People lost faith in the Red Wings. Everyone was sure last night they would've played the last game of their season. You were wrong. All of you!! I don't blame you though. Leaving JLA monday night after a terribly disappointing OT loss, you could see it in their eyes too. All the fans around us felt the same way. You could hear it in the erie silence. When the lamp behind Hasek lit, the ecstatic crowd went quiet. No one expected this to go to seven. But guess what. They got it done last night. It started out best of seven, then they split the first four, so it was the best of three. After splitting the next two it's the best of one. I hope it goes to OT so it's next goal wins the series. And then I hope Roy throws it in his own net again. Say what you want about Patrick Roy. But I don't think the Wings could've gotten this far without him. I mean yeah, he's amazing. Best goalie in the history of the game. Three time Conn Smythe winner. But for every jaw dropping, physics defying, holy-crap-how-did-he-do-that, miracle save he makes, he does something stupid too. He'll kick it in his own net, throw it in his own net, come out to the blue line to try to stop a Kirk Maltby breakaway. I will leave you with two quotes.

First to all those who doubted this would go to seven.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." --Darth Vader.

And one from my good buddy Nopapimp.
"...all I can think of that comes out of Qubec is Celine Dion and Patrick Roy... both of which are dumb." --Jon Kameya

Me and Erin Cain are at the movies, and for some reason, she has seen Attack of the Clones, just not the ending, which in my opinion is the best part. So we sneak in to watch the Yoda fight scene. But upon entering the theater we noticed there were people all over the place. Technicians, stage hands, it wasn't just the movie, they were putting on some kind of a floor show. It was apparent we were in the way of a lighting guy, so we went to go sit down, and the only seats available were in the front row. So we get there, and Obi-Wan is starting to fight Dooku, and I'm like, "Cool it's almost to the part with Yoda." And Erin starts talking to me in a loud voice. I'm like, "Dude, quiet, people are watching the movie." And she keeps doing it. The guy behind us is like, "I think I'm the only person in the theater who can't hear the movie." So I looked at Erin and said "Shh... just whipser." So she starts whispering, and then she talks loud again saying whispering makes her nauseas.

Then the movie stops. Someone comes over the god-mic and says we need to find Darth Vader. Well, from coming in late and seeing the technicians behind the seperating wall, I know right where he is. So I go to the back of the theater and I see Hayden Christensen putting on a Darth Vader mask. As I get closer, suddenly a light goes on and he bursts through the door towards the front of the theater. I run back to my seat trying not to let him know it was I who had found him. He gets to the front and I just jump in the first front row seat I can find. Erin and I are on seperate sides of the theater now. Vader is in the front of the theater. He says "Who went back there??" I sit completely still. Some guy raises his hand. Without a word, Vader fires up the light saber and takes his head off. He looks out at the audience and is like, "Anybody else?" Some other idiot raises his hand, but Darth Vader is too busy looking in my direction. He comes over to us and starts shaking peoples hands. It was at this point Erin comes back over to me. She was upset that that guy died, she was whispering this time. I was like, "Relax, it's just Hayden Christensen. I could take him." Then I ask Darth Vader if I can see his lightsabers because he has two and I want to fight with them both so I can be like he was in Attack of the Clones. He says sure, gives them both to me, and I light them up and start swinging them around. Then I hold them both to Vaders head, but I can't kill him because they are not real lightsabers, they're plastic. I give them back. He's just like, "You will now be cursed with a pimple on your nose. It is the power of the force." Then these guys come walking down the aisle rapping with cordless microphones in their hand about the power of the force. And the guy who got killed sits up, he's ok. He starts dancing to the rap song. Then it breaks out into a large musical number. I'm just sitting there with Erin thinking, I just want to watch the end of the freaking movie. That's about when I woke up.

And no joke. I have a small pimple on the side of my nose. It wasn't there last night. It must be the power of the force.

I read this quote today. I like it.

"Love is when you seek to find the potential in someone and desire more than anything else in the world to help them bring it out."

Sorry. I was just taken by surprise I guess. I mean I thought we were chums, and we had fun at the OP on "I'm A Cartoon" night. Then out of nowhere you say that you laughed because I said I was happy, and you think all I ever do is feel sorry for myself. Yeah you said it was a mean thing to say, yeah you said it meant nothing. And yeah when we talked on line I thought it was resolved and over, and then you brought it up again. I'm sorry if I was wrong to take offense to your opinion of me. But like, imagine a close friend of yours suddenly out of nowhere calling you a stubborn, close-minded, arrogant bitch. But hey, that's just their opinion. You act like no one can have an opinion about you. It's just a stupid comment, it doesn't mean anything.

For the record, I don't think that about you. Most of the time. But hey I'm fine with putting the whole thing behind us and moving on. I don't like fighting. So I'm smiling. I'm done. As far as I'm concerned this whole deal is over as soon as I hit Post & Publish. As long as you let it go, I've let it go.

Hey ya know. I don't mind you talking about me. I know I've written things people object to. I don't object to you having an opinion about me. I don't feel that I am someone who can not be touched by negative comments. I don't think I'm above it. So go ahead and hit me. But please, don't be shocked when I hit back. I'm not going to sit by and not defend myself. I can't change the way things ended up. I can't change the way they started. I can't change your opinion of the whole thing. I can whole-heartedly disagree with it. I don't expect you to censor yourself. So don't expect me to. Thing is... I wouldn't have to hit back, if you hadn't hit me first. I was fine a few days ago with a quick discussion on AIM, and just ending it there. But you got the first word. I'm not giving you the last one. I don't want to throw down with you. I don't want to fight. I;m fine with ending it here. I'm sorry you're pissed at me. You say you think we're "fair weather friends." But I don't hear you calling me, or writing me. The only real time I hear you having any interest in me is when you vaguely attack me on your site. So riddle me this... why would I want to be anything more than that?

Two quick things before I get started. One. Resident Evil is the most beautiful looking game I have ever seen. And two, since checking it out from work three days ago, I have had dreams about zombies every single night. Get this one.

I start out in the country. I believe this is somewhere around Mansfield. I'm out by this trailer. Two people live here. A man and a woman. I think the man is Rick Moranis, though I don't recall seeing him. The woman is Gillian Anderson. I love dreaming about Gillian Anderson.

Anyway, I start running through a field towards the trailer. They're out there. In the field. It's too dark, I can't see them. I know there are dogs, I can hear them, but they sound like the are all around. The trailer is still far away and I feel like they are getting closer. As I'm getting closer and closer, the zombies are drawing nearer and nearer, I realize I won't be safe in the trailer either. I do know I'll be safer there than out in this field, and once I get there I can re-think things. As I'm running I feel something graze my shoulder, like a hand. I instinctively dodge and simultanously realize just how close they are. But I'm about a hundred feet from the trailer. I finally make it.

I knock open the door and startle Gillian. She recognizes me, apparently we're friends. Rick is in the front of the trailer. I'm completely out of breath. I can't talk, I just try pointing to the bathroom. It's the only hiding place in the trailer. My only hope is that they just won't come in, and if we're perfectly still they won't notice us and move on. I finally get my breath back, Rick goes outside to look around. He's a dead man. Gillian and I go into the bathroom, which is big enough to barely hold us both. I'm whispering to her, "Don't move, breath light." She's squirming. I try looking at her trying to get across that we're dead if she keeps moving, because things are squeaking and creaking when she moves, so finally she sits still. But then she remembers that Rick left the front door open, so she goes out and closes it, in full view of two zombies.

I realize we're now going to die.

I can hear the zombies outside. They're talking. Someone mentions that we're in the bathroom. Yeah, we're dead. So I tell her we need to run. I'd go one way, she'd go another. So we both burst through the door and take off. They see us and run after. These zombies don't stumble around like in Thriller. They can haul ass. I'm running and running again. I look back to see Gillian has been tackled. She's gone. I keep going when I realize I'm in the backyard of my house in Grandville. I'm heading towards the hill and they are getiing closer again, when suddenly the FBI is there. They jump up behind our fence and draw their guns. I dive to the ground and they open fire and wipe the zombies behind me. I roll to behind them and turn around and look for the first time, and there are about fifty zombies back there. And suddenly it's like a ground war. A mixture of people, guns blazing, people being eaten. And a completely redneck family comes out of my old house and starts fighting zombies, but they really don't stand a chance. I run through the fighting and go into my garage. There's a shotgun in there. And a station wagon. Jen is in the station wagon. I tell Jen to wait there, and that I'll be back in a minute. I take the shotgun and step out of the front of the garage and take out a few zombies. But now some of the zombies are wearing FBI clothes and bulletproof vests. So crap. I take off a few zombie heads before hopping in the station wagon with Jen who is just hysterical with fright. I drop the shotgun in the passenger seat and step on the gas. And now I'm back in Mansfield. Going through downtown Mansfield, I can't control the station wagon. The brakes are bad, the steering is shot, I'm all over the road. I'm passing cops all over. And I'm really nervous because I can't control the car and there's a loaded shotgun in the front seat. If I get stopped I in boo koo trouble. So I pass cop after cop and I don't get stopped. And then there's a traffic light out. Cops all over it waving people through. Somehow I make it through that and don't get stopped either.

So I make it back to my apartment, which is much bigger than it is now. Jen and I go up and sit down. I make her up a bed and a few other friends are there too. Suddenly there's a call on the phone. I take it on my alarm clock. My alarm clock somehow doubles as a two way radio. Whoever is on the other end wants me to bring Jen back. Jen doesn't want to go back. They sound human. They really want me to bring her back though, so I don't trust them. Neither does Jen. So I'm like. "Why don't you come and get her, I just drove that whole way, I don't want to do it again." There's a pause and a girls voice comes back. "You're retarded. You look retarded." I just laughed. I was like "That's the best you can come up with? Well then you're a stupid head." And I lauhed at them. Then my alarm clock started playing some song that I know, but as I type this cannot remember. I was like, "What band is this?" Jen said "C&C Music Factory."

Then I woke up and realized I didn't have to drive Jen home.

Hey Sparky.

1.) Vowels.
4.) "H"
7.) A match.
9.) Salt and Pepper.

I hope this helps. BTW, 80, not 87.

I've written a lot lately. Three or four posts in the last few hours. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

love

The Joe.

Another thing. I just went back and read through the last, what fifty blogs that you can read on this page without going through the archives. Besides the next one, which foretells the end of all existence, and one from a few days back.... the "I'll hold your hand with a fake smile" thing I wrote, (which by the way the same day I went back and reposted that I felt a lot better) and a few in March where I said I felt lonely... these blogs for the most part are not at all sad, or angry. To prove this point, I will ask you to continue reading.....

5/21/2002 12:53:31AM: The End of the World Post. This serves merely as a warning, watch out for those crafty Mayans!

5/20/2002 11:13:27PM: Analogy 82: A Shot Back. I have a feeling someone is talking behind my back. This proof is for you.

5/18/2002 2:31:29PM: Allow Me To Retort... Me, looking in the mirror with the mohawk and the gun saying, "You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Well there's no one else here. You... you talkin to me?" See Taxi Driver.

5/18/2002 2:12:48PM: Randomness. I picked up these random quotes and actually most of the riddles on Three Pimps from this website. The chick is cool. She's got quotes from Ghostbusters 1 and 2, as well as my favorite... "Good, bad.... I'm the guy with the gun." See Bruce Campbell vs the Army of Darkness.

5/17/2002 3:46:34PM: Too Afraid To Turn Around. A link to the funniest and most bizarre webtoon I've ever seen. Plus a short victory notice about my attack on Ameritech.

5/16/2002 2:09:57AM: Yo Sheila and Kelly. I met new peeps through a stupid email virus. They hit the link on the bottom of my email and got sent here. They said that I was the greatest writer ever. Well... not really....

5/7/2002 1:45:26PM: Marcy, Stay Away From the Window! Just a recap of the dream I had. Though it is sad that this was the first thing I did after waking up, and it was posted at 1:45pm. Joseph = Slacker.

5/5/2002 2:46:51PM: Happy Cinco de Mayo! Letting y'all know I cheered up from the night before.

5/5/2002 2:14:46AM: Not so happy Cinco de Mayo. Letting y'all know I could cheer up if I wasn't so tired.

5/5/2002 2:09:37AM: The Worst Feeling Ever. I'll give you your two points here. I was pretty messed up this night. Lots of thought went on here. Want to know about it? Four years earlier, May 4, 1998 was five days before my Sr. Prom, when Krissy Williams, the girl of my dreams at that point, decided to rip my heart out. I felt really alone that night too, because at this point, everyone was with someone. I truly felt like a third wheel. But I didn't know if there was anything I could do about it but sit there and try to wait it out. "I hate sitting still." I was also thinking about my mom and dad. How I feel like I always let them down. I thought about missing my moment. When I was 12 in Jr. High, these three kids used to always pick on Krissy on our way home on the bus. I'll never forget seeing her cry, and I'll never forgive myself for just sitting there quietly. I relive that moment all the time, imagining what I should've said or done. I don't really dwell on it, I was 12 for god's sake, but sometimes, like this night, it came up. I thought on this night about Erin and Nick. He bought her a bed. She was so thrilled. She told me all about it. I thought about Laura and Yerty, and how she seems to smile more often now. I thought about Jackie and Paul, and Marcy and Ian, and Rob and Laura, and it just all kind of ganged up on me at once. I needed to let it go, so I came here. By the time I woke up, I felt much better. Blowing off steam I guess.

5/2/2002 1:07:51AM: Tonight. I had just gotten back from Chicago. That was my "something drastic." Just a roadtrip to anywhere. I ended up in Chicago because I don't think I've been there since elementary school. That night I came home in one of the best moods I have ever been in. I spent all day wandering Chicago in the pouring cold cold rain. I bought a cheeseburger for a homeless man who I saw eating out of a garbage can. When everyone else was just staring and saying, "Oh how gross." I walked up to a counter at Wendys and bought him some warm food. He looked so happy. I made his day. Along with four other people I helped, I ended up feeling like, ya know I don't really care what people think about me, I know I'm a pretty decent guy.

4/29/2002 1:49:14PM: Return To My Roots. The title of this blog has changed over and over. The original title, and what I had changed it to at this point was "Joe's Diary of Love or lack thereof." Although I believe I got rid of "Joe's Diary of..." and just called it "Love or lack thereof." At this point it's "Love. I Get So Lost Sometimes..." After of course the Peter Gabriel song "In Your Eyes."

4/29/2002 1:45:23PM: See-Thru Guy. This originally started off serious. This lead to my Chi-Town trip, feelings of being unnoticed. But then I got caught up in being a super-hero. I mean come on, Boogie Woogie Feng Shway? Anybody see that one? It got me hooked on Cowboy Bebop.

4/28/2002 9:07:25PM: Bad Weekend: Sunday. What can I say? Bad weekend.

4/27/2002 1:21:35PM: Bad Weekend: Saturday. It was going to get worse, because I was on my way to a 7-hour shift with Bambi.

4/26/2002 1:56:22PM: Bad Weekend: Friday. I felt someone said something to get under my skin. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Either way, I was over it shortly thereafter.

4/26/2002 1:48:24PM: Not Since The Bed Ate My Dad Has A Dream Been This Messed Up. This seriously was a strange dream. But oddly it ended happy. We all lived.

4/24/2002 1:53:07PM: Whenever We Go Out, The People Always Shout.... Zaphnath-Paaneah is the name the Pharoh gave Joseph in the chapter of Genesis in the Bible. My name is Joseph Genesis Parcell. Coincedence? Nope, this is the dude I was named after.

4/24/2002 12:14:54PM: I Care, Therefore I Worry. Nuff said.

4/20/2002 8:10:32PM: Inside My Mind. Ranting about school. Just some random thoughts I had. Most of this comes out in Steve in "Ordinary Life."

4/12/2002 10:01:47PM: BHTM. I went to Big Head Todd and the Monsters with Marcy the night before. She had a great time, and so did I. We got front row, met the band got stuff signed. Then we saw what frog legs looked like and it freaked us out.

4/10/2002 1:58:16AM: Happy Birthday. This was not done because I hurt. It wasn't done to hurt. Krissy will never read this. It was written simply because I could write it. Four years ago, those thoughts would've never crossed my mind. You should've seen what I wrote four years ago. Very very different. You cant win them all, and soemtimes, that's a good thing.

4/8/2002 7:0729PM: And Like That.... It's All Over. Take into account, this little exchange was at breakfast at 7:30am, after not sleeping all night. (wink wink) This was the first day Laura and I were together, and I was sure after this dumbass moment, I had ruined it. I tried to blame it on me being tired, it's a lie. I had never heard of a Flight Team.

4/8/2002 6:57:54PM: Don't Sweat It.... Written specifically for me. It's a note to myself that whenever I feel down or whatever, makes me feel better. Read it. It might make you feel better too.

4/2/2002 7:34:53PM: Super Mike and the Happy Reunion. Mikey always impresses me. And this is a very happy post.

3/31/2002 8:22:09PM: Heh heh heh... Find it yet?

3/30/2002 9:04:04PM: Creed Sucks. Scott Stapp... more like Scott Crap... cuz he sings and it's crap and then crap comes out and it falls on his shoes and then he has to go get new shoes and uh... he... the guy is like... "Why do you always need new shoes?" Er... and he's like "Hey man, my band is awesome." And the other guy is like, "Dude you suck." Ha he ha he ha he ha he ha he.... (my Chris Farley impersonation transcript. God bless you Chris.)

3/29/2002 2:38:24AM: One... Nothing Wrong With Me... Two...Nothing Wrong With Me.... The One. Kick ass.

3/28/2002 10:44:20PM: I Forgot About 3B. Jeff Missad is Gonna Regulate. Szyzgiel is dating Nina. Not fair.

3/28/2002 2:05:50PM: The Five and Under Club. This one starts out bad, but by the end is actually kind of happy. I'm not to secure when it comes to girls. Like duh, if you know me you know that. Girls make me nervous. I'm always afraid that they judge me before I say something, or that I'm wearing the wrong shirt, or I'm just not cool enough. But hey, I'm an undercover 8. Y'all just gotta look harder.

3/28/2002 12:52:31AM: Just Stop...... getting upset about something that you know you shouldn't be upset over. FYI, I did.

3/27/2002 8:07:24PM: Casting Sucks, Lets Kill Something. Frustration. Just with trying to cast the movie. The Hogans Alley evil-doers deaths were unsatisfying. I cheered up by OP.

3/27/2002 11:06:54AM: The Longest Most Pointless Post Ever. Hi, I'm retarded. Let me post everything about this cast so everyone who doesn't care can enjoy it. The waking up thing still haunts me. That was weird. I couldn't remember my name even.

3/26/2002 5:19:03PM: "Angel Dust? Let's Kick Ass Then..." Tera has my copy of "The Avenging Disco Godfather." That movie actually made me feel slightly sick. Bad acting combined with sweaty dancers, along with trippy yet stupid images. My god, Jon, what have you given me....

3/24/2002 10:35:30PM: Still Going... After finishing "Ordinary Life", I wanted to go back and work on "The Last 100 Days" which is actually the first script I ever wrote, and where I came up with the name Jeremy Ryan. I'm also in the middle of writing a one act play about a guy who gets a call from a suicidal kid. I write dark stuff. I'm going to write a just bizarre comedy soon, that I'm hoping we can all put together.

3/23/2002 12:32:36PM: Two Thumbs Down. Blade 2 still sucks. Resident Evil, surprisingly, I have no inclination to ever watch again. I thought it was good, but now I have noticed, it just seems kind of retarded.

3/23/2002 12:15:23PM: Trey and Matt. He seemed so serious when he said that too. He was pretty trashed.

3/21/2002 2:32:56AM: Girl Speak. I got this from some other website, but felt it needed to be shared. Guys usually just say what they mean. And then women call us liars. Weird.

So there you go. The last two months of my blogs re-examined and explained. Of all those, I see "The Worst Feeling Ever" that I was over the next morning, and a bad weekend. Other than that, it doesn't really look like I've been all that down lately. So all you out there that doubt that I really am feeling pretty happy I guess just don't know what you're talking about.

Sorry to disappoint.
-joseph

Holy crap you guys, I got bad news. Inspired by a side note from the X-Files series finale, I did a little research, and have figured out how the Mayan Calendar works. I find that, contrary to popular belief, the Mayan Calendar is not a calendar at all. It's a countdown.

First of all let me address the respect the Mayan people deserve. This is a culture of people who figured out the nature of the earth and sun and moon and stars, back when Europeans were still figuring out how fish work. In fact, as early as 3200 BC, they had figured out that the earth was round and rotated around the sun, a notion that we didn't discover until around four thousand seven hundred years later. Now a days we fucntion on whats known as a Gregorian calendar. January, February, to December, and back to January again. You know the one. Now we have got computers, and satellites, and all kinds of clocks and what not. In 3114 BC, the Mayans created a calendar while living in rock huts. Our's is off by six hours every year. Which is why every four years we add a day. Theirs is off by only 19 minutes per year.

Those who believe in extra terrestrials are almost sure that aliens had something to do with it. Now I don't really know what my stance on aliens is, but honestly, I think it's actually more believable to say that another race of creatures has a civilization much more advanced than ours. They came to visit us, and showed the Mayan people how to tell time this acurately, than to say a race of primitive people happened to just stumble onto a calendar system so accurate that it can judge the rotation of the earth almost perfectly. And these people have never left central America. I'm not saying it was aliens. I'm saying that they knew something that we do not. They had some advanced knowledge that we nowadays cannot grasp or comprehend. Which brings me to the bad news.

The Mayan calendar stops.

There is a last day, according to the Mayans. Now our calendars have a last day too. December 31. But after that, we get a new calendar and go on to the next day, January 1 of the next year. The Mayans however have a real last day. As in December 31.... Blank.... Blank.... Blank.... Calendars don't end. But countdowns do. After the last day is what is called a zero date. The Gregorian calendar has a zero date as well. January 1, 0001. The zero date is based on the birth of Christ. But you see, the Mayan Calendar works like a clock, its round, cyclic. A zero date signifies to the Mayan people, the end of this existence. They have what is known as the "Long Count" which is like an hour hand. It's the one that takes the longest to get all the way around and all the other portions of time are equal fractions of the Long Count. One Long Count cycle, in fact, takes over 5000 years to happen. It begins on a zero date with the beginning of some giant event, something happened back then and they started this timer. And it ends on a zero date, one that is the night, the end of existence, another huge event of astronomical proportions. Ready for the good news?

The Long Count Cycle began August 11, 3114 BC. It ends on December 22, 2012. By my watch, that's ten years, seven months, and a day from now. So I guess that means I don't really need to save money for retirement.

A . N . A . L . O . G . Y . # . 8 2

Sometimes it's hard to listen to reason. When you have your heart set on something, you close your eyes and go for it. When you spend so much time wondering whether or not to take that long drive across the country you don't realize all the warning signs that should hold you back. So you hop in the car and go. Then suddenly your car breaks down, you run out of gas, the road is washed out, there's tornados and an earthquake, and you for some reason seem genuinely surprised. After you look back on it you are angry. Angry at yourself, angry at the bad luck. Whatever. It's understandable I guess. You ever feel like that?

So have I.

Ever hear a shot but don't know if it was for you? Allow me to be vague too. This is not a response, just a statement. Some people do not know me as much as they think they do. Some people see me on friday, then again on monday, and for five minutes on thursday and think they understand where I'm coming from. Some people know me better than I think they do. But those people are few and very far between. Litterally. I am a happy guy. I really am. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. Everyone has problems. Myself included. Sometimes I let them get me down. But don't hang it up on me. Because I get over it. And I come back up. I'm up now. If you think that this website is a real accurate portrayal of how I constantly feel, you are mistaken. I write how I feel at the moment. If that feeling is bad, the post comes out bad, and by the time I'm done typing it, I feel much much better. If you shot at me, consider me gravely, deeply and competely offended.

R . A . N . D . O . M . N . E . S . S

1. The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with them.
2. Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.
3. A weak mind is like a microscope. It magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones.
4. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.
5. This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
6. Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
8. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
9. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..
10. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
11. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
12. Defeat isn't bitter if you sprinkle dirty revenge on it.
13. Two words: Catapulting Teacups.
14. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
15. Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
16. Chaos, panic, and disorder... My work here is done.
17. Fear not that your life will end soon. Oops, wait.. you didn't hear that from me.
18. I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.
19. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
20. There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.
21. I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
22. If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
23. Football combines the two worst things about American life. It is violence, punctuated by committee meetings.
24. When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
25. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

"The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes."
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Ameritch won't kidnap me. My phone bill is free for the next two months. I kicked some phone lady booty.

A Frightened Boy. This was sent to me by M a r c y and I continue to find it very humorous.

Techno!
-joseph

There is someone new reading this post. Hello Sheila. Anyway, I read back over this a little bit... It seems really depressing. Sorry for that. Read the post for April 8th.... Jesus, its been a month and change since I've written that.

What you said to me made my day. There is no better compliment than that of a stranger, because a stranger's compliment is unnecessary. I invite you and your roommate to read this as often as you like.

For your information however, know that this is the place where I come when I need to vent. To release. Normally, I'm a pretty happy guy.

Adios Hombres.

Ameritech came to collect my overdue phone bill, and instead the lady kidnapped me in her van, brought me out into the sewer and threatened to kill me. Then I escaped. It was terrifying. Then I went to my grandma's neighbors house to hide out, and Laura and Marcy were there with a few friends. We were watching TV, when the news report came on about a kidnapper that told people they'd throw them in a hole in the sewer. I went into convulsions. I fell off my chair. Nobody really cared, they all just let me go. Then Kay came over and told everyone to go away for a second because she needed to talk to me. She was uncharacteristically assertive. She was mad at my mom, because she was being a jerk to her. Marcy came back, and I decided we needed to go to the OP to talk to my mom about this. So we wanted to climb out a window, but we were on like the 5th floor. Marcy went out a window, and I grabbed her before she fell to her certain doom. I pulled her back in and we decided to just go out the front door. We went to an OP restaurant in Boston, because they were a chain now. My mom was there with like 20 cousins of mine that I don't know. I said to her, "What are you doing?" and the guys next to her said they were going to go home. I told them I wasn't talking to them. My mom said she was going home too. I said she needed to talk to her first. We went and sat in a quieter area of the restaurant. She looked mad. I showed her a website that had a picture of her and my dad throwing an imaginary ball back and forth. And below it was a cartoon picture of a kid kicking the planet earth. This didn't help. Then I heard the ice cream truck outside and it woke me up.

Past Joe just talked to me, Future Joe. Man, I feel a lot better.

I guess tonight I am Future Joe. I'd read that old post, but it's late, and I open tomorrow.

It's not cloud nine, it's wheel nine. The ninth leg of a spider. The ninth tenticle of an octopus. Looking for a tenth pin.

I hate sitting still.

I'll hold your hands with a smile on my face.

I know where I was four years ago today. Today I'm still in my dark bedroom. Still sitting there wondering why. Why hasn't it gotten any better? Why am I still wondering why?

Why do I bring this on myself? Do I bring this on myself?

Just once. Just once I'd like to do something right. I'd like to not fail at something. I wish for one second I could look at something I've done and say I was proud of myself.

How do you feel content when you feel dead?

Am I hoping? Wishful thinking?

We're all broken on the inside in some way. No one is flawless. No one is pristine. Everyone's got a screw or two loose.

I want to go back. I have regrets. Would my life be different if I had spoken up? Would the world be different if I was never here? Like in It's a Wonderful Life? How much difference have I made? I feel like there's a limited amount of happiness in the universe, and someone got mine. I feel bad for my parents. They have hopes for me. Yet they have to watch me fail over and over. I let them down. I wish they didn't care sometimes, so that I'd only let down myself.

You know Back to the Future, how Marty's family's whole life changes because of that one moment when his dad decks Biff? I missed my moment. I should've said something. I should've stood up. But I was scared. I was a dorky 12 year old kid. And I just stood by and watched. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care. But I've tried that. And it isn't me. I can't be the hammer, I have to be the nail.

Take control. I know what you mean now. I know you care. And I am so sorry I've let you down. I know it hurts you. It hurts me that it hurts you. I am so sorry. I'm not who you want me to be. I want to be so badly. I want to make you happy. I don't want to have to sit there and watch you cry. I am so sorry. I can't tell you that enough. I've never done anything. You can't tell your friends and neighbors that I have. You can't brag about me. I love you so much. I'm so sorry that I can't be like you wanted me to be.

I want nothing more than to make you proud of me. But I always fuck it up.

I want to make people happy. Based on me alone. I want someone to be happy because I am who I am.

I know I've been in love. I know it because I'm a 21 year old college guy, and I've been with girls who want nothing more than to hop on me every chance they get. And to a 21 year old college guy, that's the perfect girl. Low maintenace, lot's of lovin'. And it's good, don't get me wrong. But it's not great. Great was kissing her lips and having her pull her head back afterwards, tilt her head down, before opening her eyes, looking up at me and smiling. Great was making her laugh. Great was lying together on a couch and watching TV, feeling her heartbeat, watching her breathe. All that beats everything else by miles. For me I guess, good is not good enough. I'm not really interested in good. But how can I go to great if there is no good first? You know. You know long before you get there.

I haven't cried this hard in exactly four years.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I know where I want to go, but I'm afraid to try it. I'm afraid it's going to be like everything else, where I put everything into it and it bombs. I hate that feeling. I hate putting everything I have into something and failing. I try again. I always try again. To date, I always lose again.

I've never dated anyone that I've liked first. Like that sounds bad. I like everyone that I've dated, but I've never liked them before they liked me. That sounds all well and good. But if you think about it, it means that every girl that I've liked that didn't know I existed, continues to not know I exist. That's a little drastic. But I've never said, "Oh that Cindy girl is cool. Maybe I should go talk to her." And then talked to her, and had her have an interest in me. It's never like, alright I got to hook up with her, it's always been, alright, she hooked up with me. Maybe that's a good thing. It doesn't always feel like it though. It feels like I'm not good enough for the people I like. Maybe once it was different. Once I had the storybook romance. Once she said "I love you too." Once I was in love. I'm sure of that. But I'm not dwelling on it, I just know it happened.

It's late. I think I'm just going to end up worrying my grandma with this post. Thanks for worrying Nana. I'm really okay. I just started typing tonight after talking with three different people about how happy they are, and wished I was there with them. I thought about a fourth, and realized that I am in a hole.

I'm happy for you all. I'll hold your hands with a smile on my face. But it's only half real.

Like I said, we're all broken inside in some way.

Tonight

Tonight I was angry.
Tonight I was bored.
Tonight I was frustrated and alone.
Tonight I was restless.

Tonight I felt unnoticed.
Tonight I felt worthless.
Tonight I felt like the lowest priority.
Tonight I did something about it.

Tonight I feel invincible but
Tonight I feel humble.

Tonight I was generous.
Tonight I took the saddest thing I had ever seen and made it into something I could smile about forever.
Tonight a total stranger said "God bless you, son." I didn't sneeze.
Tonight I was noticed.
Tonight I was important.
Tonight I drove through two states to make five people's day a little better.
Five people whom I had never met.
Tonight I walked around the cold and rainy streets of Chicago for hours.
Tonight I did not hide from the rain.

And tonight I realized that your opinions of me do not matter.
Tonight I remembered who I am.
Tonight I forgot Joe, and remembered Joseph.
Tonight I felt five years old again.
Tonight I would have made my mom and dad very proud of me.
Tonight my life was put into perspective perfectly for the first time in a long time.
Tonight I found out who my friends are, and who they aren't.
Tonight I found out to some people I can never be invisible.
And to some, I guess I will never be seen.

It is something I will never again forget.