I'm a racecar in the red.

I'm not sure I can take this much longer. Although I know I'm going to have to. I'm damn near out of my skull at this point. This was all a really big mistake. I should've never come back. I was then, and unfortunately am now, out of options. I'm doing my best to try to make the best of it. I'm trying to start another project.

I have got to get out of Kalamazoo. I've got to get out of this funk.

Unfortunately, now, I've got to live with the consequences of my actions. I'm not blamng anyone for this mess I'm in. It's my fault. I've taken nine steps backwards in coming here. I feel like I'm back on Kickapoo living with Marcy and Jessica.

I've got a few friends here. That's great. I love them. I didn't really have a lot of friends in California. I was fine with that because I was working, I was progressing. I was doing what I love. Now I'm stuck. I have the chance to move back in with my parents, but that requires me getting someone to take my room. But that means no rent, no buying food, and the chance at a really decent job.

I don't want to go to St. Louis.

I just gotta knock myself out of this funk, and spend as little amount of time at home as possible. I've got a wedding I'm assisting on for $8 /hr. There's got to be more out there than this.

Maybe not here though.

I can't wait to get out of this funk.

It has begun.

My gift is my song, and this one's for you.

Thank you.

-j

Oops

Apparently the gender argument got personal, so I'm not going to post there about it anymore. I was given this article to read. It's an article about... well many things. How basically if a woman is in a movie, it's derrogatory. If she's the hero, the hero is typically and has usually been a male in previous other movies, so it's a woman being male, and that's bad. If the woman isn't a hero, then it means that people don't think women can succeed without a man and that's bad. If the woman is violent and not passive, violence is a masculine trait, and therefore the woman is regendered as male and that's bad. If the woman is not violent, then she's passive, which is stereotypical of femininity and that's bad. What it's basically coming down to is that if you're watching a movie, and a woman is in it, it's derrogatory. If you're watching a movie and a woman isn't in it, it's discriminatory. So I guess the point is, don't watch movies ever.

My favorite part of the article is when she says women are being punished for being too active by being tortured in movies. Like if your main character gets tortured, it MUST be because she's a female, right? No male characters ever get tortured in film or TV.

How many times has Jack Bauer been tortured on 24?

In debate or philosophy, this is what is called "begging the question." Common misconception, let me help if you don't know, "begging the question" does not in fact mean that the point you put forth makes one immediately come up with a question. As in "Jimmy wanted ice cream, he looked in the container and decided he never wanted to eat ice cream again, which begs the question, what was in the ice cream container." Begging the question ACTUALLY means supposing your conclusion to prove it's authenticity. In other words, supposing something is right to prove that it's right. As in "The bible must be true because God wrote the bible, and it says in the bible that God wrote it and God is infallable and cannot be wrong." You're assuming the book is accurate to prove that it's accurate. Everything after "The bible must be true..." only works as an argument if the bible is true.

The same goes here. The argument that femininty is passive in movies and masculinity is strong and always saves the day only works if you already believe that femininty is passive in movies and masculinity is strong and always saves the day.

They say it's unfair because women can never be strong in movies. I point out Ripley from Alien, Sarah Connor from Terminator, and they don't count. Why not? Because they're considered masculine. Why? Because they're strong.

Can you see why this argument makes absolutely no sense?

There are strong passive characters in sci-fi who don't run around with a flamethrower. Lt. Uhura, Cpt. Janeway, Princess Leia, Padme Amidala. Sure, they've all shot phasers or laser beams, but only when there was no other choice. They don't count either though. Why? Because they're passive, which is so stereotypical of femininity, that female = passive.

Again, no sense.

All this argument does is strengthen the idea to extremely conservtive men that women cannot be reasoned with. All it does for me is strengthen the idea that some people easily get caught up in being offended without thinking their argument all the way through.

-j

genius

I know I've posted about it before, but I've just gotten back into notpr0n with Jason. We're on level 76. Most people don't get past level 3. Give it a try.

-j

"...I said, I've gone and done it again."

I appear to be in another gender argument. Éowyn, Kristine, anyone else want to get in on this?

-j

ps. Ten points for knowing who said the quote in the title of this post.

The Weekend is over

So we decided the best move for me is to move to St. Louis now, and go to Denver in about 6 months. However, I want to make a last push here before I go, because moving back in with my parents is not really what I want to do. So today I'm going up to GR and looking around up there all day. Also on my way home I saw BW3 is hiring door help. I'm going there too.

The weekend was fun though. I got to see 111 pictures my mom and dad took in Great Britain. They were really cool. I got to see both of my brothers again. Brent I hadn't seen since last christmas. Jordan and I created a new Pang Pong table (the janky version of ping pong).

I'm going to stop in and see the Atkinsons tonight too.

Later folks.
-j

ps. at behest of a friend, i opened a myspace account.



take a look.

The Weekend.

Today my mother celebrates the fifth anniversary of her 39th birthday. Happy birthday mom.

Tomorrow morning I'm going across state to MC to celebrate. Both my brothers will be there, as will my mom and dad, and uncles Ed. It's also the St. Martins golf extravaganza, and so that will be fun. For the golfers.

Also, this weekend I figure out where I'll be this time next month.

I feel this entire Kalamazoo living situation is being handled poorly, and it's entirely my fault. So to my two readers who happen to be roommates, I really apologize if I'm being a dick. I do. I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life without losing the forward momentum I had coming out of school, and have all but kissed goodbye since coming back to this town.

See, here's how this whole thing worked out.

My last month of school in Los Angeles, I wasn't sure what I was going to do after graduation. The only thing I really knew is that I couldn't afford to live in Los Angeles anymore. At the time I only had two options, and because of when rent was due in LA, I couldn't stay more than a few days after graduation. So it was move back to Kalamazoo and live with Jon and Johanna for cheap, or move to St. Louis with my parents for free. I made the choice to come to KZoo, because I didn't want to lose the independence that I had living on my own. I thought I could make it on my own, pick up a job, save some money, then do whatever afterwards. In hindsight it was kind of the wrong choice, because there's more freedom to leave if I lived with my parents. Kalamazoo, and all of West Michigan doesn't have anything to offer in the job market, which is why I left in the first place. It's got nothing to offer in the indy film market either. I really thought I'd be able to pull this off. I was wrong.

So the week before graduation, Éowyn brought up the idea of moving to Denver. She knows people in the business there, it's a large indy film market, lots of actors, lots of crew people. Outside the city is very affordable. It seemed perfect.

So the week before I was supposed to move, I was packed and ready to go, but I didn't know where I was going.

I talked it over with my mom, looking for any advice. We came to the conclusion that finding a place to live in Denver on a weeks notice was going to be too hard, and Kalamazoo would be good because I could let it serve as a base camp and leave for Denver once I had more time to find a place, and a job, and get on my feet with a job in KZoo.

So after almost two months, I've still not found a job. Not a McDonalds, not a Discount Den, not a AbsVideo, not a mall job, not a convienence store gig. Nothing. No one is hiring, but everyone is keen to "keep my application/resume/reel on file." I've had two calls and interviews. Neither panned out. I've not heard anything back.

I drive around, up and down Westnedge, and it's amazing how many businesses have gone away, how many buildings or office spaces are for lease.

So, Jamie Flynn gets a job interview in Aspen, Colorado, and may have to leave within a week or two if she gets it. Jason is left kind of dry in this event, and he asks if I want to move in. The rent is cheaper, the room is over twice as large, and the parking is better. I ask Johanna if it's cool, she squees in her usual manner and calls her friend Jamie to see if she wants the room, saying this would be perfect because everyone would be "home." After she calls Jamie, I call Jason and say that I guess it's cool if I move over if Flynn gets this job because they have someone to take my room.

Flynn gets the job, and so I let everyone know I'm going over there. (apparently this is where I handled situation badly, and there was drama and stuff, as no one really knew what anyone else was talking about I guess. As it turns out, I was accused of "bailing" on this place, though it was my understanding that my room was "90% sure" of being taken. If I had known how up in the air it apparently actually is, I wouldn't have started moving stuff over there. What we had here was a failure to communicate. Mostly on my part I guess, as I was the one who created this situation, I should have been the one to regulate it. I do in all honesty accept responsibility for how shitty this whole ordeal has been.) At any rate, Flynn has just recently quit that job and come back to KZoo. Meaning if My room IS in fact taken, I am effectively homeless in two weeks.

Now it's really not as dire as all that. I can still move in with Jamie and Jason, and rent will be REALLY cheap. I've got other options. I may not even have to move out.

However, this may be my opportunity to get out of here and get to Denver. Where I can actually begin my career. Where I can get a job, or a McJob. Where I can get connected. Where I can get a crew, where I can get a cast, where I can get a production house.

Or I can stay here. I will probably eventually get a temp job or something.

The problem is, as I've not had a job in 2005, I can't really afford to move out to Denver right now. I do however already have my resume and reels floating around (or on their way) to the city. I got someone looking around for me a little, dropping my name. I applied to like 6 or 7 different places in Denver on Monster today. I do have a place to stay for free for a while in the Denver area until I find a place of my own. But I'm literally down to my last few bucks here.

So this weekend, in MC, I'm going to discuss this whole matter with my father, and see what he thinks. I know he's a little upset with me about the idea of moving back across the country after just getting here a month and a half ago. I know he's also a little upset over the fact that I haven't gotten a job yet. I also know that when he asks me why this all came about and about Denver, I'm going to be nowhere near as concise and clear as I am here. I'm going to studder, and blabber, and sound like a goon, because for some reason, when I do this kind of thing and need to talk to him about how I've screwed up, and how I want to do something unconventional and seemiingly illogical, I freeze up. No idea why.

I'm really just going to ask what he thinks I should do. Get his two cents. I'll try to present all this as the situation, and then see what he thinks is the best course of action.

To be my parent seems to require infinite patience. I do promise it will pay off someday.

-j