If You Build It, They Will Come.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Remember a few blogs ago when I asked if it were 2003 yet, because the first two weeks of 2002 sucked hardcore. The next two weeks have more than made up for it. It's scary because it seems too good to be true, which in my experience means it isn't true. I don't even know what could or couldn't be true about it, I've just been really happy lately. I've found someone to connect with. That in and of itself has made me feel better than I have in a long time. It seems that's all I've been writing about lately, but it's all I really have to say. I'm all smiles over here, what else can I say.

Thank you for another great night. I always feel balanced around you, less chaotic. It's a great feeling... like being stuffed. :)

I woke up crying this morning. I think that this was the first time I've ever had that happen. I had the strangest dream.

It was the future, I think. I was in a war, in a place like the last scenes from Aliens that we called "the basement." I was watching my fellow soldiers get hit all around me. I was very calm though. I was filling out a survey in the trenches, a psych exam they give the new soldiers. Next to me was a man that I was very close to. He was my friend. He saw me and he knew what I was about to do. I think I've had this dream before. I was about to die. I was about to drop my gun and stand up out of the trench and get killed, because I couldn't take it anymore. He watched me fill out all the answers to this survey about how desperate I was to get out of the basement. He took my pencil and started filling out his answers next to mine. There were explosions all around me and people screaming. The last question was, "How badly do you want to not be here." I wrote 10 and set down my gun. He stopped me and asked me to write one more question. He told me to write, "Is the basement hell?" So I did, and after it I wrote yes. He took my pencil and wrote no. Then he wrote "Joseph" and circled it. In my dream I started to cry, I knew he meant that he needed me there, that I was helping him feel normal after all the fighting. It made me realize how important I was to him and the other soldiers there. He said "If you're gone, that's one less thing for us to live for." I my dream the tears were streaming down my face, and that's when I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

I have to say, in the last couple days I have had the weirdest dreams.

By the way, tuesday was great.

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

Monday ended sucessfully. Now it is tuesday. I am in a completely different mood.

I am calm.
I am quiet.
I am slow.
I am open.

It's hard to describe how I am feeling at this moment. I just put on my shoes and walked around my apartment complex. I went left towards the offices and realized I grabbed the wrong shoes. These hurt my feet. My complex is shaped like a figure eight, I live on the left of the bottom loop. .8 About where that dot is. I got to about here (8.) when I realized how badly my feet were starting to hurt. Not very far. I got to the intersection and thought to myself, I could take go left and only lap the smaller circle or right and take the big loop around like I had intended. I stood at that intersection for at least a half an hour. No joke. Because suddenly I started thinking about my life. I started thinking about how many times I've sold myself short because my feet hurt, and decided to take the short cut home. I started thinking about love, how it hurts sometimes, but how if you want it to work out, you have to play through the pain and take the long road to get where you've always wanted to end up. I looked around me and wondered how I had gotten to where I was. Not the intersection, but to this moment in time. How chances in my life have brought me to where I was. I looked at my shadow, cast in front of me by the streetlight at the intersection, and realized how tall I've gotten. I remember when I was so excited to break 5 feet. I remembered a picture of me and a stuffed lamb I got when I was like four, and how happy I looked in that picture. How small I was in that picture. That picture was taken almost eighteen years ago. I wondered if back then I ever thought I'd be standing at a street corner at 1am in January in Kalamazoo Michigan, reflecting on how I had gotten there. I wondered if when I was forty I'd wonder the same thing. I wondered where I was going, where I would end up. I wondered if I knew now the people who would be in my life in twenty years. I wondered if I knew my future wife yet. If I'd have a future wife. If I hadn't met her, I wondered who she is. What she was doing at this very moment. I looked up at the moon and wondered what people I knew from my past were doing right now. People I hadn't spoken to in years, people I talked to earlier today. If they could see the moon too. I wondered how drastically my life would change in ten years. How my paradigm of life would be different. If it would be different. I wondered if anyone else ever had a moment of clarity as I was having at that intersection.

I believe all good things are worth pain. Pain makes you appreciate achieveing whatever it is that makes you shed that pain even more. I thought about my friends who get married to their first love and have never experienced heartbreak. Do they appreciate what they have as much as I would? Does walking this longer road with sore feet make coming home to a warm apartment, kicking off your shoes and relaxing that much more rewarding? Is it better because as I walked out of my apartment I had planned on doing the full lap?

I stood there for a half an hour. I felt as if I were on TV or in front of a crowd who were all waiting for me to make my decision. I felt as if someone, somewhere was watching me, as a proud parent would watch their son, hidden in the darkness, waiting to see if he'd do the right thing. It's times like these that make me believe in something, God, fate, karma, something. A higher awareness. At any rate, tonight I had a long lasting moment of clarity, and I feel a calmness that I haven't felt in longer than I can remember.

Tuesday started off at 1am with me taking the long way around Jefferson Commons with aching feet. It's been a good day so far. I hope it keeps up.

Monday, January 28, 2002

Thirty-two minutes. That's all that's left of monday. And I hope to not jinx this, but if I last another 32 minutes without something awful happeneing, this will officially be the best all around day I've had in a while. To clarify, other days recently have been better, but because of one or two isolated events. Today, from start to almost finish, everything has for some reason gone completely right. It's amazing. Well almost everything. I spilled my coke a few minutes ago, and no one hung out with me tonight, but it's alright because I threw together people hanging out with me rather quickly, and their reasons for not doing so are very justifiable. And the coke thing was just kind of funny. I diliberately kicked the can as it sat on the floor, having a brain fart, forgetting I had just opened it. I stared in a dumbstruck terror as I watched it slowly tip over. After I cleaned it up, I found it rather humorous.

T minus 26 minutes and counting.

A couple of days ago I had a really good day, due to an isolated incident. It's actually been the subject of my blogs or at least had a mention in all of them since it happened. Actually before it happened too. Hmm... cryptic. (It's not that hard Jonny, just be as vague as hell.)

Anyways, I'm going to go. Listen to some music, relax, chill out, I got the whole freakin day off tomorrow. God, it's been a great day.

Heute ist montag. Ich habe klassen zum ein Uhr und es ist die ersten zeit ich gehe. Warum? Ich bin eine schlect studenten. Nein.

So anyway, last night was inventory night at work. I don't like inventory night. I was there until 11:30pm. I went to Barbell's place afterwards to watch the X-Files, which she so generously sacrificed her copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show to tape for me. Thanks T.W.

I woke up this morning at 8:15. The shades on the window by my bed were open. I rolled over and looked outside and the sky was like a really beautiful pinkish color. I sat up and looked outside and saw a really great sunrise. The sun was a reddish dark orange, coming up over the horizon. The window was cracked a little and it was kind of cold, but the air was fresh and crisp. It kind of made my entire morning.

My screenplay is up to 42 pages now. It's by far the biggest thing I've ever written. I'm having trouble figuring out part of it, but the other half is pretty much set up in my mind.

In two ways I feel better than I've felt in a while. Both are in ways that I feel about things in my life. Like I said, I feel something familiar, but something comes with that that is really refreshing. Something else too. I remember how I felt about Kristine, and how much it hurt when she ditched me before prom. I remember being really broken up about it. I realize that I haven't talked to her in about two years, and it's not out of anger. I don't think about her that much anymore. Then there was Erin who I was absolutely crazy about. She's married, and she's still one of my closest friends. I talk to her all the time, but I don't think about her in that way anymore. I'm very happy for her and Nick. Which brings me to Laura. I felt like I was over her during the summer last year. Then she moved back here. I think we experienced what was known as an extinction burst. In the last couple weeks, I've realized she is a great friend, but I don't feel anything for her anymore. I'm sure it was sped up by something else. I think I finally got a taste of what I was missing. It made me kind of realize that I was clinging to something that I didn't even want anymore. TW, you are one of my best friends, I hope you always be. Sometimes I can't believe I feel this way. I remember thinking that after Krissy and Erin too. After feeling it for so long, it's almost strange to not anymore. It's very liberating. :)

Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I hope it keeps up.

Sunday, January 27, 2002

I really want to post something, but I don't know what.

Saturday, January 26, 2002

Six points up, the two point conversion was thrown out of bounds. This feels familiar again. Not a good familiar.... Not a terrible one either. It's sad but this feels normal. I wish it didn't. But hey, it's writing food. Steve is about to go through a shade of fresh hell. I digress.

I know someone is going to read this that may take this the wrong way. Please don't. This is just my place to vent. Realize that I completely understand, respect, and am happy with where we stand. You are a great friend, and I can deal with keeping it that way. As long as you are my friend, I will be happy. The only reason I am writing this is I need to let these feelings that I'm remembering out. This is my spot. If you don't want to read on, don't.

Tina was my first girlfriend. We'll say "girlfriend" because it was 5th grade. We were together for a little while. Until she dumped me for Ryan Sulzner.

Then came Amber in 7th grade. I bought her a necklace for twenty dollars for Valentines Day. She gave me a note, saying she was breaking up with me, because she liked my friend Kevin.

I met Kristine in 7th grade. Almost immediately I was crazy about her. I was shy though. I didn't tell her. I got the nerve up one day, finally, to ask her if she wanted to be my girlfriend, which ironically was the day she hooked up with my same friend, Kevin.

By the end of 7th grade, I started "dating" Michelle. We were together for most of the summer, I think. I'm not sure when we broke up, because when we got on the bus for the first day of 8th grade, she introduced me to her new boyfriend.

Still nuts about Kristine after she had broken up with Kevin, I moved in 9th grade to Lexington Ohio. That's where I met Stephanie. Stephanie was slighty insane I think. However she was my first kiss. We got together for about two months. She was with me but convinced she was in love with a guy named Anthony from Pittsburgh. That didn't work out. Everytime we were together she was like, "I called Anthony today, he's so great... yada yada yada..." That soon ended.

Then of course came Susan. Susan was great. We got along really well. I still had feelings for Kristine (who was always writing me, telling me more and more about her new boyfriends.) but I tried to bury it. Susan eventually cheated on me with my friend (now, not then) Jon Cole. She, by the way, dumped me for it. Still haven't quite figured that one out.

Susan and I eventually got back together. Things were ok, but it was kind of long distance, in that she was at Ohio State in Columbus, and I was a senior in High School still. That ended. Later I found out, almost the whole time, she was cheating on me with the drummer in my band, Eli Mitchell. They got together days after she and I broke up.

I saw Kristine in a play in Grand Rapids. Afterwards I hung out with her and her boyfriend. She later came down to Ohio to see my band play. That night I told her how I truly felt about her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek, told me she didn't feel the same way, said she was going to go to the afterparty acting like I never said anything, and flirted with my friend Seth for the rest of the night. We were going to go to my prom. We planned it for three months. Five days before she cancelled on me, because she had to work.

So instead of going to prom with Kristine, I went with Erin who at the time was dating a guy named Nick Cain. We had fun, hung out for the rest of the summer. Halfway through, I realized how much I liked her. She realized it too. We had a bit of a fling over the summer, but then I moved up to Kalamazoo, and despite the way we felt, she told me over the phone to get over it, because she wanted to be with Nick. (They got married in October. I'm happy for the both of them.)

A couple months later, I hooked up with Laura who I think was my first true love. I'd call Kristine something else. We were together, happy, in love, for eight months. However we were together for fourteen. Over Christmas, she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend, Victor, twice. We broke up once I found out. Laura broke my heart. I was torn up about it for a very long time. I was still attracted to her for even longer.

Then came Crystal. Crystal was one of my best friend's girlfriends. For a while I was very attracted to her. We got along great. We talked all the time after her and Mark broke up. She came up here, and we had a blast. However, she's so in love with Mark, that I never really had or will have a shot. So nevermind that.

Jackie was my next girlfriend. Just to show that I am writing of every experience I had I'm including her in this. As far as I know, she never cheated on me. There was never anyone else. For the first time in my entire life, I was with someone I was enough for. Turns out I think I was too much for her. She felt more stongly for me than I did for her, and I didn't feel it was fair to her to keep that going.

Laura moved back, and I'll admit I had a bit of a crush on her still. After Jackie and I separated, there was a little talk of us getting back together. Very little. She's "seeing" a guy named Trey now. At least that's what I think. I don't know if she knows if she's seeing him or not.

Which brings me to today. Like I said, it's sad but this feels normal. If you are still reading, it's not your fault. I said I understand, it's okay. This is just me venting. Besides, as I've learned time and time again, who knows what will happen tomorrow.

There, I feel a little better. Peace out hombres.

Thursday, January 24, 2002

I'd keep the sports analogy going, but it would seem a little crude at this point.

Marcy came over last night, and I said I was going to look for a song on Morpheus, but now I've forgotten what it was and it is annoying. I just can't remember.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Wow, amazing, turns out Parcell recovered his own fumble and now is at 1st and goal.

Motivation and me are having some issues right now. I'm looking at this screenplay and it isn't moving. I woke up late this morning. Ugh. It's amazing, yesterday I woke up in like the greatest mood ever, today I woke up and wanted to punch myself in the head.

Monday, January 21, 2002

Fumble!!... Joe Parcell dropped the ball and it fell under the crowd... it almost looked like it popped right up to number 99 on the other team... what's his name... Futility... before both teams fell on top of it. They're still waiting to see who recovered the ball... this may take a while folks... we'll be back after these messages.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you made a left instead of a right? Zigged instead of zagged? Ducked instead of dove? Called heads instead of tails? Held out earlier, gave in sooner? Moved instead of staying still? Stayed still instead of moving? Said something? Said nothing? Ever wonder how different your life could be? I recently found out.

Friday, January 18, 2002

Ok. A guy is from South Bend, and he has nice shoes. Got callouses on his hands. Wife, kid in the car. They might have to sleep on the sidewalk, but he's not worried about that. He's really nervous, and having a bad night. He's a student. But he's got South Bend plates. The cops are at Burger King. Somehow, I'm out six dollars.

Thursday, January 17, 2002

Ever feel hated?

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

This seems very familiar. Not a good familiar, but not a terrible one.

There was a school shooting in Manhattan eariler today, technically yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean it's a terrible thing to have happen. Two kids got hit, but apparently they are going to be ok.

My question is this. Does this silence the fanatics, or do they still not choose to hear? Everytime this kind of thing happens, everyone freaks out. After September 11, 2001, after the World Trade Center fell by two hi-jacked airplanes, and part of the Pentagon was destroyed by another, the country freaked out. After April 20, 1999, after two kids attacked Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, the country freaked out. See, in 1991, the World Trade Center was attacked when a bomb went off in the basement. Security was hightened, and bin Laden found another way. In 1999, the Columbine Massacre took place, and security was hightened at like every school in the country. And guess what. Through metal detectors in a New York City school, this shooter found another way. Airports have extensive security, but the guys who hijacked those planes on Sep 11 found a way through, by using knives or sharpened metal.

My point is this. All this need for hightened security is not the answer, or obviously there would still be two towers standing in New York City. Everyone looks to find fault in why something like this has been allowed to happen. The thing is, it happens. Freaking out and upping security doesn't make people reluctant to commit these acts, it makes them creative. I mean, this may sound terrible, but be assured I don't admire these people in the least, but you have to admit, hi-jacking planes and using them as missles is pretty damn creative. Like a Bond villain, who straps 007 to a table with a laser ready to cut through him like a hot knife through butter. Evil, heinous, disgusting, and creative.

That's what people are failing to realize. For every creative new security measure, there is a creative bad-guy out there who figured out a way to beat it. This is a downward spiral. I have a friend who moved here when he was 11 from Afghanistan. He's a great guy and he'd never hurt a fly, but he gave up his winter vacation plans because he knew he'd never get through an airport. We have kids getting sent home from school, some even suspended, for drawing a gun in their kindergarten class. How far are we as a country going to let this go? Add more background checks, add more security, add more psychological profiles, and when the bad-guys beat that, we'll just add more and more because we freak out. It's going to get to the point where we are constantly monitored like in Orwell's "1984." I am not kidding. I am not exaggerating. We will lose our freedoms to fear. We will give up what this country was founded on because we are afraid. When we found out that the guys on the planes used knives, we've now begun radar checks at airports. If we find out this kid used a porcelin gun (he didn't, the gun was recovered, it's hypothetical) kids will get patted down every day before school.

This is where we are going. It's only going to get worse.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Now we see that fear alone can be a very scary thing.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Ryan, check your email. Show Jon, I didn't CC him.

Monday, January 14, 2002

Scene 7.3 is dragging too much, I need to revise it, or get rid of it entirely. I can't even figure out how to end it. The problem is the natural ending to the scene should actually be the ending to the movie. It's hard to leave the conflict unresolved within the scene. I should watch Clerks again, they do it there all the time.

On a side note, something has recently happened that hasn't happened in a long time. Around three years or so. I think. Maybe less. I don't really remember. I love being cryptic. Maybe this will take a little time to get through, man I hate waiting. But it's alright, maybe it's worth waiting for. God I hope so. However, as always, it's never easy.

My brother turns 16 in three weeks. That's really cool. Insurance will cover just about everything, also cool. I'm starting to feel a lot better. This stuff with the house is looking good. All we have to do is make sure we can get it. The only real thing I was worried about was wondering whether or not we could all handle this responsibly. Last night we all met and that fear was put to rest. The meeting was very productive.

I hope it works out. All of it. I hope everything falls into place.

Sunday, January 13, 2002

So much... too much...

1.) I think I've managed to piss someone off with my critique of Dex's ten ways to treat girls. Someone called it "A Hearty Bowl of Negativity---Served With a Side of Repugnant Generalization and a Bitter Cream Sauce" Maybe this someone didn't read the rest of the post, or maybe they misunderstood. Is this why this person on her other blog seemed so pissed off about everything? Maybe, I don't know. My post was simply to say that relationships mean more than the petty things.

2.) I've had a bummer couple of days, but I think I'm doing well at staying on my feet. It may sound as if I'm pretty down here, but it truth, this is where I vent. Otherwise I'm pretty good. But I'll tell you, the days aren't really getting any better. It's a little frustrating, because there is always something new knocking me down. But hey, I'm still here.

3, 4.) Two more things. One this morning, one last night. One good one bad. The good one is a little bittersweet though. Anyway, whatever. Neither will be discussed here.

Friday, January 11, 2002

Is it 2003 yet? So far in the eleven days it has been 2002, I've broken up with my girlfriend, hit a deer, had my car broken into, lost my CDs, and my CD player, gotten bills for things I don't have, gotten phone calls from people wanting money I don't owe them, I've been shot down by two different girls, passively and actively, its so loud in this apartment with the dryer and the dishwasher, I can't sleep anymore, I was up until 7:30am last night, 6am the night before, my stomach hurts usually, I lost my necklace, broke my sunglasses, bent my ring to hell, my rollerblades are broke, my milk has gone rotten, and I only drank half of it, it's 3:45 and I haven't taken a shower yet, because I have no place to be, Booker T is back in the WWF and now so is Diamond Dallas Page, now I have a bag covering my passenger window so my whole right side is a blind spot, there's glass all over the inside of my car, I think something just broke in my dishwasher, I feel alone, not with my friends, but I lack a connection, crap all my U2 CD's were in that case, insurance won't cover it, and there were 72 in that case, that's over a thousand dollars worth at $15 a piece, just gone, I can't think of anything else to put into my screenplay, I have total writers block, it was going so well, I'm running low on money, and finding a new job has gotten tough, and these movies are overdue.

Happy flippin new year.

JoFish19: I should be angry.
JoFish19: But I'm not.
JoFish19: I think I'm more sad than anything.
JoFish19: I don't feel like hitting anything.
JoFish19: I don't want to yell or scream or lash out.
JoFish19: First deer, now this.
JoFish19: Someone broke into my car tonight, tore out my CD player, stole some CDs, and left a shattered window all over the inside of my car.
JoFish19: I tried to have a good day today. I really did.
JoFish19: It started off ok. I got cancelled at work, had the whole day off.
JoFish19: I just feel kind of beaten down. Ya know?
JoFish19: If it's not one thing hitting me, it's another.
JoFish19: It's so frustrating, because I can't seem to get out of this.
JoFish19: I should be angry.
JoFish19: But I'm not.
JoFish19: I just don't feel like smiling anymore.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

I have this friend... His name is Jon. Not Nopa, different Jon. He lives in Ohio. I recently found his website, which is pretty cool. In it he has his "school of how to treat girls." Here are his ten rules...

1. Girls are princesses. If there is any girl you do not consider to be a princess, stay the heck away from her.
2. Key in on what they like. Wear their favorite cologne or their favorite color from time to time.
3. Open every door possible for them. This includes car doors.
4. Listen to them. Don't just hear what they have to say.
5. Be sensitive to not only their likes, but their dislikes. If they don't like what's playing on your car stereo, let them change it. Let them control the temperature in the car. You will live. Trust me. :-)
6. Be honest with them. If they are going to like you for you, then start things out right. You'll only hurt them if you aren't truthful.
7. If you take a girl out to eat, pick up the tab.
8. Never, ever, EVER tell a girl she is ugly and/or fat. You idiots that do that sort of thing are the reason that a lot of girls get into depression or eating disorders. Girls are extremely sensitive to what is said to them and about them.
9. Do not be one of those guys who use my advice just to "get some". Girls are worth so much more than that. Don't be trash.
10. Use common sense. That will take care of 90% of your questions on what to do to treat a girl right.

Oh my friend... I used to think like you.... But now I see that this is really "The School of How to Let Girls Walk All Over You." I am not bitter. I am not angry with women at this moment. Some of this is really good advise. Like #6, but only when it doesn't affect #8. But... 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7... I gotta say no. Follow those and you may proceed directly to whipped. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. See, Dex, a good relationship is one where that stuff doesn't matter anymore. A good relationship is where you can object to her changing the radio station, and not worry that it will cause a problem in your realtionship. A good realtionship is where you follow #6 and start things out right. If you let them walk all over you in the beginning, they will expect it for the rest of your time together. So then either (a) you let them walk all over you for the rest of the time, or (b) you stop and suddenly you aren't who they thought you were from the beginning. A relationship is about being honest with the person you are with, yes, but it is also about being honest with yourself. If it really bugs you that she wants to change the station, and you assert that, then you are being honest. If she doesn't want to be with you because you dig polka and can't stop listening to it, then you'll find out early that it's not meant to be. Trust me, early is better.

And for the record... women are not princesses. Women are humans. Just like men. We are not below them, nor are they below us. The instant you start acting like they are better than you is the instant they smell fresh blood in the water. (Not all women are sharks either, it's an analogy.) Not all women are class acts. Not all women are perfect. Not all women are deep and caring. All women are human. They can be just as shallow as us, and for the most part, they are. That's the deal with why we can't understand each other. See, we can, we just don't want to believe we can. Men know how shallow they can be, and don't want to believe that women can think the same way, but they do. Women know how shallow they can be and don't want to think men can think the same way, but we do. When women ditch men because they have a stupid laugh, and then wonder why they got stood up, no one wants to tell her it's because she smells like soup, and she can't believe that men could be that shallow. Or vice versa. But women are not princesses anymore than men are princes. And sure, you can get someone to like you because you treat them like a princess, but you can't get someone to love you for it. You get someone to love you for all the other stuff, all the little idiosyncracies that make up who you are. These are not things like holding doors and paying for dinner because it's the way to treat girls. This is like opening doors and paying for dinner because you genuinely want to. This is how you act around kids, this is how passionate you can be. This is all the stuff that people discover about you when you aren't trying to show it to them. This is the stuff that happens when you aren't trying to impress them by being a good guy. And you can't fake that, no matter how many bills you pick up, or doors you open. No matter how many times you let them play with the radio, or wear their favorite cologne. No matter how many times you tell them how beautiful they are or make them laugh, if they aren't attracted to what's under all the chivalry, it's not going to happen. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means you don't match, no matter how badly you want to. If the key doesn't fit the lock, it's not going to work, no matter how much you dress up the key. (not a sexual analogy, grow up.) This goes for both sides. I've been in love, and it wasn't there for them. I've had people be in love with me, and it wasn't there for me. No amount of grace or generousity, chivalry or ass-kissing will ever change that. It just has to fit.

I do agree with one thing though, Jon. Whatever you do, don't be trash.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

Joe ---1
Deer - 1

Summary: Early 2001, the deer struck first, breaking out Joe's rear right window and severly damaging his passenger door and right rear quarter panel before running away into a field off of KL Avenue. The deers attack was a successful one, but the resonating damage was minimal, costing Joe only his $50 deductible. He did, however, have to drive his car with, not a rear window, but a trash bag held in place by duct tape. Then of course came "the Boat," a large white Buick Roadmaster that had to be driven while his car was in the shop. The Cavalier was in said shop for much longer after the promised time of release, and when it was returned, still had glass pieces lingering between the back seat and the trunk. The deer had won this round, but for Joe Parcell and his trusty Chevy Cavalier, there would be another day.

Early 2002 (tonight as it may be) Joe Parcell would get his revenge. While driving to a friends house on 11th Avenue, the deer would attempt to strike again. Joe spotted the animal charging forth out of the corner of his eye before it took it's last hop in front of the Cavalier, which was moving at a speed of about 35 mph at the time of impact. This deer, however, would not get up and run away. This deer proved to be a kamikaze as it bounced off the front of the car, and slid some 15 feet down the road. Joe got out to survey the damage. The deer was down in the middle of the road, motionless. The front of Joe's car had fur sticking out from a dented in headlight, and apart from this dented in headlight and a slight dent in the hood of the car, Joe escaped unscathed. If this revenge wasn't sweet enough for Joe, it certainly was when the deer was put out of it's misery by another truck that thoughtlessly plowed over it at what had to have been 40 mph, blowing fur and blood all over the road. As Joe dragged the lifeless carcass to the side of the road and left it, broken, battered, and bloody in a snowy ditch, he knew the score had been settled. He finally had his vengeance.

Sunday, January 06, 2002

I am so scared. I'm scared of life. Life is like blackjack. You can say that you play the hand life deals you as best as you can, but if the dealer hits blackjack, no matter what hand you're dealt, you are straight fucked.

I look at my parents. They met when they were five. Dated throughout high school. Married at 18, and are still happily married at 40. From hot dogs and mac and cheese, to owning two nice houses, while remodeling one of them, raising three boys sucessfully, paying for college for one of them, soon for two of them. These kids have never (except possibly one of them, who enjoys mac and cheese and hot dogs) known what it's like to not get what you wanted.

I look at my uncle. He's in his sixties, has been married and divorced 3 times. He has contracted cancer, and his daughter was killed at 16.

Do whatever you like, life can knock it down without a second thought. Why do people hit the lottery? Why do people die of cancer in fifth grade? Why is someone born into wealth? Why do thousands of people die in the World Trade Center on a seemingly normal work day. Why do people happily marry their first love? Why do people die 80 and alone with a number of heartbreaks to look back on?

People have told me I deserve to find someone to fall in love with, someone to be happy with. The word "deserve" doesn't mean jack squat in life.

It scares the bejesus out of me.

Friday, January 04, 2002

I don't care if it's only a second. I don't care if they are there and gone in a frame. 12 year old girls are going to go see Star Wars just to see if they can spot NSync. And what is this crap. All they had to do was ask to be in Star Wars and Lucas says yes? Ok, I'll write a letter, and see if he'll let me in. Probably not. Why would he let NSync in and not me? Because he knows 12 year old girls will go see Star Wars to see if they can spot NSync. It won't be a second... they're going to do a music number at Jabba's Palace... I just know it....

Someone should limit Lucas to the same resources he had in 1977. I think the fact that he couldn't do what he wanted to in A New Hope is one of the reasons it was so good. I'm sure Lucas wanted Han Solo to really be some kind of CGI fuzzy purple bunny-like creature that spoke in pig latin. Seeing as he didn't have the power to do that, he got Harrison Ford. I mean if Jar Jar Binks could've been a real person in a mask like, oh I don't know, Chewbacca or something, and not so damn annoying, that movie would've been SO much better.

So from all of us in a galaxy far far away, wesa sayin to yousa: baby bye bye bye...bye bye.

Thursday, January 03, 2002

You guys... I'm really starting to hate Star Wars. Allow me to tell you why...

Episode 4: A New Hope. Very cool movie. Darth Vader. Han Solo, Chewabacca. Great movie. Death Star explodes, very very cool.

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. Cool as well. Great tragic film. A small green muppet appears. His name is Yoda. Yoda is cool, but he can obviously be made into a plush doll for little kids. No big deal though, good movie. Luke finds out Vader is his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. Good. Cuter than A New Hope due to Yoda, and therefore possibly aimed at a younger audience at parts. Still good.

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. This is where it gets a little tricky. We start off with the death of Jabba the Hutt. Cool, Leia kills him. Yoda dies, so the movie gets less cute... but as soon as he's gone, here come these little teddy bear things called Ewoks. Very plush doll-able. Still okay, I mean the Emperor dies, another Death Star explodes... cool I guess... getting too cute though. Too much for kids...

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar freaking Binks. That's all I remember from the first time I saw this crap fest of a film. He's a mix of the Olsen Twins and E.T. He ruined the whole movie. And it was obvious he was put in there to make coloring books for kids later. He's a draw for the 12 year olds. George, buddy, it's Star Wars. You don't need a draw. It's automatic. With the newest episode coming out in May, I have been thinking to myself, there is a disturbing pattern here. Could it get any worse than Jar Jar Binks? Unfortunatly I found out today, it can, and it will.

Episode 2: The Attack of the Clones. Just read this.

'Star Wars' Goes Pop: 'NSYNC Film Cameos For 'Episode II'

All they had to do was ask.

Now that they've taken over planet Earth, 'NSYNC are prepared to blow up in a galaxy far, far away.

A few of the 'NSYNC guys will appear in "Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones," according to a spokesperson from Lucasfilm.

The spokesperson didn't know specifically which members have cameos in the movie, which will be the fifth "Star Wars" release from creator George Lucas. The guys will be seen for a fleeting moment in a "big scene with lots of extras."

The roles materialized after the group members, who are all fans of the sci-fi saga, asked the new film's producer, Rick McCallum, for bit parts.

"Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones," which stars Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen, hits theaters May 16.

— Joe D'Angelo
This report is from MTV News

Ok, I am lost. I'm not sure where I am. But I think I've been here before. It looks familiar. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I don't think I'm too far away, unless I make another wrong turn, but I think I'm okay. I've been here before, I know where I am.

This morning I woke up to someone knocking on my door. It was some maintenace guy. I had a bizarre dream again. The kind of dream that when you realize it's a dream it really pisses you off, because you start waking up. Anyway, I looked at my hair in the mirror this morning. This will not do. I either need to bleach it, dye it all black, or cut it all off. No amount of trimming is going to do anything to it. It's now blonde, gold, and black. I'm going to Bo-Rics or something today to try to figure out what to do. More than likely, it's all coming off. It sucks too, I really wanted it to grow out. I'll ask them.


Wednesday, January 02, 2002

To quote an entry in a kings journal...

"Nothing important happened today." --King George, July 4, 1776.

If you've ever felt a little out of the loop, as I do today, remember that it can really happen to anybody.