I am so mad. I just wrote the longest and most meaningful post I've ever done, and I lost it all through my own blaring stupidity. I guess I can try to sum it up.

I need to say that the last post was made after studying American Psychological Association Formatted papers for hours. I was angry, I lashed out, and I am sorry. I'm not thinking of quitting school. I am considering a possible semester off. Just time to get my priorities straightened out. There was more, much much more. I just can't write it, I'm too upset that I lost it all in the first place.

You know... I'm so close to just quitting school at Western, working at a job for a while, and getting into film. I am so burned out. I am tired of school, tired of grades, I don't even like my major anymore. It pisses me off because I've never known what I really wanted to do. When I was three or so I wanted to either be a paleontologist, or the luggage carrier at an airport. I'm pretty much still that indecisive. I'm in college right now because it's the place to be. It's where my parents want me to be, and I've heard my whole life that if you don't go to college you get to be a garbage man for all eternity. They don't want to tell you that Einstein failed algebra. I mean yeah, college will put you in a career that is already out there, something people already do. What if you don't want that?

I want to be in film. In film, on film, around film. I want to make movies. I want to be in movies. I want to create something. I'm making a project with my friend Jon and a bunch of other friends. I've never felt so interested in something before. I've never felt like I would love to devote all my time to something. Maybe this is what I've been missing. Maybe all those people out there who are in college and know what it is they want to do with their lives, maybe this is how they feel. When I was a CompSci major, I never felt this way. Now I'm a Psych major. I still have never felt as excited about some aspect of psychology as I feel about a little film we're making on a Sony Hi-8 Camcorder.

So what am I doing with my life? Throwing it away on something that doesn't even hold my interest, while passing up something that I have truly fallen for? It would appear so. Sucks, eh?

To Erin:

It's funny where fate puts us. Whether it moves you away, or keeps you near. Whether it drops you next to your future best friend in a statistics class in a high school that I'm not sure either of us were too fond of, or gets you both lost on miles of Amish backroads as you listen to the radio, oblivious to the rest of the world. Whether it introduces you to you future spouse at a frat party or a subway station or makes you miss your bus. Whether or not you realize it, or appreciate it, it's always there.

I feel the need to tell you how much you mean to me, but I can't. Everything I could say you've heard me say countless times before, and I still don't think I've gotten my point across. You have affected my life in a way I couldn't possibly begin to describe. I am who I am today largely due to you. You taught me confidence, you taught me strength, you taught me humility, you taught me love. A love more powerful than I have ever felt before. A love that grows more and more all the time. A love that is comfortable, relaxed, easy. A love that is different than any I have ever experienced. I would have never thought that love could be this powerful and yet completely platonic. You have given me so much, you have made me a better person, you have made me grow up.

Thank you.... without you in my life, I wouldn't recognize myself.

If the time I hated most in my life hadn't happened, I wouldn't have made it to that statistics class. If I hadn't experienced all the anger I had, all the stuff I endured, all the people giving me all those snide "Oh, you're from Michigan" comments, I would've missed the car rides. All the times through High School where I thought "Why did God have to disrupt my perfect little life and move me down to Ohio away from all my friends and family."

Now I know why.

It's funny where fate puts us.

I am soon to be a pilgrim in an unholy land. A dark, desolate place, festering with evil. Where you know that there is danger lurking behind every corner. Danger in the form of mindlessness. Empty headed drones walking aimlessly, blind to their own decay, their own hatred, their own evil. A place where even the most exciting of times is the worst of times. A place far from civilization. A place far from acceptance. A place far from hope. A place that once I left, promised myself I would not return to unless it was an absolute necessity. Unfortunately for me, it is today. A place that makes me cringe, makes my skin crawl as I enter. I hear the voices in my head calling, screaming, begging me not to go forth. The desolation infects my mind driving all glimmers of sanity into extinction. My mind is overtaken, captured if you will, by this terrible land to which I will be travelling in mere moments.

It is called Ohio, and it is my Hell.


Ok, so I guess it's not that bad, but still... Ohio sucks, man.

I gotta say, Jon is the only person I know that could actually make me feel sympathy for a joke. (Wednesday, October 17, 2001.) Keep trying slugger, you'll be hysterical someday.

In other news, I'm dating a crack whore. It's actually pretty cool.

Joey and Jonny's world famous time debate is beginning. Check it out. Guarenteed to make your head explode.

Joe just woke up. It's 1:45 pm. Joe slept in. The first time in months. Joe is happy. Joe had a really good day yesterday.

Wow, I just noticed my two previous posts were done exactly 24 hours apart. Odd......

I just took a philosophy midterm last night. Some of these questions snuck up on me (and the rest of the class) and I didn't really know the answer. So I decided to make them up. Here are a couple samples....

4.) Define vague and give an example. Vague -- When something is described and its description doesn't describe what it intends to. The previous sentence could be called vague.

6.) Give three examples of jargon. Slapshot, powerplay, and hat trick are examples of hockey jargon. This question could also be called vague.


14.) Define the Straw Man Fallacy. (This one I had no idea, so rather than just leave it blank...) The Scarecrow was upset because he didn't have a brain. However, he could walk, talk, and breathe and even at some times show upstanding moral character. If one had no brain, this would be impossible, and therein lies the fallacy. However, as it turns out, Scarecrow HAD a brain, just no diploma.

I'll probably get full credit for number 6, partial credit for number 4, and suspended for 14.

"Can't you hear me... because I'm screaming. I did not go outside yesterday. Don't wake me, please, because I was dreaming, and I might just stay inside again today. I don't go out much these days. Sometimes I stay inside all day. Leave me alone."
--Adam Duritz "Miller's Angels"

This is all going up apparently at once, seeing that publishing is temporarily unavailable. I continue to write, but it never sees the light of day. I'm thinking of calling Hungry Howies, or maybe just cooking some soup or something. Jay is coming over tonight, (the crack whore...not really) I was going to do something with Cap (the gay pimp...not really) but I forgot its philosiphy night.

God this is all arbitrary, isn't it? I've read other peoples blog's (no one I know) and just found some of the most boring 6th grade crap imaginable. I hope I'm not turning into that.

The other day becky told me that she wanted 2 go 2 the dance with kyle and i sad tat would be bad cuz i know that amy likes kyle as more than friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know i wasnt sposed 2 tell no 1 but i did cuz i dint wanna have em get in a fight cuz i seen 2 many fights an i dont wanna c another 1. + amys bro is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT an i wanna be his gf. but he has a gf an shes in 7th grade so shes older an she knoes more stuff. but i dont care cuz i luv him and we gonna get married an kiss an have like a 1000000 babies. not! lol :)

What in the bloody blue hell was THAT all about?! Damn, I need to say something deep.... let's see....

Jay and I have had recent talks about the nature of morality. Now what we'd like to know, and what we've been arguing, is the difference between absolutism and relativism. Absolutists believe that there is one set of moral beliefs that are the RIGHT moral beliefs and that everyone, regardless of culture and environment, should abide by them. Relativists believe that there is a different morality for different cultures and that people should not intrude on each others beliefs to try to mold them to their own. We argued this for many hours, and we came up with really nothing. But now as I sit here, I realize that the answer lies somewhere in between. You see, the argument for morality goes beyond and beneath culture. The argument basically comes down to, "Can people be trusted, or do we need to tell them what to believe?" You see this argument everyday in America. Whether it's the abortion debate, or people arguing for and against homosexuality. It may be the old man who comes into the store and tells me I'm a degenerate because I'm wearing an ear ring. These "absolutists" do not follow the rule of "To each his own" and believe that THEIR rules must be followed and that THEY are the olny ones who are truly right. To go back to the morality issue, absolutism MUST mean that their rules are the only correct rules, because they wouldn't intentionally act in an immoral way. So these are the same jerks who think that after walking only a quarter mile in their own shoes, they know how to walk a mile in everyone elses.

Now of course there is some grey area. This is why I said the answer is in between. I don't think murder could ever be classified as moral. I do however think consensual murder (or "assisted suicide") is alright. I mean who am I to tell you you have to live another week of hellish pain so that you can die of cancer NEXT tuesday. It's your life... I wasn't there to tell you that you shouldn't have dropped out of school, I wasn't there to tell you that you shouldn't have gambled you money away, I wasn't there to tell you that you shouldn't have eaten the paste in kindergarten. I don't have any stock in your life whatsoever. Why do I need to be in your life now? At the end?

Abortion is fuzzy. I'm pro-choice. But there's a line. If you want an abortion, fine, but do it early. After a deadline, it's too late. I think thats the way it is now. See, I know a fetus or zygote is a living thing. But so is your arm. Both are alike in that they cannot live without the mother. If you chop off your hand with a meat slicer, you are not accused of murder. You are not a killer. The baby is as much a part of the mother as the arm until it can live on its own. (For some people I know, that doesn't come at birth, rather 20 years later.) Those are just my beliefs on the matter. No severed baby head picture is going to make me think otherwise. (See 3P1CW) However, you believe what you want to. Your beliefs are as valid as mine, and that is my whole point. If human sacrifice is cool in your religion, then someone elses religion should not get in the way of that. As long as its consensual. Hitler killing the Jews? No, that was not moral. In the case of interference, it was not moral for us to sit by and let it happen either. Watching innocent people die while you have the power to stop it doesn't fit in our belief structure, so us getting involved in an indirect way was an attack on someone elses beliefs, but primarily a defense of our own.

Like, ok, like sooooooooooooooo much deeper. TTYL!!!!!!! BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still stalling.....

Know what's funny? Idiosyncrasies. Some are so wonderful and they make you really happy when you see them, and some just annoy the living bejesus out of you. I used to love it when my ex-girlfriend would repeat a word three times when she got excited. "Yeah, yeah, yeah....!" I loved that! But I used to hate it when Nopa would throw his arms up in celebration after he said something funny. (BTW that doesn't really bug me anymore... actually he doesn't do it a lot anymore. No offense there, buddy.) It's just that, some people really love the idiosyncrasies that other people can't stand. I wonder why that is. I mean sometimes it's enough to totally turn you off to a person. I can think of a few people that bug me quickly because that notion of annoyance floats around them for me like fruit flies around a two week old peach. It doesn't take much, because it's already there. It has started before it starts.

I'm not really annoyed at this point. I'm just stalling because I have to do some philosiphy homework. So what else can I talk about.

Know what I've learned about girls and relationships and stuff like that? When it rains, it pours. When it doesn't rain, its a freakin' desert. For me, there has never been a slight drizzle. I wonder why that is. Maybe I'm really this really cool chick magnet, and then I hook up with someone, and then the relationship goes bad, and then I become a jerk for a while because I feel bad about a bad relationship, or I'm just sad and stuff, and then girls don't like me when I'm a jerk or whatever, so then one day I stop being a jerk and the chick magnet comes on again. Heh heh. That'd be cool. I'd like to belive that... It's just that I can go an entire summer, and granted there wasn't that many people around, but, I can go that whole time and have no one even look at me. Now I'm getting digits without even asking. Twice now. Girls are robbing their own businesses of expensive materials just to give me. Girls are writing stories, and staying up with me really late playing stupid games. I'm getting in tickle fights again. Chicks are driving hours just to hang out with me for a night. I'm doing body shots, I'm getting birthday cards from girls I don't even know.

Go me.____

Okay, now I overdramatized all that, but it is accurate. I have never once bragged about such things. Not once. This blog makes up for all of it. My friend BA taught me something. He pointed out that there is a difference between being confident and being vain, just like there is a difference between being modest and not giving yourself credit where credit is due. The problem with me was that I would take any confidence I had and automatically call it vanity. Ok well he didn't say that word for word, but after talking with him for a while, I actually discovered a lot. There is a huge difference in being modest, and just not giving yourself any credit. If you do something cool, don't play it off like it's no big deal for fear of bragging, and don't act like its the greatest thing in the world. Just give yourself credit. You deserve it. You're good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.

I haven't been able to get on in a while, but I really don't have anything to say right now.

So everyone else I know who has a blog decided to change the way theirs looked. And then I realized I had the same old boring title, with the same old boring white background, ever since I started this project with my tale of insomnia back in April. Hence, a brand spanking new look, and a title that just... pops!

Oh also I'm writing for another page too. It's pretty sweet. I'll put a link on the side for it and a few others. And hey, why don't I put one right here.

Learn the tragic fate of Three Pimps and a Crack Whore.

IS it poetry
if

YOU just
uSe

poor
spac ing?

Torture leads to reward leads to torture leads to reward....

To clarify...Jeremy doesn't feel bad about Charlie. Charlie's cool with it all. Jeremy is wondering if he's going to go through the same thing with Jay as with Bob. (Wow, that was coincedence.) Will the same things happen that lead to the whole business collapsing? WIll he be miserable at his job, only to lose it? Because from Jeremy has seen in the orientation video, it looks like the same thing he had with Bob. Has his experience with Bob taught him how to deal with it, or how to avoid it?

Charlie doesn't seem to care, so Jeremy inspects the job, and sees the same processes that sunk Capt. Bob's company. Does he want to go through that again? Or will it be different this time because he knows how to go about dealing with these poor work practices? Does that even matter? Does the fact that he's experienced it before tell him how to deal with it, or tell him to stay away from it?

Jeremy is in kind of a pickle.

I know how he feels. It's like if you've been in a tornado before, you learn to stay away from windows, get to the basement, and cower in a corner for the next one. Or you'd learn to get the hell out of Kansas so you'd never have to deal with next one. Granted you may still deal with earthquakes, hurricanes and hailstorms, but you're done with that whole tornado thing.

So what have I learned?

The dashing tale of seafaring adventure is in reference to people I know. The named were changed, though not very creatively because I didn't stray from a screenplay I was writing. It was written taking a cue from Jack, who wrote of wanting to go to Hollywood. Before she leaves, she should probably try to understand Jeremy's dilemma.