Oh, my achin' dogs. It's 4:50pm, I've been at classes since 8:30am, and I got out of my last class a little early and my next class isn't until 7:30pm. I got some time to kill, so here I am. I got my dishwasher working. Hooray. The maintenance guys are coming to fix my closet sometime soon, I think. I'm going back to Babbage's to return this game I bought, because it doesn't work. Perfect Dark is a cool game. What else. I don't know.

"I tried to think of something deep to say. But my well is dipped and dry today." -Live "Horse"

It's now 3:54pm. I am struggling to get my day going now. I woke up about an hour and a half ago. I had some things to do, but nothing that HAD to be done today. I'm watching MTV. TRL to be exact. But I just switched it.

Guess what's on. "The Neverending Story 2" Now I'm not going to go into the obvious flaw with having a sequel to a "neverending" story, because I used to watch this as a kid. So lets see, what else is on... I love that girl from the Old Navy commercails. The one who says "you gotta get this look."

Gary Condit stuff. I'm sorry. Chandra Levy is dead, she's gotta be. There's no way that she's just been shopping this whole time and hasn't noticed all the people looking for her. Did Condit have something to do with it? Maybe. If the media had their way, he would. They really don't care about this girl or her family, they just want a sequel to the Lewinsky deal. These people have no morals, just like th papparazzi. It's truly sad.

The Meatloaf movie is on VH1.

Rosie O Donnell. This chick is way to Nickelodeon for me.

Crocodile Dundee 2. There's a guy who got typecast. Has he ever NOT been Crocodile Dundee? Even in the Subaru commercials... poor guy.

A new Staind video. Cool.

Man there's nothing on. Bye.

It is 5:30am. I am struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to post that today was a really good day. Maybe I'll get into why later, but for now, I'll just say that I have the feeling that remembering today will cheer me up for a while.

Hello again everyone. After a brief leave of abscence whilst moving, I have returned. I really love this new place. Except a shelf collapsed in my closet this morning spilling crap everywhere. I gotta call maintenance.

Anyway, I signed on here with a purpose. Today I have something to say. I was thinking about the differences between my generation and my parents generation. I was thinking about how people blamed violence on TV or in movies, or in music for the Columbine shootings two years ago. I decided to take a look back at some of the shows that my parents grew up with, and see their moral value. And what could hold more moral value than a christmas movie. How about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? There's a wholesome christmas movie, right? Brace yourselves readers, after a careful look, I have found the dark messages portrayed in this christmas classic.

First of all you have Rudolph. He is born and his parents love him, but then they see he has a red nose. Well, crap, he'll never be on Santa's Sleigh pulling team now. He is different. He is unique. He won't fit in. Santa sees and says that they need to fix his nose, so his parents try to cover up their son's disformity because they are afraid that Santa will look down on his father, Donner, because Rudolph stands out. They cover his nose with a black thing. He goes to reindeer tryouts or whatever and the coach is there. Rudolph's makes some friends there, including a young doe who thinks that he is cute. Rudolph, excited by the doe, jumps around and his black nose falls off, exposing the red nose. His friends turn on him, the coach chastises him in front of everyone, and the doe's father doesn't want his daughter hanging around with a red nosed reindeer.

The lesson so far: Conform kids. If you are different, your parents will be ashamed, your friends will laugh at you, you'll never get a girlfriend, and, yes, even Santa Claus himself will hate you.

Cut to Herbie the Elf. Tired of working at a monotonous job, making the same toys over and over, he aspires to make more of his life. He wants to help people. He wants to be a dentist. His efforts are continually thwarted by his boss who tells him he'll never amount to anything more than an elf. And he'll LIKE it. Herbie is crushed and cannot concentrate on his boring and meaningless factory job while his dreams of fillings, braces, and drills dance across his mind. Herbie botches the elf dance for Santa and his boss really lets him have it. Herbie runs away.

Let go of your dreams kids, you'll never really amount to anything. If you are an elf, be an elf, do not try to better your station in life, because it is wrong to do.

The ultimate in this lesson of conformity is the Island of Misfit Toys, where all the "different" toys go to die. There we see a "Charley in the Box", shunned simply because his name isn't Jack, and as we all know, "Nobody wants to play with a CHARLEY in the Box."

Is this really the moral programming we've deviated from? Is showing sex and violence that much worse than showing hatred for those who are different?

Let's look at music. There's a song that is attacked a lot called "Kim" by Eminem. In this song Marshall kills his wife for cheating on him. Now I'll agree, kids shouldn't hear this song. I'll only agree because it has a lot of F words and is pretty vulgar. But the message is not driving kids to kill. The message of killing your girlfriend for cheating on you was okay, when it came out for my parents generation in the Jimi Hendrix song "Hey Joe." It's the exact same plot. Or how about killing the guy she's cheating with, like in "Rocky Raccoon" by the Beatles. I mean come on. The Beatles came out with a song called "Happiness is a Warm Gun," and you're getting upset about OUR music? Charles Manson said "Helter Skelter" pumped him up. I think that's the only time in history a violent act has been blamed on music BY the person who committed the act, and not by ignorant people trying to find comfort in blaming the horrendous affairs on others. I just watched a thing on VH1 about Judas Preist I think. They had a song that two kids listened to while they killed themselves. In the song, the parents swear, along with their lawyer, were subliminal messages saying the phrase "Do it." over and over seven times. And according to them, this is why their kids were dead. They brought in a sound guy to play the song at super slow speeds and drown out some of the noises and get it so they could hear what ended up being a mix between a plucked guitar string, and an exhalation of the lead singer, that barely resembled the phrase "do it" if that's what you were listening for. I mean if you wanted to hear "strudel" you could've heard that too. Anyway, you had to strain to hear anything at all, but during the course of the trial the phrase "do it" in reference to the complaint had to be stated, quite clearly, at least a hundred times. And yet, no one shot themselves. Weird, eh? I mean "do it" even if it was there, would only mean "commit suicide" if you were going to do it anyway. Otherwise it might mean "clean your room" or "take out the trash" or "moon the neighbors." And yet, this actually made it to trial and was almost found in favor of the plaintiff.

My generations problem is that we are so easily classified by our parents generation. It's their way of blocking out what is different from them. According to them we are all killers. We are all on the edge and we are ready to snap. We all listen to rap and we all do drugs. We all don't get steady jobs and we all dye our hair purple. (the purple hair was an accident on my part). We're all going to shoot up high schools, its our generation that is so lost, that that is okay to us. What is wrong with our generation? Why do we need to kill people?

This is of course based on Columbine, Santana, and probably like four more high school shootings. At MOST fifteen kids have gone on these shooting sprees. I'd say fifteen is a good representation of our WHOLE generation, wouldn't you? My generation was also the victims of those attacks, by the way.

So okay. Based on the information I have, my parents generation are all a group of killers too. They hear dogs telling them what to do (The Son of Sam, David Berkowitz), and dress as clowns (John Wayne Gacy) and kill kids. They also assassinate presidents (Lee Harvey Oswald) or try to assassinate presidents for famous people (John Hinckley shot Reagan for Jodie Foster). Let us not forget about how screwed up they are, proven by one Charles Manson. And let us not forget about where the term "Going Postal" came from. David Koresh thought he was Jesus Christ and burned up all his people, and everyone drank the Kool-Aid at Jonestown. I think you guys are more screwed up than us. You watch your violent movies (i.e. The Godfather) and hear your violent music (i.e. the beforementioned). It drives you to kill everyone. All of your generation is messed up severly. At least we don't make up some lame excuse and blame it on dogs, or the ATF and Janet Reno, or "Taxi Driver" and "Helter Skelter." We have you to do that for us.

Sometimes I confuse myself. Sometimes I believe what I want to believe rather than what I do believe. Sometimes I really like who I've become. Sometimes I truly hate myself. Sometimes I think I'm right, sometimes I just want to think I'm right. Sometimes I'm really cool, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I want to party and be happy and run around with friends and laugh and have a good time. Sometimes I want to pack up my gear, move to Colorado, change my name, forget this life and start all over again. I am consistant in inconsistancy. I am a constant wildcard. This is my open mind, I guess. This is not a bad thing. This is uncertainty. This is moodiness. This is instability. This is normal.

The previous was an excersize in stream of consciousness. For those of you who don't know, it's when you write or type without stopping, without actually truly thinking about what it is you write. After reading it, I'm as lost as you. :)

Anyway, I was at work today and I was bored. Surprise. I found a magazine called "American Legion" sitting on a table, so I decided to check it out. I read two articles before becoming quite angry and throwing the magazine away. I then realized it wasn't mine, but decided to leave it in the garbage anyhow.

Do you know what an "Elitist" is? It's someone who thinks "I am more worldly, educated, and knowledgable than most, and therefore know what's best for most, and therefore can make rules affecting most. (The irony is that this magazine oozed with conservatism, and denounced it at the same time.) They had listed, in this article, ways to spot an elitist. Ten of them. One of these was that they claim George Bush is at least slightly unintellegent. Another is that they constantly look at themselves in a mirror, and look as if they like what they see. But my favorite was number ten. Ten was simply "They wear cufflinks."

...CUFFLINKS!? That's it?? They think they're better because of cufflinks??? Ok, so I decided, I could add ten more...

11.) They change their shirt at least once every three days and shower at least once weekly.
12.) They have never had sex with a family member, nor any barnyard animal.
13.) They live in a "house", "apartment", or "condiminum", and not a trailer.
14.) They do not own a pick-up truck.
15.) They know how to tie a necktie.
16.) They have worn a white shirt to work.
17.) They have never shot an animal.
18.) They don't think Metallica is the greatest band ever, next to Foghat.
19.) They do not own a confederate flag, and are not a member of the NRA.
20.) They do not chew tobacco.

People actually READ this crap. Elitist is another word for "management." For people who make decisions. I swear, these people I work with, I used to like them because they were nice to me. I used to stick up for them. The people who have been working on a factory floor for 35 years, I used to stick up for them. Those days are over.

They complain. OH they complain. "Management are idiots" and "We can't work as fast as they say, it's impossible!" and "I'd like to see THEM try our jobs." This little rant I'm going to go on is going to sound like Randall from the movie "Clerks", I can hear it in my head already. But shut the f^$# up already! They get paid $25 an hour for doing a job that a retarded 8 year old off the street could learn to do in 20 minutes. You push f*&#ing buttons. (That's straight from Clerks) You move metal. GM is a multi-billion dollar company. You think that's because of you? You over-compensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. (Clerks). No, it's because of intellegent people who went to school and decided to apply themselves in life, and not settle for mediocraty. At least respect them for that and don't automatically naysay everything they say just because it makes you feel cool. I have no problem with you, but have no delusions about what you do. And don't get indignant. $25 an hour and you're bitching? I've worked harder jobs for $5.25 an hour. Jobs that require you to actually THINK! Heaven forbid.

I had a shirt on today that I got as a promotional deal from Babbages (before I ever worked there) when the game "Burn:Cycle" came out. (Burn:Cycle is still one of my favorite games, but you'll never find it anywhere ever again.) The plot is that it's a Bladerunner-esque future, and everyone has computers implanted in their head like Keanu Reeves in "Johnny Mneumonic." You are a character named Sol Cutter who is a datathief, one who steals data, and sells it to others. One day, Cutter downloads a virus into his head and he (and you) have literally two hours to get it out, or his head explodes. The point is on the back of the shirt, there's a phrase: "Use your brain or lose your mind." This has become my new motto.

What a rant, eh? I just had to unload. Don't subscribe to "American Legion." It explained how "elitists" tell you their ideas are right and yours are wrong. Then the next article completely bashed any viewpoint that wasn't Nugent/Limbaugh/Hitler conservative. Oh well, it's obvious the subscribers are brain-dead anyhow. I'm sure they didn't even notice.

I have decided to retract my previous two blog entries. Thanks for the talk last night Jon. Jack, I wasn't dragging you into anything, merely stating a point that nothing personal to do with you. If you read your email, I kind of explained.

Anyway I was at work today and I was thinking. This in and of itself is not surprising, although you'd be surprised how little it is required. I was thinking long and hard about religion. Now brace yourselves, because if I have it in me, this may go on for a while. And let me say as a disclaimer that these feelings I have are strictly my own and I do not wish to alter anyone else's thoughts on God or whatever. And Jackie, this may not be a good debate topic, I'm not putting it forth to be one, I'm just stating my standpoint. That being said, on with the show....

Let me start off by saying that I am in no way an expert on any one religion. In fact, I think I've only been to church like four times. I was baptised Lutheran, or Catholic. I'm not exactly sure which, and I frankly don't really care.

I am not atheist. I believe in God. But my beliefs do not fall within any particular religion; rather, they fall into every religion. What I can't stand is the people who believe they are right and others need converting. Or that others are evil because they aren't the "right" religion. In Greek Mythology, a queen has sex with a bull and gives birth to the Minotaur, a woman is turned into a peacock by Athena I believe, and Zeus gets a woman pregnant by turning himself into rain and falling on her. These stories are quite fantastic, and it's hard to imagine that it could've actually happened in real life. But is it any less believable than a virgin giving birth to the son of God? Both the stories of Jesus and Zeus's rain require a leap of faith. Both are miracles. But to some, one obviously happened and one is a ludicrous story. It's like saying that you believe in Santa Claus because he obviously exists, but not the Easter Bunny, cause that's just retarded.

I mean honestly. The only reason anyone holds one particular faith over another is that is what they've been told to do. No one would come to Catholicism or Judism on their own. Without being exposed to religion, no one would be like "Ya know, I'll bet there was this guy named Jesus like 2000 years ago." You believe one thing because it's what you're exposed to, and you believe it over others because you're told you are right and they are not. People don't realize that while you believe in Jesus, someone else believes just as strongly in some other diety.

I'm not saying God is imaginary. I said I believe in God. But I also believe in Buhdda, Allah, Zeus, and whatever else. To illustrate this point, let me tell y'all a story.

Once upon a time there was this kid named Mike. Mike was a good little boy, until he met Jon and I. We introduced him to a pal named beer. Mike had never drank before, and during our second year in college, we decided to take him out to a house party. Well, to make a long (and quite funny) story short, Mike got hammered. We failed at watching him. I'll own up and say it was my fault. Anyway, we (being me Jon and Rob) took him back to our dorm and he started puking like the dickens. I, feeling responsible, sat up with him and got him drinking water, and eating crackers, and watched him vomit all over the place. However, he was still buzzed really badly. He kept saying "I'm sorry Rob. You can go back to the party Rob." Now, I know my name is not Rob. I also know that Mike is in a bad way, and can't really tell who I am. And even though he called me Rob, I knew what he meant. I knew he was talking to me.

This is how I feel God works. Call him Jehovah, or Allah, or Buhdda. I think He knows what you mean.

See I don't think there is a right religion. I think they are all right. The obvious question then is "Well, omniscient Joe, who's rules are right? I mean Jews don't eat pork, but everyone else does. Who is right?" Easy..... both of them. Yes, doublethink straight out of George Orwell's "1984." The simultaneous belief in two contradictory ideas. To truly believe that American Beauty was a cool movie, and at the exact same time, to truly believe it sucked hard.

Okay, no, I'm kidding. It isn't contradictory. See I don't think that the offense is the action that breaks the rule; rather, the action of breaking the rule. I mean in Christianity, Eve got us all kicked out of Paradise because she ate an apple. An apple. I mean, come on. People eat apples all the time. They're nature's toothbrush. The reason it was such an offense is because God told her not to. She went against God and did it anyway. It's bad for Jews to eat pork because it goes against the rules. There is no rule in Catholicism against bacon, so it's okay, it doesn't defy God to eat it. Every religion has their rules. And if you belong to that religion, and you break the rules, that is the offense. Eating an apple, or meat on friday, or pork, or killing a cow, or facing west instead of east when you pray, or having sex before marriage, you defy your idea of God. That is the sin, or bringer of bad karma or whatever.

The other thing that gets me is HOW people believe religion. Particularly their idea of Jesus Christ, which is the one I am exposed to being that I live in middle America. People picture Jesus as a white guy that spoke english. How many white guys do you know from Israel? How many people spoke english 2000 years ago, let alone how many Israelis? But white, english speaking people want to believe Jesus was a white, english speaking guy. Now, I'm not saying that the son of God couldn't understand english now. It would be hard to believe that such a powerful being couldn't break a language barrier. But when he was here, english wasn't.

And wow. I got this far with no Kevin Smith quotes. So I guess I'll toss in a few and then call it a night.

"I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant."

That'll do. Peace out.

....and then one day you reach the breaking point. The last straw. The final insult. Beit she doesn't want to miss work for this day that you've built in your mind to be the most anticipated moment of your young life, or she just lies to you one more time. It's the day you see someone for who they really are, and wonder to yourself why in the blue hell you gave a such a damn in the first place. It's a painful yet liberating feeling. There's always that little little feeling in the back of your mind that makes it so the person is still desireable. That feeling died last night. Completely. And after a short bit of anger on my part, a bit of brooding, I realized I was glad to see it go. She will always be one of my closest friends. I will always listen to her and talk to her. We'll always hang out. But I do not want to go back, at all. There's always been a feeling that, if for some odd reason she changed her mind and wanted to try again, I'd really think about it. Not anymore.

Now this isn't a bad thing. Like I said, I enjoy being her friend. And like I said, it's a very liberating feeling. It's good to know I guess. I asked her last night, to call me today. She said she would. When she doesn't, I won't be upset. I don't expect her to. When she tells me she can't drive out to hang out and go to the thing in Jackson because her parents would be upset that she's slacking off and going other places while she is unemployed, and yet shows up the next weekend on a whim to hang out with someone else, that was what did it. And now I realize, I should've expected it. And now it doesn't bother me, because I do expect it. I wanted to ask last night. I instinctively wanted to say something. Be a smart ass somehow, like "So your parents don't want you coming out here till you get a job?" Then I was just like, it's not worth it. At all. I don't even care, really. I'm used to the lies, and the contradiction. Why get upset? And this feeling came over me and I felt free. I mean, we've had lots of fun hanging out and stuff, and now I'll probably have more. Cedar Point was cool. But I used to be on edge being with her because nobody could hurt me as bad as she could. And she would thoughtlessly do it occasionally. Now, she can't even make me flinch.

There's a purple monkey on my computer. He helps me do things. He always talks to me and tells me weird jokes that aren't really funny. The other day he said that 2 million trees are planted every year by squirrels who bury acorns and forget where they are. He pouts sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could knock him down or something. But most of the time he's a nice guy.

Jack has conceded and therefore our debate is over. That's fine, I wasn't really hoping to change her mind, just give her a little insight into mine. And no, no offense was taken. I hope the same goes for you.

Anyway, it's August. It's Wednesday. It's 12:20pm. I have SO much to be doing right now, but I'm not doing any of it. I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, or afternoon as it may be. Why? Because I'm so tired all the time. I'm hurting right now too. Stomach pains. I need to do laundry. I need to get ready to move. I need to go to work.

Screw that. I need to go back to bed. I need to go on vacation. I need to go to the beach in South Haven and hang out by the lake all day. I need to work on a tan. I need to watch a movie. I need to rollerblade around campus. I need to drive somewhere, anywhere but GM. I need to wear shorts, I need to wear light clothes. I need to dance in the streets and be merry and joyful. I need this damn summer to be OVER and I need to go back to school. I need to turn 21. I need to hang out with my friends that have all gone home. I need to go to a concert. I need to climb a tree. I need to go to the river house in Marine City. I need to ride a jetski. I need to order Hungry Howies. I need to put my arm around someone.

But, I have to do laundry. I have to get ready to move. I have to go to work.

Check Out Jackie's Site

We are but 19 and 20. But what is the age limit for love? Is it exclusive to those 25 and up only? Do you need to get a love license? :)

With Krissy I would've married her. Easily. In fact, I couldn't imagine what my life would be if I didn't. I imagined our lives together. I imagined that look she always flashed me, but I imagined it staying on her face. You'd be surprised. I used to get so nervous around her it would make me feel sick. If you ever meet Mark Abrams or Brian Atkinson, hell any of the Atkinsons, if you ever meet Erin Stotts (soon to be Erin Cain) they'll tell you. This was no sisterly love. So much so that in six years of being dogged by this chick, I still never let go. I never gave up. And to be completely honest, I still think about her and wonder if she saw me again, if it would ever work out. I still have her picture in my wallet. It's acting more as a reminder of what I took from our "relationship," but it's still a pretty damn cool picture. The feelings I had for her... If that wasn't real love, then I couldn't handle real love.

I didn't mean to come off as preachy in my last post. If I did, I apologize. I'm not telling you to fall in love. You can't just do it. But if it happens, don't fight it.

I could talk about my second love, Laura. I won't go as deeply into it, but here's the summed up version. We were together for a little over a year, although it should've been a lot less than that. It was almost like we put off breaking up. But she was the first girl that said "I love you, too." All the crap that we went through, that we put each other through, in those last six or eight months of our realtionship, to me, was worth all the good stuff in the first six months of it. I have never, ever in my life, been as happy as I was in that time. Unfortunately, it wasn't strong enough to last, and eventually it withered away, but it was wonderful while it lasted. And now she's one of my best friends, we talk a lot, we get along. It's cool. It was the getting over her that was toughest, but I did it, and now I feel great.

There are many aspects of your statements that I do agree with though Jackie. First of all, love is co-dependent, it has to be, or else it withers or never starts in the first place. I also believe that the full effects of a working loving relationship are felt later in life. You know, the stuff that brings you closer, like marriage, children, etc. But that doesn't mean love can't start in 7th grade. (BTW, I didn't actually think I loved her until sophmore year, when I started dating this other girl, who, pardon my analogy here Susan, if you ever read this, its nothing personal, was the black and white television.) Erin is getting married, to a man shes been with for four years, and she just turned 22 in February. My parents were married at 18, and are now about to turn 40. (Yeah, they're young, I know) I've seen them together, and they are still very much in love. They knew then. They knew each other since they were 5.

See I think it's hard to tell the difference between a big crush and love. A big crush is infatuation, it's thinking that this person you want is so cool, and you want to hang out with them because of it. You want to be seen with them. Love is actually caring about how that person feels. Love is not caring what others think, not caring who is seeing the two of you together. Love is being there, through the worst of it. Sticking it out through the toughest of times. Love is knowing what to say, what to do. Love is doing something for someone not because you expect anything in return, but because you know it will make the other person smile. And that is worth it. See I don't think anyone has really been in love with me. Not even Laura when she said it. I believed it then, but now I think she just had a big crush on me. That sounds so juvenile, but so did a lot of our relationship. I've been in love though. I know that. With Krissy, I think I had a big crush on her, and I fell in love witht he person I thought she was. With Laura, I fell for her hard. I would've married her too. Eventually. (funny story about that... ask me or her about it someday.)

I believe in fate too. I believe everything happens for a reason. But I don't think that love is how it is in the storybooks or in movies. Like I said, your first love is hardly ever your last. If it is, congrats, because you got a great deal. But for the rest of us, it takes a little down to make you realize how up you get. And personally I think it's better that way. Breaking up a love is tough, but you can get over it. Laura took me about a year to get over, (for other reasons). I mean there's a difference between love and a loving relationship. One takes one person, the other takes two.

Someday Jackie, if you're lucky, I'll let you read the 12 pages of notebook paper I spilled my guts onto about Krissy. If you're lucky. No one but me has ever read it. Who knows, you may be the first.

The funny thing is, you called my view on love optimistic. Right now it is. Scan down this page a little further, and you'll read my analogy of love and herion addiction. Slightly less optimistic, I'd say.