoFish19: He ends the regular season with 19 assists and 8 goals.
JoFish19: He's a huge disappointment.

JoFish19: But then the playoffs start.

JoFish19: And this kid is en fuego.

JoFish19: He's getting 2, 3, 4 goals a game. Making great plays, he's juking and jiving, he's passing awesomely, he's a human highlight film.
JoFish19: And his teammates are like, "Dude, why didn't you play like this during the season?"

JoFish19: And he's like "My heart wasn't in it."
JoFish19: "This is the kind of game I want to play."
JoFish19: "In the playoffs, it's put up or shut up. Go hard or go home."
JoFish19: "During the regular season, it's just not the same."
JoFish19: "It's boring, it feels redundant."'
JoFish19: "It's not that I wouldn't play like I am now, it's that I couldn't."
JoFish19: "I couldn't get into the game enough to let this out. The instincts that come when you are really into it never showed because I was never really into it."

JoFish19: As the playoffs go on, this kid is doing better and better.
JoFish19: They get to game seven of the conference finals and something happens.
JoFish19: He makes a bad pass in overtime and Dallas loses the game.
JoFish19: They're out of the playoffs.
JoFish19: And now this kids dreams of holding up the Stanley Cup are gone for the year.

JoFish19: The next season comes around, and again, he sucks during the season, and rocks during the playoffs.
JoFish19: This time they lose in the conference semi's.
JoFish19: And again, his dreams of drinking from the cup go unfulfilled.

JoFish19: So he gears up for next season.
JoFish19: Same thing. Bad season, good playoffs.
JoFish19: And they get past the semi's, past the conference finals into the Stanley Cup championship.
JoFish19: And they're beaten in six.

JoFish19: He goes home after the game, feeling miserable.
JoFish19: He thinks to himself, "Maybe thats as close as I'll ever get to holding up the cup."
JoFish19: He hates that thought and tries to dismiss it as pessimistic. There's always next year, as long as he's still playing he can still win.
JoFish19: But the thought remains, like an echo in a cave, nagging at him from the back of his mind. Maybe that's as close as I'll ever get.

JoFish19: But he still laces up his skates.
JoFish19: He still plays when it truly matters.
JoFish19: He still keeps his chin up, and tries to ignore the thought.
JoFish19: And now in March of 2002, after the Olympic break, the NHL regular season is drawing to a close, and now Dallas and Phoenix are fighting for that last playoff spot. He might not even make it to the playoffs this year.

JoFish19: So here's to hoping the Coyotes hit a losing streak.
JoFish19: And here's to hoping he gets another run at his dream.

JoFish19: --The End--

In response to Jon's survey, the Jewel song most like me is "Foolish Games." But I've known that for years.

Guns.

My uncle and I have been having this discussion forever. He thinks that the gun laws are taking away our second amendment rights. He feels the checks we do on our gun-buyers is good enough.

First of all, there are no second amendment rights for citizens unless they are part of a well regulated militia. But that's beside the point. That's what Chuck Heston chooses not to brainwash his disciples with. But anyway.... How do you think criminals get guns? Smuggle them from Cuba? Steal them from law abiding gun owners? Maybe, but I doubt it. I think this is what I just accepted and didn't realize he didn't even think of. They get guns from law abiding citizens. Just like how minors get alcohol from guys over 21. It's simple economics, you want it, I can get it. I mean I relaize this is an obvious no-brainer, but maybe it was something he just accidentally overlooked. Example. Twenty five percent of all alcohol cosumed in this country is consumed by minors. That means a quarter of all alcohol is consumed by people spanning 12-20 years old. That's eight years getting 25% and the remaining fifty eight years worth of people get the rest. But... how? How do minors get alcohol? They check peoples ID's... it shouldn't be possible. They must smuggle it all in from Mexico, right? Maybe they steal it all. Or maybe... just maybe... those who can get it, buy it for them. I mean after taking out a small delivery fee, you can get a few extra bucks. You're only a criminal if you've been caught. I mean I don't get stopped by cops, there's no warrant out for me, and next time I go to 7-11, they'll sell me a twelve pack, even though I have come home with a twelve pack, and not gotten one because my 19-20 year old friends who paid for it drank it all. I hope this helps clear it up.

"I'd like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. Like when there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my f*cking sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly because a fly zig-zags, and my sandwiches do not." -Mitch Hedberg

Happy Birthday Erin! I'm still trying to call you, apparently I don't have your home number. Left a message on your cell.

Mitch Hedberg is hilarious. "I think pickles are cuccumbers that sold out. Pickles sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill."

Oh my leaping Jesus, I so love public access!!!! I'm watching homemade music videos from the 80's!!

Now, on to another topic... have I missed something? The last few weeks I've been seeing stories on tv asking if we should attack Saddham Hussein. Should we bomb Iraq, when can we get in Iraq, how should we over throw the goverment. Maybe I missed it, weren't we attacking Afghanistan? Aren't they the ones who hid bin Laden? Now suddenly we're calling Iran the "Axis of Evil" and talking about hitting Iraq. Did I miss the big story where they made us mad again? And Korea too? Are we going after them? Why are we suddenly being dicks to everyone? Oh wait... The President's name is George Bush..... oh yeah.

I admire what the man has done so far. He's handled this rather well I guess. But here's my problem. There are giant scandals behind this whole thing that no one is touching on, the fact that bin Laden's organization funded Bush's oil companies when they got started out. Chaney is tied deep in this Enron deal. And all I can think of is republicans dispensed 400 FBI agents and countless tax dollars to find out if Clinton lied about a blow job. Ah well. They're hateful whiny old white men who have never seen the real world, what did we expect. Arrogant, know it all, conservative, closed minded, rich, spoiled, pampered, lying, cheating, hypocritical, scabby, old sons of bitches.

It's 3am. USA just scored. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Confliction. It's 2:54am. I have class at 9am. I have a test at 9am. I've studied. I should be sleeping. USA is playing Canada in women's hockey. 2nd period just started. I know this is a replay, but it's a really good game. It's for the gold medal. USA going on the power play again. What to do, what to do....

I read Jen's blog about yesterday's "Historic event." I also saw this event made the front page of the local newspaper. For those of you who don't know, the historic event was that yesterday at 8:02pm, the date/time was 20/02 20:02 2002. This was said to have been the first time the date/time was a complete palindrome in 1001 years (10/01 10:01 1001) and due to the fact that the clock only goes up to 23:59 it will never happen again. Sadly, nobody thought this through.

November 11, 1111 at 11:11 am. (11/11 11:11 1111) was only 891 years ago.
December 21, 2112 at 9:12 pm (21/12 21:12 2112) is in 110 years.

Click click click click click click click click click click click click click..............

It's clicking. Even better, I can hear it clicking. I've always wanted to hear it click. It's all I wanted. All I ever asked. Insight. A glimpse. A few more, and it'll come across that that's what I wanted. How easy. That'll click too. Not that it or any of it will matter to me anymore, it's just that it'd be nice. I doubt anyone who reads this has any idea at all of what I'm talking about. That's ok. It's for me.

Thank god that's over...

From 7pm on the 13th to 9pm on the 14th, we took a tally at work of all the college age girls that came into our store. Of the twenty-seven, (yes twenty-seven in thirteen hours, that's a little over two every hour. And it usually only lasts a couple minutes) twenty-one were brought in by their boyfriends, five were buying stuff for their boyfriends, and one... one was in our store by her own free will. Of the thousands of college girls who go to the mall every day, one wandered into our store and found something worth buying. For herself. Two things. One: God bless you video game girl. It's people like you that make my days happier. Two: I really hate my job.

What gets me is the girls who complain about being in our store once their boyfriends drag them in. These boyfriends who are helping her carry around her bags from The Gap, Abercrombie, FYE, Mrs. Fields, Pac Sun, Gadzooks, Marshal Fields, JC Penny, J Banks and Banana Republic. These guys who after being dragged around through the mall by them all freaking day, want to take ten minutes out and see what new PS2 games we got in, and she's like, "Christ, can we go yet? I hate this store." Some girls suck.

Know what else gets me? Our repeat customers. Some of them, like Little Man, are awesome. Little Man is a ten year old kid with a MILF who drops him off at our store for sometimes an hour. He's really cool though, he knows everyone at the store, he talks to all of us, he's cool. Everyone else... I shudder when I see them come in. First of all, imagine the people who would be our repeat business. There's James, who always calls us buddy. Like "Hey buddy, this is a scary game." or if there are two of us, "Hey, buddies, when is Metal Gear Solid 4 coming out? That'll be a hard game." He just talks and talks and talks. It's so hard to keep a straight face. Then there's faggy kid. He is the only person I've ever used the term "faggy" for because I generally don't like that word, but god, I really don't like this kid. He is the whiniest, most spoiled, flaming little 12-14 year old I've ever seen. He's got the highest female voice, his voice hasn't deepened yet, and he always gets his grandma to buy him something. I want to punch this kid. Then there's Stinky Pete. Stinky Pete has made friends with Tim, though Tim hates him. Stinky Pete thinks he's a comedian, as he comes up to the counter and tells us jokes. Bad jokes. The same bad jokes. Over and over. I do not like Stinky Pete. Then apparently there are Helmet Guy and Whoop Guy. Helmet Guy is a guy who wears a helmet and for the most part is ok, but if he says "Hi, how are you?" Say "Fine" or he will follow you around asking you over and over again. Whoop Guy just says "whoop." Apparently Helmet Guy attacked some girl at Barnes and Noble. There's X-Box Kid. A kid with the most awful B.O. imaginable, who instead of trying to hide it, chooses rather to whole heartedly showcase it to the world by wearing muscle shirts and tank tops in the dead of winter. He stands and plays the X-Box in the front of our store, during the holidays, for four days in a row he was up there for six hours without letting go of the controller. There was Children of the Corn Kid, but we haven't seen him in a while. He was this little albino looking kid, who was just creepy. We closed the store one time and were doing inventory and COTC Kid was staring at John through the gate. John said hi, and the kid said nothing, didn't even flinch to break the glare he was giving John. I swear John looked up at us for a few seconds, and the kid was gone. It was really creepy. Then there's Paco. This little kid who asks the dumbest questions. Everytime he's in the store he brings us up one of our game displays and says "Do you know this is empty?" No shit? They're all empty dumbass, that's why they're display boxes. Remember when we told you this last time? The stupid people.... they flock to us. I was vaccumming in the store last night after we closed. I'm looking through the closed steel gate our into the mall, and some guy is making eye contact with me from a ways away as he is walking up to the store. He walks right up to the closed steel gate sepearating our store from the general public, and asks me as I stand there, vaccum in hand, "Are you guys closed?" Yes. "I can't buy nothing? Even if I know what I want?" Nope, registers are closed. "Damn!" and he walks away. Are we closed? Hmm... Can you get in the store? Though we have had people go under the gate when I left it a quarter open so that we could let out the dumbasses that needed to stay until after we closed. They had to crawl to get into the store. Working in retail has made me lose a lot of faith in humanity as a whole.

On the lighter side, I'm up for that GM job again this summer.

.ti nees t'nsah ohw enoyna ot ti dnemmocer I .tol a ti dekil I .eivom doog yllaer a si otnemeM

American Beauty however, was not. I don't care how much anyone says it was the greatest movie ever made, it so was not. There was a message in it that states "look closer, you can find happiness in the little things in life that you don't always see, no matter how screwed up your life is." Great message, so lets think about it in context of this movie. Here's me looking closer.

Had Lester not died at the end of this movie, how would it have gone? Lester finds happiness by giving up on all those around him. All the things in life he has worked for, he tosses out the window. His job, his wife and his daughter will now simply be ignored as Lester goes back and works at a Burger King. So basically, a guy in his forties decides he can't live up to the responsibilities that come with being forty, wants the least bit of responsibility he can muster, and goes back to being a teenage kid working a drive thru and smoking pot with his next door neighbor while fantisicing about banging a high school cheerleader. Those people he is responsible for, his daughter, is about to run away from home, his wife is a neurotic headcase who ALMOST reconsiles with him until she mentions he's about to spill something on the couch, to which he flips out and ruins the whole thing, saying it's just a couch, who cares if I spill something on it. To which I, both times I've seen this movie am thinking to myself, who give a damn, just put the bottle down. But no, Lester becomes so immature, that anyone telling him to do anything makes him go into a whiny rant about how he's fed up with the way his life has turned out. It's great. Find happiness by shirking those who depend on you, and go back to being a spoiled fifteen year old. There's a bright message. The man finds happiness being a deadbeat father and husband, who wants to cheat on his wife with his daughters best friend. Had he not been shot by the repressed gay army guy neighbor, this would've easily ended up on Jerry Springer. In fact, had he not been killed, it's almost a given he would've killed himself. But why Joe, you say, he was so happy? No, he wasn't happy, he was relieved. I could be too. I could just stop paying my bills, stop going to class, drop out of school, blow off people that bug me, flip out at people when they tell me to do something, run a few stop signs, and flip off the world; and I'd probably feel a lot better than I do right now. Until it all catches up to me. Until I come out of this haze and come to my senses. Then I would realize as Lester would've, that I've destroyed any resemblance to a life I had left over some petty mid-life crisis, that could've easily been fixed if I had set the damn beer down, stopped whining, and tried to fix the problems instead of snapping one day over a hard on I had for Mena Suvari (which I think is one of the coolest names I've ever heard) and deciding to piss my life away. But Lester dies in the middle of it all. He never gets to that point, so it's a happy ending. The freaky kid with the eyebrows and the camcorder was almost believable. If anything from this movie made the slightest bit of an impact it would be him. The same kind of impact Finch made in American Pie 2 when he was watering the plant and experienced a tantric moment, saying that the plant and the water and the pouring were all so erotic. It made me think, you know if you really think about a dead pigeon or a bag floating around or watering a plant in a different light, it's kind of interesting. I mean yeah the animal is dead, but there are things living on it now, and it's decomposing. Point made, move on. No wait we aren't moving on. The point of this movie was made when Lester's voice over started and he said by the end of the year he'd be dead. I'm sitting there thinking, oh it's going to be a movie about how great life is and how we should live it to the fullest and appreciate everything. And predictibly it was. It just took around seventeen hours of crap to sift through to find that message. I've seen much better movies, much better done, with much less predictibility. It got best picture. It's important to remember, it didn't get best picture ever. Only as compared to the other junk that came out that year. It was a good movie the second time I saw it. I'll give it "good." Then again so was Jurassic Park 2. Only because I was expecting the crapfest I felt I wasted my time on the first time I saw it, so my expectations were lowered intensely. Only then did I ever say, "Eh, it was alright."

My apologies. I didn't intend to trivialize anything to anyone.

"Hail, hail the lucky ones. I refer to those in love." --Eddie Vedder.

Joseph's depressing thought of the day: Today I don't believe in love. I don't think there is such a thing. Odd that I've stood up for it for so long, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing more than a mix of a chemical reaction in the mind and a psychological dependancy. There's no power of God, no fate, no storybook crap behind it. It's all drama. Life is full of bullshit that people want to believe. Like the power of love. People want to believe that they will fall in love someday. It has to happen. Why? Because they are a good person and they are entitled to it. They are owed this by life. "You'll find someone. How do I know? I just know." Bull, you don't know, you hope. For the record, I'm still in this rut I talked about in the next entry.

By the way, up until thirty seconds ago, I had never seen lightning in a snowstorm, nor had I heard thunder in a snowstorm. I love Michigan weather.

How can someone feel so terrible in the morning, and by the end of the day, feel so good? Nothing special happened today. I was pretty unhappy this morning, but for me that happens sometimes. Sometimes I just get in these little ruts. Sometimes they last months, sometimes weeks, sometimes days. This one has been on and off since late december. I'm sure it's not over, I don't think so anyway. I took about four hours today and just walked around campus, by the end of it I felt really good.

I guess everyone has their days where they are basically unapproachable. Today started off like that. I think I've just been frustrated lately, with a lot of things. Things I shouldn't be frustrated with, things that I'm allowed to be frustrated with. But, being in a rut isn't fun. But you're in a different state of mind when you're there. At least I am. I could think of ways to be cheery, reasons to feel better, but I don't want to. I'm not exactly sure why. I think because when I'm down, I feel as if those things have failed me or aren't true, and I've been a fool to believe them for so long. I feel like I don't want to be stupid and make myself believe them again. I almost feel like when I'm down I'm seeing things clearly.

I realized today I've been in a rut for nearly ten straight years. A rut that I don't think anyone believed I was in, even me. If anyone caught that post that was up here a few days ago that I took off twelve hours later, I'll restate some of those things here, without all the F words.

Sometimes I feel let down. Sometimes I feel like no one cares. At least like no one cares as much as I do for them. Maybe that's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time. For the record I have not lived the pristine life. I'm not always happy. Some of you know this. Some of you don't. Some of you think you have to drop a bowling ball on my foot for me to feel the first ounce of pain I've felt in my life. Some of you think because my parents are well off, that I've never not gotten everything I've ever wanted. Some of you think that the things I've gone through are not that bad, but some of you don't realize how things stick to me. Some of you don't realize how my paradigm of life has been shaped throughout my upbringing by these same experiences. Some of you don't believe me when I say that I've felt depressed in my life. Some of you would only say "maybe." Some of you don't think I've grown up enough to feel the way I feel. I'd say I'm more grown up than a lot of you. Some of you don't take me seriously. Some of you won't listen to me until I'm not a little kid anymore. To some of you, I always will be. A little kid, with little kid ideas, little kid feelings that are not to be taken seriously, because they're not nearly as serious as you feel.

I'm a man, I'm not a child.

Here's the issue I'm having trouble dealing with right now. I cannot trust my own instincts. This causes an almost neurotic internal conflict. Experience is a teacher. It has taught me nothing. Maybe I'm not listening. Maybe I'm not getting it. I used to be good at people. Then suddenly someone came along who I fell for hardcore. I told her I loved her, she didn't. This lasted for a LONG time, and I tried to make something happen, I tried to show her how sweet I could be, it didn't work, I felt terrible, like I wasn't worth it. It was almost like it was simple for her to break my heart. I wondered how it could be so easy to cast me off, and know you were doing it, after all I had done. Then someone else came along, told me she loved me, made me believe it, then backed out of it. Broke my heart over the phone. Cast me off again. Seemingly quite easily. "Joe I want you to get over it." "Seriously?" "Yes. Now why don't you go watch your movie now..." Conversation over. Once again, easily thrown away. Along came another. She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her. We were happy. Then she started acting funny. And this is where my instincts got all messed up. She'd lie to me. I never caught it. I think she wanted to break up, but took the lazy way out of it by trying to just ignore the relationship until it went away. I'd come over, she'd be mad. She'd tell me it was because she was having a bad day. She'd never call me when I asked her to, she'd wait for me to call her, then when I'd be like, "Why didn't you call me?" She'd be like, "I was going to, why don't you believe me?" I'd ask her to go out and do something, and she'd say she wasn't feeling up for it, she'd rather just stay in all night alone. In hindsight, I feel like I should've seen our inevitable break up coming from these signs that she just wanted nothing to do with me. Any idiot could see this right? We broke up because she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. In hindsight I shouldn't have been so shocked. But that whole relationship trashed my instincts. Because my initial reaction was to trust her. I believed she had a bad day, or that she was about to call me, or she wasn't feeling up for it. Or maybe I just wanted to. But now when other people don't call, or don't feel like hanging out with me, I go through this paradox of thought in my head. My first reaction is to believe them, but then I think, "What if they're just trying to avoid me, like she did?" Am I being niave and ignoring the signs? Or am I being paranoid and she really is sick? Am I stupid again to just believe that she's telling me the truth, or am I stupid to believe she isn't? And then I usually go berserk with this inner conflict to the point where I just get angry with everything around me. I am trying. I am trying to trust people again, but man, she screwed me up. And yes, I am blaming her. Had she stood up and actually said anything to me about how she felt, I wouldn't have to guess if this was a sign or that was a sign that you want me or you don't. I put my heart out for her and she broke it because I was stupid enough to trust her with it. Now when I get that feeling, I hesitate, because I'm afraid of it happening again. I'm afraid to trust someone that much again. But God I want to. And I'm trying. I'm trying to realize that not everyone is like her. There are people out there who will tell me when they are upset, or when they don't want to hang out because they just don't want to. There are people out there who I can trust. People I can believe. But it's an uphill climb for me. It's hard to put yourself back out there once someone has stung you so deeply. There are some out there that I'm putting faith into now. And while the angel on my shoulder is telling me that I'm doing the right thing, the devil is calling me a dumbass for inviting the pain in again. After ten years, ten years now since the first one, ten years of learning this lesson over and over again, ten years of feeling like I'm as easy to throw out as an old newspaper, I'm stepping out and asking for it again. I'm closing my eyes and falling backwards again hoping someone will catch me, in full knowledge that I've been dropped three or four times now. And if I ask anyone if I'm doing the right thing, they say, "Oh sure Joe! You're making the right move to go out there again." But to me that just seems like the right thing for them to say. I mean it isn't them who gets hurt, right? What stock does anyone else have in this? I know people care, people want me to be happy. It'd make them feel a slight bit better about their day. But I'm the one who is in this lock, stock, and barrel. So it's up to me. I'd like to put myself out there again. I'd like to stop being attracted to people that I can't be with. That would be nice. At least this latest time it happened quickly. I mean I know she likes me, but not as much as she likes this other guy. That seems to be the theme with romance in my life. I'd like to say that you never know, and something may come of this latest girl, but I don't want to kid myself or give myself any false hope. If anything, I've learned that it'll only make it worse. Even if there were a glimmer of hope, I would put it out of my mind, just like counting on a snowday. I'm only setting myself up to be knocked down again. As always I'll hope I'm wrong, but that's where it will end this time. At "Golly gee, it'd sure be swell if..." not "oh please let this happen." It's hard though, it's hard to stay out of the latter sometimes. Maybe that's my problem. I never want to come off like I'm counting on something outside of myself to make me happy, because I don't think that I need it. I just take my past experiences of being tossed away like a Kleenex as a reflection on myself. This is where I think my paradigm of life has been skewed. People tell me it's not my fault, that they were dumb to pass me up. That they handled it all wrong. But again, it seems like the right thing for them to say. They aren't there. They've never dated me. Maybe I am someone who becomes worthless to people and therefore am easy to cast away. Ten years now of feeling that way. That's almost half my life. This is how I percieve relationships to be. And I wish I didn't. I wish I could believe the movies, and I wish I could believe other people who tell me how in love they are. I wish I could believe them when they tell me that it'll happen for me someday. I wish I could believe them when they say all relationships don't go like they've gone for me. I wish I could believe them when they say that someday I'll mean the world to someone, and them to me, and I'll finally feel like I'm good enough for someone who is so important to me. Good enough that they don't need anyone else. I wish I could believe that. I just don't.

This is why it's so hard for me to go back out onto the playing field. My past experiences in love have not been positive, and leaves me with this feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to ignore that and be confident and secure. Sometimes I feel like the only way to gain that confidence back is through someone else. That sounds needy and stuff, but I can't figure out how else to be confident that you can mean enough to a person you deeply care about for them to call dibs on you apart from actually doing it. And maybe my eagerness to fall in love stems from that. I don't think so though. I've had people say they love me before. People who I didn't love. That never makes me feel any better. In fact I feel worse about it. Then again, that means they wouldn't count. I just want that relationship that both people really really want. I want us both to feel happy we are together. I want us to both wake up and think how lucky we are to have found each other. Instead, for ten years, I've been the one they love like a brother that they can tell everything to, but it would be just weird to kiss. (That wasn't a stab at you, I know that's not really how you meant it. I really did take that as a compliment, after a little thought. Thank you.) The one girl that actually did publicly state that she had even kissed me, let alone dated me, never had the guts to tell me it was over. And maybe the reason I tried so hard and went through so much crap with her is because she was the first and only girl I felt so strongly about that actually called me her boyfriend. That felt so good after waiting for it for so long, that I went through an extra year and a half of being drug around through the mud just to try to get that back. And I'll admit that was me being niave. But again, you weren't there. You don't know how many times in that year and a half that we "got back together" and "broke up" again and again. You don't know how it felt for me, how it felt like maybe she really did want to be with me. How it felt like there was maybe some reason behind it all. You don't know how easy that is to believe when it's what you really want to believe. But now that's over. So are the other two, and for all intents and purposes, so is the newest one. There have been four girls now that I've really sat back and said, "Damn, I would really like to be with this girl." I mean yeah, there's the cuties who pass you in the restaurant that you say, "Damn, I would really like to be with that girl." but that's not what I mean. I mean be with this girl as in talk to her, listen to her, wake up with her, be there for her, kiss her gently without making out, open up to her, have her open up to you, someone you can be completely comfortable around, someone who can be comfortable around you. Someone who can be your home base. Soemone who you can tell anything to because you trust them with anything. Someone whos smile can make you feel happy. Someone who you want to make laugh or make happy without an alterior motive, just to make them laugh or happy because you want to. Someone who can know how you feel just by the way you look at them. Someone who knows just what to say. Someone you want to get to know because you are interested in everything that makes them who they are. Four. And I know, some people have never felt that way about anybody, and they say, "Jeez Joe, you're sure lucky to feel like that four times." But it's so very different when you want to do all that stuff, but can't because they don't like you enough. Then it hurts. It drags you down, weighs on you like an elephant on your back. You feel like, "Why am I not good enough?" I dated Laura officially for 14 months, 8 of which I was entirely happy with all of it, and 6 months of the relationship and a year and a half afterwards of wondering why I wasn't good enough. Right before Laura was Erin and right before that there was Krissy. It's been ten years since I met Krissy. Ten years of feeling wondering why I'm not good enough. You can tell me that it wasn't meant to be. You can tell me that it's better this way. You can tell me that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was their fault for handling it wrong. You can tell me whatever you want to tell me to try and make me feel better about it. Ten years of learning this is only going to be reversed by me. My paradigm of love is only going to be erased by me. And I'm trying. I'm trying to believe it won't always be like that. I'm trying to put myself out on what the devil on my shoulder is calling a hopeless cause. Experience is just hard to ignore. But I'm trying.

Maybe I should just say my prayers. I'll just light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again.

It's a big strong jawed, hair flapping in the wind, "is that your sister" Fabio world!

Joseph Parcell's Theory of Happiness: The Snow Day Principle.

A kid goes to bed late on a school night, looking outside at the blizzard falling from the sky. He's got to get up at 6:30am, so he can get ready for school. He looks at his alarm clock wondering if he should just shut off the alarm. He can put himself in one of two mindsets. Either (A) We will have a snow day tomorrow, or (B) We will not have a snow day tomorrow. Now in one of two said mindsets, one of two things can happen, giving him four possibilities.

(A1) He believes he will have a snowday tomorrow, and there is a snowday: This allows him to have a good day, although this day is expected. So in a way, it's just another day. (0)
(A2) He believes he will have a snowday tomorrow, and there is no snowday: This means he has a terrible day. He expected no school, and he has to go anyway. So he's just angry all day. (-1)

(B1) He believes he will not have a snowday tomorrow, and there is a snowday: He wakes up, crawls out of bed, and mom comes in and says, "Guess what, no school." He is so excited, because this comes as somewhat as a surprise to him. He can't help but smile as he crawls back into bed. (+1)
(B2) He believes he will not have a snowday tomorrow, and there is no snowday tomorrow: He wakes up, crawls out of bed and goes to school. It's just another day. (0)

So, in conclusion, it is always better to expect the worst of situations. If you can do that, you will never be let down. If you never expect anything good, you can first of all not be let down when it doesn't happen or secondly, be mildly surprised when it does.

I just wiped out the previous post. Anyone who got a chance to read it in the 12 hours it was up got an all too close look at me.

On a lighter note, I smell really good right now. I have no idea why.

Colorgenics.

Joseph's Profile (this is amazing.)

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to "try anything once". Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception .. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that "the wrong word" can lead you to tears . You feel other peoples pain.You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

"Compromise" is the name of the game at this time...and it is the only way by means of which you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve...so soften up a little.. be flexible.

You are trying to prove yourself .. not only to yourself.. but also to everyone around you...There is much that you would like to say and do .. but the situation warrants self-restraint .. and that is the last thing that you have on your mind..It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it. But you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions ... You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes and respect your opinions. Only when this compliance is established, will you feel at ease and secure.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

Push.

Push or pull?

I just recently realized what the song "Goodnight Elisabeth" by Counting Crows was about. Originally I thought it sounded like it could be a happyish love song. Instead after listening to it in a different state of mind, I finally got it. My friend Laura told me one time that she didn't think it was happy at all, and I didn't agree with her. Now it finally all clicked and the song is really depressing as hell.

At first I pictured it as a lulliby to a girl that Adam was in love with, and I think it is still. Now I realize that it's about someone he's in love with that he can never be with. There were lines in it that I never got, thinking that they were together, that now make a lot of sense. "Maybe I should say my prayers. I'll just light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again." is about him trying to fall in love again after being hurt in the past. "I'll wait for you in Baton Rouge, I'll miss you down in New Orleans, I'll wait for you while she slips in something comfortable, I'll miss you while I'm slipping in between." means even while he's away, and sleeping with other women, he's still thinking about her, he's still wanting to be with her instead. "If you wrap yourself in daffodils, I'll wrap myself in pain." means while she moves on and is happy, he's still dwelling on it, and moping, and can't get over it.

I found an interview with Adam Duritz about the song and found out he originally titled it "Goodbye Elisabeth." but then wanted it to play more like a lulliby.

All the lyrics for the song are on my music page.

I read about the song "Mercury" on the same site while I was there, and now, I really like that song. Strange. As I typed the word "now" in the previous sentence, the song "Mercury" came on on my MP3 player.

I think it's funny how you can hear a song a thousand times, then one day find out what it's really about and suddenly the song is completely different. LIke "3am" by Matchbox Twenty is wriiten for Rob Thomas's mother and how she got cancer when he was ten. If you didn't know that, listen to the song again with that in mind. It changes all of it.

Happy Birthday Jordan.

I officially feel old now that both of my brothers have their drivers licenses.